Hi, I think this may be a long post but I'll try to keep it concise. Apologies in advanced.
I've dealt with anxiety and bouts of depression on and off for the last 12 years. I've had some real lows but also some real highs.About 2 1/2 months ago I had a severe anxiety attack and have been dealing with it ever since. I'm currently taking Citalopram and start CBT shortly. I decided to join and post to share my experience this time and hopefully speak to others who have dealt with similar experiences.
I haven't had an alcoholic drink since Christmas 2016 as I know it sets me off and decided to try and have a healthy year. A staff party came up and I'd been feeling good for a while so thought why not have a couple of drinks and relax. That evening the party was going fine, I was having a good time. My friend asked me to go out and have a couple of tokes on a joint (terrible idea I know). When I came back in I started dancing again. I looked at my girlfriend and suddenly felt distant and as though something was wrong, "something's changed" was the thought that popped into my head. I brushed it off as the joint and carried on the night feeling bit weird but nothing major.
I woke up the next day feeling hungover but we went out and had a good day, did some errands, had lunch etc. That evening we got in bed and I started to get anxious and moody. My girlfriend asked me what was wrong and she got upset after I snapped at her. As soon as she got upset this thought popped into my head "I don't love you". This terrified me, I got extremely anxious and agitated. I told work I wouldn't be coming in the next day as I was sick. I didn't sleep at all that night. The next day I had several panic attacks and had to call my mum to pick me up from home and take me to hers. I ended up having just over a week off work. The last 10 weeks have been tough I'm doing a lot better now but on my bad days I still have the thoughts pop into my head.
In the past my anxiety has revolved around not loving my family, being mad, killing someone and sexual impulses. I can deal with these. This time has been very tough though. I've never worried about my GF. I won't pretend we have a perfect relationship but we do have a very good strong relationship and I've never felt I didn't love her. We share everything and are very open with each other, I've told her everything I'm thinking about right now and she couldn't be more supportive. She's incredible, she really is. We bought a house together at the start of the year and before the attack I bought a ring to propose at Christmas. I was feeling more comfortable in my life than I ever had. Now I don't feel like myself at all, these thoughts plague me most days. If I'm not thinking about not loving her I'm going over thoughts I've had in the past, things I've said or done, being attracted to other women, thinking I'm going to cheat on her etc. Most of these are all normal thoughts I know but when I'm like this I over analyse them and they only make me feel worse. When I relax I feel better and I know I love her, I get excited about seeing her, proposing and so on but as soon as I notice I'm feeling good I say why are you lying to yourself or why are you pretending etc. It's like I want to make myself feel bad. I'm doing okay right now but it's a constant up and down. I don't want to leave her, I can't imagine life without her. I still love spending time with her, I'm still attracted to her. I feel like I'm constantly trying to "feel love" which I know is the wrong thing to do because I will never feel something I'm trying to force myself to feel. I know love is much more than just a feeling anyway, it's a choice and it's a decision to work and stick by your partner through good and bad.
I've been diagnosed with GAD and this I know is something I have but I also feel I'm suffering from ROCD. The constant obsessing over whether I love her, if I want to be with her etc is what makes me think this.
Apologies again for the large post, it's made me feel a bit better getting it out of my head. I know there are people out there who have suffered and dealt with similar feelings and thoughts. Any advice or tips? Or just sharing your own experience would be great too.
Many thanks.
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