First post here, wanted somewhere to talk about what is going on. I am 28 years old, and a college lecturer. I used to have a real problem with depression and anxiety, and had did a pretty good job of beating it. The depression was more or less gone, and the anxiety was manageable. I had gone years without panic attacks, and before, these were triggered by certain events, and CBT helped greatly with this.

However, at the start of this academic session, on my first class on the first day of term, I suffered a panic attack. I couldn't believe it. I managed to keep calm, I pretended something was wrong with my computer, and was able to ride it out, it only lasted a few minutes. I don't know what brought it on, and was concerned that this might become a repeat occurrence. My major thought was "Holy crap, where did that come from?".

A few months ago I had another one. I was talking to my class and all of a sudden I started to hyperventilate. I felt that panic coming on, and quickly directed my students to perform a task, taking their attention away from me, allowing my to compose myself. It passed, and everything went fine. Both times, I resisted the urge to leave the class.

Today, I suffered another one, this was by far the worst one. People from some other institutions were in for an event, and I was leading a session. I was initially anxious about taking part, but felt I had overcame this. I was prepared, and looking forward to it. The students came in, and I spoke to them briefly (trying to build a connection before starting the session properly), directing them where to sit. I didn't realise so many other educators would be in the class, and this made me panic. I started going through roll call to make sure everyone was there, and the panic started to set in very badly, I just couldn't breathe. I took my time reading out names, to try and buy some time, but it wasn't working, and my hyper awareness of what was happening, that I couldn't breathe, and these other educators being in the room only made things worse.

I realised that I couldn't remain in the class, so excused myself. I felt trapped. I have asthma, which had been giving me some troubles, so I told the others that I think I am having an asthma attack, this got me out of the situation.

I don't like doing something like that, but in this situation, there was nowhere to hide, or direct attention to in order to re compose myself and ride it out. I wasn't going to have time to deal with the panic attack without drawing attention to it, and I think because colleagues were in, I didn't want them to think that I was incapable of doing my job (a silly way to view things, I know, but I felt embarrassed more than anything).

I have been doing this work for years, and it hasn't bothered me. I can get a little anxious when other staff are in, but this has always passed quickly, and never escalated into a panic attack. This is 3 panic attacks this session. I am not getting super worried that maybe I am developing a panic disorder (I am going to see my GP next week), and that this will realistically become a recurrent theme at work.

I have noticed that my levels of anxiety have been rising, I have been finding it harder to speak in meetings. I am fine when it is just me and my students, but when other members of staff are present, I become noticeably anxious about speaking, this has been getting worse. The anxiety normally lifts once I have finished speaking, or just after I start. If I know that I need to speak, I perform breathing exercises. I tend to play with my ID badge, which I feel help distracts me from the feelings of anxiety.

I am so annoyed and angry that this is happening. I worked hard to overcome my mental health problems in the past, and get to a place where I could do this kind of work and enjoy it. I am terrified that I might need to give up my work. I have also kept all of this a secret. I am also terrified and embarrassed of what others would think. I really don't want my managers etc to know about this, and I especially don't want my students to know. This not wanting them to know just makes the panic attacks worse, it raises the stakes. I know that I am not in any physical danger- I am in much worse danger- of being found out.

I wonder, today, I hadn't had anything to eat, and I wonder if low blood sugars could have contributed. I also have been having sleep troubles, caused by a physical health problem that still hasn't been resolved, the result is that I haven't had a good night sleep in almost 5 years now, and I do feel that it is having a toll, it has been chipping away at me. I wonder if this is contributing to my increased anxiety and panic attacks, and reducing my resilience to anxiety and panic.

I am now in a really anxious state. I can feel my heart rate is up. My stomach is turning. I am getting really afraid that my fear of having another one, and embarrassing myself, is going to boost the odds of it happening again. I've done the CBT, though that was for anxiety in a different domain. That time, I could pin the root of the anxiety down to something. This time, I am not so sure. When speaking in front of people, or having the prospect of having to do so, this is when the panic sets in. However I do this all day, and generally speaking, panic never happens. If I am familiar with the class, it almost never happens (with "my" classes, I don't feel anxiety, I feel confident). I don't know if my low self esteem means that when colleagues are present, I feel like I may be getting judged, that I am inferior to them, in a way that I don't with students. When faced with a new set of students, I don't know if the lack of a rapport impedes my confidence, and in turn makes my vulnerable to anxiety.

My point is, I am worried about how effective CBT would be this time, and I also don't want to go on medication. I need to strive to keep my blood sugars up for starters, I will be more aware of this in future. The other times when it happened were before lunch. I am hoping that the major issue here is the lack of sleep. That hopefully can be fixed, though will take some time (I am waiting on a hospital referral to come through in order to get detailed tests done).

Looking at things rationally, my two fears, I think, are losing face in front of colleagues, and losing face in front of students. The former, when asking the question "What is the worst that can happen?", makes me realise that this actually isn't that bad, whilst it may alter peoples opinions of me, they can't/won't really change their relationship with me due to discrimination laws. Students on the other hand, whilst I might not be giving them enough credit, I am worried that my ability to be respected and taken seriously could be damaged.

We will see what the doctor says. I just realised how long this post is. Apologies for the wall of text, I just really felt the need to get some things off my chest, and to put down my thoughts on paper. I don't know if anyone has been in a situation like this, where the panic/anxiety is at work, and you work in a field where "there is nowhere to hide". If anyone manages to read that wall of text, I welcome any feedback.