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Thread: On the verge of taking a fist of sleeping pills....

  1. #1

    On the verge of taking a fist of sleeping pills....

    Hello everyone , I desperately need your help in making a decision . 5 Months ago everything was fine for me , I had a chance to press the reset button (had to go study abroad) and a few months before departure it started : Fainting spells or a feeling like you are on a boat while walking from time to time , digestive problems and eventually the biggest of all : constant awareness of heartbeat . My first panic attack was at a party when after making the grill I sat down and I felt lightheaded and started to panic thinking it's my heart ( I had a supraventricular tachycardia that fired off from time to time) but it wasn't that . To the point that one night my hearbeat would rock my whole body , so I decided to take my blood pressure . While taking it the device stopped inflating halfway there and that moment i felt like fainting. In that instant I thought that my heart stopped . I got up in a full blown panic attack, woke up my parents and went to the er , Heart pounding . Nothing there , ekg normal but I was feeling like I was on the verge of passing out and it was a terrifying sensation . When I got back home I couldn't sleep because I felt like my heart was moments away of stopping .
    I went to a cardiologist who decided to do a electrophysiological study on me , he found that other tachycardia thing and fried it . I was back home in a day and he told me that NOTHING else is there and it's just like when u try to see the electricity from a motherboard , if something is wrong , the current won't pass through , and he zapped my heart from left to right and nothing was there. Even my 10 page long bloodworks came back and my father ( he is a doctor ) said that he hasn't seen a person healthier than me . And he tested EVERYTHING . ct scans , holter monitor , EVERYTHING.
    I went to the best cardiologist in the country and she said after listening to my heart 5 seconds that I only have sinus arrhythmia and started to laugh at me and sent me on my way. I tried to accept that it's anxiety and away I went abroad . During the plane flight ( I hate plane flights ) I felt like I was going to die again , my hearbeat was like : . . . . . . bump ........ . . . . . bump........ .. . . . and with constant adrenaline rushes .
    I managed to survive 3 months of this nightmare there , staying with my parents on skype all the time , cellphone always in my pocket with the security phone number on a speed dial in case I go into sudden cardiac arrest , sleeping with my hand on the call button. I even stopped going to uni since the moment I got up from my bed It felt like a horse kicking my chest or when walking out my heart rate would go up to 170 beats per minute . or on the other extreme when it's lower I have that irregular beat that shows up even on my blood pressure monitor . It's like beat beat beat small pause BUMP then it races again and repeats
    I finally got back home and I did a heart radioscopy ( nothing) ekg stress test and went to pulse 200 and she said that i didn't even have a single pvc ( although I have some when I lie down sometimes) like 1 per day . I always demand an end to this nightmare , and I tried therapy ...still nothing xanax helped me 2-3 days but then i needed more and more up to 2 or 3 pills a day and some beers to cope with the constant pounding in my body. My father said that they are only sensations from the vagus nerve and it's an imbalance between sympathetic nervous system that makes ur heart race , digestion stop , etc and the parasympathethic one that makes you sleep , digest , lowers heart rate .... and that the irregular delayed beat I feel is only on a slower heart rate in the moment i end my exhaling ( the sinus arrhythimia ) And that I should stop this bullshit because I'm not fooling him anymore and that he thinks I am just lazy and this is a way to justify my failure at college . And that In 2 days I have my plane ticket , if I don't go back yo uni he will kick me out of the house .What am I supposed to do? the whole nervous system thing and sinus arrhythmia sounds legit but there are things that don't add up , I have that delayed thump sometimes even if I have over 120 bpm , and I looked up on the internet and those nervous system symptoms are mixed up in my case , it's not dominant in one way or another ..so I can't tell if there is an imbalance . I want to accept that it's anxiety but when I hear the explanation that it started because I was afraid of going to uni and read ( my father's explanation ) that is utter bullshit .... makes me deny it more , or his way of improvising a non serious explanation for every single symptom that I have just to make me shut up and tell me ok now go and study . It makes me worry even more that I have something and it's just ignored because of his obsession with me studying. When I come and tell him that I can't take this constant 24/7 awareness of my heartbeat he says that it's because I didn't take my driver's license , didn't have good grades in school etc...and that I am hysteric and I need to do physiotherapy , massage , counseling and THE MOST IMPORTANT , to shut up and go STUDY , that when I study it will go AWAY And in anger I tell him that it's his problem and I refuse to be condemned to this nightmare because of his frustrations . So he said that either I go back at uni ( and suffer alone there but he will give me money for the therapy ) or I stay here and he kicks me out of the house . And honesty he WILL kick me out . he is not joking . He is holding my mother on his side because the last time she decided to be on mine he nearly divorced . I don't know what to do , I don't know what to decide , I have 2 more days and I am constantly afraid I might die when my heart goes nuts again and I want to stay here with them and rebuild my body and mind and continue uni next year ... I can't go through that nightmare again , every single second with my hand on the cellphone in case that heart irregular beat comes back and doesn't go away.
    Is it JUST anxiety or a real physical thing that is the ROOT of my anxiety? I can't even go to the store by myself anymore....It's a nightmare ..good thing I'm terrified of death.

  2. #2

    Re: On the verge of taking a fist of sleeping pills....

    And good thing you are terrified of death because is not the way out. I assume by your post that you are still young so, you have a life to live for. I know what you are going through because I am going through a similar situation. I am not a doctor or a therapist but I have had three episodes of major depression throughout my life, accompanied by extreme anxiety, panic attacks and all the works. In my case my heart goes the other way around...it pounds like crazy which makes me so scared. I just had a cup of hot cocoa (not chocolate) which some what eases my anxiety. From 1 to 10 being 10 feeling the best, I am at around 8.5 or 9, so I have gathered sufficient focus to write to you. When you are suffering from anxiety you get an array of symptoms, generally they are similar for most people but some people can get other symptoms depending on the situation that triggered your anxiety. I gather that you are not ready at this moment to go away to uni and you CAN NOT do this until you are emotionally apt and ready to do it. I am an executive director at a non profit organization, so, you know the responsibility and the pressure this conveys but my doctor said I couldn't work under the anxiety and depression circumstances that I was in so, in spite of my worries and responsibilities, I had to take a break and go home. I took about a month off, which wasn't a party because I isolated myself in my room and that wasn't good. No eating, no bathing, no combing for a few days. Just talking with God. Christmas holidays were horrible but I just couldn't receive company or talk to people either. Please don't go this way. Although recommendations are usually to pick up on something such as books, hobbies, study, etc., to take your mind away from anxious thoughts and especially when you have health anxiety with worries rushing through your head 24/7...you just can't concentrate. It is very hard to put anxiety and depression away in a pocket to engage in something, more so if that something is the root of your anxiety. Perhaps a good heart-felt no kidding talk, with your parents about what you are going through, your feelings, worries and concerns, to make them understand where your mind is at presently and how much you need their support at the moment could be constructive. If that works, then you have to promise them and yourself that you will seek the help of a therapist and if necessary medication from your doctor, and follow through. Don't waste the time stuck with the anxiety. Seek help actively. If that doesn't work, then it's plan B. "I am truly sorry Dad, but I just can't do this right know". Maybe a relative or good friend that is willing to help and give you the support you need while you get back on your feet could be a potential scenario. The best thing that we have is one day after another and it is never to late to start again. Maybe next year or next semester could be good to start uni. I don't know how this works in your country. Anxiety seems like it's forever and it can really suck you into very scary and worrisome moments because of all the symptoms experienced but it can get under control with therapy, medication, thought switching, and lots of support from friends and family. It may take some time but you will be able to see the sun shine again. I am at a moment in my life where my anxiety is not being a joy ride. I have weird symptoms and many negative health thoughts rush through my head, too. My doctor says I am ok; ECG good, laboratories good, just some hbp but its being controlled, and she assured me that everything would be ok, so I try to center on that. I do realize that anxiety and depression are feelings, no more, so I try to go with the flow. Some times of the day are good some are bad, but there's always tomorrow. For now, just focus on healing. I really wish you the best and hope you can come to a solution. Much love and understanding to you and a great big warm bear hug from across the world. (and no sleeping pills )...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Posts
    188

    Re: On the verge of taking a fist of sleeping pills....

    We all tell ourselves that our symptoms ''must be more'' or they ''can't JUST be anxiety''. We ALL do that. That's a good sign, because it more than likely means it IS anxiety. I read in a book that the great thing about anxiety is that your symptoms are limited. It can only get better from here.

    The one thing that had turned my life around is changing the way I think. I work hard to smile every day, relax and think positive even in the darkest moments. Take a deep breath and think... is my heart beating fast REALLY all that bad? Is it really scary? It's my heart working, keeping me alive, it's beating. It's amazing. It's been beating since the day you were born, keeping you strong and alive. You can only feel it now because you are scared, so don't be scared of it any more. It's your heart and it's doing it's job well.

    Just remember you are not alone and it DOES get better. You just have to take those positive steps toward cure. Even if it's one little step at a time, it's within your reach 100%.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    365

    Re: On the verge of taking a fist of sleeping pills....

    Hi. Ten years ago I was where you are - paralysed by anxiety, scared to sleep because I thought I would die in the night. I get palpitations (PVCs); sometimes thousands a day. Everything I have ever read says that missed beats (they are not missed, actually they are fractionally early) are common and invariably harmless. It has been a struggle at times, but I have mostly come to terms with my anxiety now and I hope you can do the same.

    You can hear/feel your heartbeat because you have tuned in to it. Just like you can tune in to other noises or sensations. It's just your mind bluffing you into thinking there is something wrong with you.

    I agree that going to college if you are in such a state is perhaps not the best idea. However, presumably college would not start until Sept. What you need to do is start working on the anxiety now.

    Here are some great books that helped me:

    Claire Weekes - Self Help for Your Nerves
    Richard Carlson - Stop Thinking, Start Living

    There are great relaxation meditation things on You Tube. The Insight Timer app is free and has great meditations on it.

    It is so easy when you are anxious to become paralysed by it. Please don't be like me and waste years waiting for a catastrophe that will never happen. Work on your anxiety, keep studying as best you can, and decide about college later.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    637

    Re: On the verge of taking a fist of sleeping pills....

    I remember feeling like your last line. When I had an unsympathetic junior doctor who had no idea about anything mental health related, she asked me if I was a danger to myself. I said no, the reason I'm this way is because I DON'T want to die. That earned me a denial of a referral to a psychiatrist I desperately needed but that's another thing. This can DEFINITELY be caused by anxiety. I'm a traveler and this was my first bout with HA and I was determined to go somewhere during he summer. I did and on the journey there my anxiety peaked. I didn't think it was anxiety at the time and the more I googled my aches and pains, the worse I got. I made my journey hell and my time there he'll and I remember crying into the phone to my mum every single night. It's hell, I know it, but don't let it beat you. Xx
    __________________
    “Nothing is absolute. Everything changes, everything moves, everything revolves, everything flies and goes away.” ― Frida Kahlo

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    3,250

    Re: On the verge of taking a fist of sleeping pills....

    I have suffered with the same heart fear and symptoms for quite some years, mainly because i let the fear control me for so long. Getting a fast beating heart or a run of PVCs is scary no matter how many doctors tell us everything's fine. However, my saviour over the last few years has been a beta blocker called Propranolol because it works by stopping adrenalin from affecting the heart rate, so this becomes slower and generally relaxes you depending on how much you take. It's also not a mind-altering drug like other anti-anxiety meds can do. My GP suffers with heart palps too and he also takes beta blockers so at least I know he understands how bad it can be. My hubby gets PVCs too but he can't feel them and he only knows they're happening if he uses the bp machine as they show up on that. How unfair is that?

    ISB x
    __________________
    Without fear there cannot be courage - Christopher Paolini

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