please someone help me i'm so terrified of cancer and dying

[KatieLM]

Hi,

I'm at the end of my tether and really really could use some advice.

I am petrified of cancer or other serious illnesses and ultimately death. I can't remember when or even why it all started but gradually over the past 2 years I have become more and more worried about having cancer, I feel as if I am in pain all the time and I am just convinced I have cancer (I suffer chest pains with thundering jumpy heart beat / palpatations and shooting pain in my left arm all the time and also feel convinced I am going to have a heart attack or stroke) I worry about other illnesses as well but I fixate on cancer and have at some point or another diagnosed myself with every cancer you could think of, I have been to the doctors but of course I am told I am fine and that it is anxiety.

My trouble is this, I just cannot accept this and my fear is now taking over my life it's not an occasional thought anymore it feels like a continuous thought where not a minute passes where I am not thinking about dying. I cry everyday as I am terrified of not being there for my daughters, I make plans of all the things I would need to teach their dad like how to do their hair, and choose their clothes and letters I would need to write to them.

I am worrying that I have cancer that is spreading and getting worse by the day because no one is taking me seriously and by the time they all realise I was right it will be too late... When I am feeling 'rational' I tell myself this is a phobia but even then, even as I write this I am thinking to myself what if it's not, what if i'm right?

Its reached the point where I have to change the channel if a cancer related advert comes on the tv, I stop watching a favourite show or movie if the storyline become cancer beased, I've been halfway through books and have to stop reading them if a character develops cancer, I can't bare to even hear the word or hear someone speak of it. I am constantly on google checking symptoms and getting myself worked up into such a state, I feel affraid to be happy, or relax because I don't want to tempt fate, I cant look forward to something like a family holiday or birthday or christmas because I am always convinced I wont live long enough to go...

I'm not living anymore the anxiety is seeping out into other areas of my life i've lost all my self confidence, I have an extremely low opinion of myself, simple things like cooking a meal now totally overwhelm me, I feel paranoid, useless, ugly and stupid and very depressed I'm convinced my partner is going to cheat on me and leave me because of the way I am, and I am so terrified of being alone ... I don't know what to do I just want to be the old happy go lucky me again and I feel like she is lost forever and I will never stop being like this please can someone help
steph xxx

This post made me cry.
I was so overcome with emotion because it was like reading a story of me 2 years ago.
I had a lump in my throat when I swallowed and I convinced my self it was cancer. The drs dismissed me and from then on it was like someone had flicked a switch in my mind and i became completely consumed by the idea that i had cancer.
Id spend days in bed feeling sick with grief 'knowing' i was going to die because no one would take me seriously.
My family told me to stop being stupid.
One day I just broke down completely an asked my mum if she wanted me to sort my room out so that when I died she didnt have to go through my things and be even more upset.

I broke down to my boyfriend and told him i was dying and that it was ok for him to move on even though in my mind i was thinking thoughts such as 'i hope theres no afterlife because i couldnt bare to see him with anyone else' or thinking of seeing my family upset or the thought of being round them but them not knowing was torture to my soul.

Eventually it completely consumed me and I went from throat cancer to it spreading to my brain and anywhere else it could have. I would fixate on things id heard. I remembered watching a drama and this woman had a brain tumour and she could smell rubber all the time.. I was in bed one night and i could smell burning rubber. I immediately panicked. Feeling sick. Crying. A dull ache in my chest.. It was confirmed to me i had a brain tumour... Completely irrational. Considering when I was sat in bed smelling rubber I was cuddle up tona brand new water bottle... Made of RUBBER!!! (I can laugh about it now)

I stopped watching tv it seemed cancer was everywhere even turned adverts off. If anyone mentioned cancer id lash out n avoid the convo.
I dropped some money off at the local hospice for my mum who did a sponsored walk for them.. I looked around and my mind told me id be in there soon.
It was like someone was inside my head filling me with negative poison.

After probably 8 months of lockin myself away obsessively feeling and counting my pulse and googling 'normal heart rates' i ended up having a massive attack at uni where i really did feel i was dying. The room zoned out i couldnt see. My heart was out of control. I walked out of my exam and my friend took my to the drs. He put me on beta blockers but they made me worse. Eventually i ended up on citalopram. The best decision of my life, i dunno y i fought it for so long.

Im wanting to come off it now as i feel its dulling me down a bit now after 1 1/2 yrs on it. I noticed just feeling lighter and springier at first when walking to uni. Then i realised i wasnt walking looking at the ground. Then i noticed everything was quieter. I wasnt constantly on at my self my mind going at 500 mph.

There is light at the other end. I never believed there could be though.

One thing that will never leave me is the relief of my mum.. We spoke on the phone every day while i was at uni.. She said to me she could hear katie in my voice again. And whenever i have a bad time and i eventually let it out she reminds me of how far ive come. Then i think back over the nights i spent on my sofa sobbing to my self wondering what people would say at my funeral or what id say at my loved ones.

Stay strong and seek medical help. I still have days but they are so rare now and MUCH less intense i cant even tell you.
Thank you for posting your story. Its encouraged me to open up about mine and hopefully it will touch someone as yours has me. Its helped me to reflect on how far ive come and put me back in touch with reality just when I needed it.

XxxxX

[cut_out_stars]

Hi Steph (good name by the way, I'm also a Steph B!)

This post really struck a chord with me, like a few other people have said.. It feels as if I could have written it myself (in fact I did write a similar post this morning)

I am currently going through everything you have mentioned and I sympathize so much, are you getting any help from your Dr'? like CBT or meds?

I'm sending lots of love and good luck vibes your way, if you need to chat you can always PM me

xo

[Limey]

I hear you. I am terrified of breast cancer, bowel cancer, throat cancer, any cancer! The fear is really debilitating isn't it?

Any twinge of pain I feel, I'm poking and prodding, looking for lumps and things :/.

[ohwell123]

hi I have to laugh and agree at KatieLM's comment the amount of times ive had symptoms that have freaked me out filling me full of adrenaline/fear fuelling another weeks worth of anxiety then Ive looked back and thought what the hell was I thinking but it wasnt funny at the time as we know

go and enjoy time with your children Ive wasted so much time since my trauma thinking todays gonna be the day everyday and ofcourse Im still here

rgds
kris

[stephb]

This post made me cry.
I was so overcome with emotion because it was like reading a story of me 2 years ago.
I had a lump in my throat when I swallowed and I convinced my self it was cancer. The drs dismissed me and from then on it was like someone had flicked a switch in my mind and i became completely consumed by the idea that i had cancer.
Id spend days in bed feeling sick with grief 'knowing' i was going to die because no one would take me seriously.
My family told me to stop being stupid.
One day I just broke down completely an asked my mum if she wanted me to sort my room out so that when I died she didnt have to go through my things and be even more upset.

I broke down to my boyfriend and told him i was dying and that it was ok for him to move on even though in my mind i was thinking thoughts such as 'i hope theres no afterlife because i couldnt bare to see him with anyone else' or thinking of seeing my family upset or the thought of being round them but them not knowing was torture to my soul.

Eventually it completely consumed me and I went from throat cancer to it spreading to my brain and anywhere else it could have. I would fixate on things id heard. I remembered watching a drama and this woman had a brain tumour and she could smell rubber all the time.. I was in bed one night and i could smell burning rubber. I immediately panicked. Feeling sick. Crying. A dull ache in my chest.. It was confirmed to me i had a brain tumour... Completely irrational. Considering when I was sat in bed smelling rubber I was cuddle up tona brand new water bottle... Made of RUBBER!!! (I can laugh about it now)

I stopped watching tv it seemed cancer was everywhere even turned adverts off. If anyone mentioned cancer id lash out n avoid the convo.
I dropped some money off at the local hospice for my mum who did a sponsored walk for them.. I looked around and my mind told me id be in there soon.
It was like someone was inside my head filling me with negative poison.

After probably 8 months of lockin myself away obsessively feeling and counting my pulse and googling 'normal heart rates' i ended up having a massive attack at uni where i really did feel i was dying. The room zoned out i couldnt see. My heart was out of control. I walked out of my exam and my friend took my to the drs. He put me on beta blockers but they made me worse. Eventually i ended up on citalopram. The best decision of my life, i dunno y i fought it for so long.

Im wanting to come off it now as i feel its dulling me down a bit now after 1 1/2 yrs on it. I noticed just feeling lighter and springier at first when walking to uni. Then i realised i wasnt walking looking at the ground. Then i noticed everything was quieter. I wasnt constantly on at my self my mind going at 500 mph.

There is light at the other end. I never believed there could be though.

One thing that will never leave me is the relief of my mum.. We spoke on the phone every day while i was at uni.. She said to me she could hear katie in my voice again. And whenever i have a bad time and i eventually let it out she reminds me of how far ive come. Then i think back over the nights i spent on my sofa sobbing to my self wondering what people would say at my funeral or what id say at my loved ones.

Stay strong and seek medical help. I still have days but they are so rare now and MUCH less intense i cant even tell you.
Thank you for posting your story. Its encouraged me to open up about mine and hopefully it will touch someone as yours has me. Its helped me to reflect on how far ive come and put me back in touch with reality just when I needed it.

XxxxX

I've just cried my eyes out reading this, I can't thank you enough for this post I really truly can't! The only person i've opened up is my partner and that was very recently. I just can't believe I'll ever feel better but your story has finally given me hope because everything you have written has been like a check list for my life, especially the pulse checking :( I feel like i'm going crazy :(

can you tell me more about the medication? I have been so against taking any drugs but now this is turning into depression and I'm getting scared of how miserable I feel, thank god for my amazing little girls without them I wouldnt get out of bed! I'm 30 in a couple of months and I really want to have some kind of grip on this before then!

Lots of love Steph xxxxx