Doing it By the Spoonful

[fduop]

First thank-you MrAndy for the kind words. Good Evening. Man today was fun, it's my second day in class and right after lunch I was bent over with stomach pain and cold sweats. It was my best panic attack in a while but I breathed through it and after a little recovery I'm feeling much better. While I'm not 100% positive it was panic (it could have been bad salsa) my mind was racing telling me to give up my class.

Thankfully, it passed and it even rained some this afternoon cooling off our 100+ degree f temperatures. I guess my point is as always it's a day at the time trip with one foot in front of the other. So let's get walking. (God, I'm starting to sound like a bad affirmation poster.)

[fduop]

Good Afternoon. Well we are working on our second week of 96+ degree f temps. (Don't know how to convert C because I'm a lazy American.) Anyway, the Instructor I have for this course I'm retaking is older and wiser (yes, he's my age) and we get along well. So maybe the "third time will be the charm" with this class.

But the course isn't without it's stressors the complications in the formulas for me are mind blowing. I will so at this time I'm grasping the statistical concepts. It's nice to not be stressed, to feel that everything is going alright. This insane panic we all live under robs us all of the peace of mind we should have.

We all know that stress is just a part of life. But to live everyday with the hyper-reaction we have toward the slightest stressful situation. I don't know about you, but at this point, it just pisses me off. What I have to remember is not to be angry at myself. Because that just opens a whole other can of worms to deal with. We have to face our fear. By moving forward a little everyday loving and not condemning ourselves, we can beat this.

Again, I realize I'm starting to sound like a cheap motivational tape. But by understanding we hold the key to over coming this, you take control. Rather you do it through medical or cognitive therapies or both, there is light. If nearly 20 years of fighting this has taught me anything it is, peace within yourself is the best victory.

[fduop]

Good Evening. The last two days we have been blessed with some late afternoon rain. So at least the garden doesn't have to be watered and the guy that cuts my grass isn't kicking up too much dust. Well I completed my first week of class and it was a doozy. It took me over four hours to complete my first statistics test, which I got 78% correct and will consider that an "A".

While we did get some rain, I had some real stressors with some other things going on. But today I'm a bit sore but feeling better now that I figured out how to work a number of my stat formulas with a great tutorial.

Last night I got a note from a classmate of mine from my bachelor degree days. As we communicated back and forth today, I was impressed with how they were putting their degree to work, while I just felt "stuck in the mud". But after my victory over statistics today, even thinking of that could not soil my mathematic euphoria.

[fduop]

Good Afternoon. Well it's Friday more or less the end it an interesting week. Since I last wrote I got an interesting job offer from a property insurance company that deals with finance securities. It sounds demanding and the work is hard. I'm kinda moiling it over in my mind to see if this is where I want to go. But at the moment the focus is on school.

After spending two years of my life just getting over the panic/anxiety (which is still here), I am still under the idea of taking it slow. Because every time I'd feel better, I'd jump in head first back into school and end up nearly drowning. So you can see I'm sticking my toe back in very cautiously.

But even after a rough hot night last night, my spirits are good today. I got some stuff done for school and I thought I'd take some time to catch you up on my never boring adventure. So to everyone across the pond, be well and breathe.

[fduop]

Good Morning. Thought I'd login and leave a cheery note just to show that some days are diamonds and some days are just a rock. Today hasn't been written yet, so it's hard to judge, but at the moment my assignments are done it's been very quite and I'm about to read my Sunday paper.

But isn't that all we can count on, the moment we are in. By focusing on the here and now it relieves us of the burden of past regrets and the anxiety of what's going to happen tomorrow. I know it sound's all "new agey" and "kumbaya" down by the river, but it makes sense.

So as you struggle through your Sunday and the rest of this week, simply think about getting through the moment. Then the next and the next. Doing that relieves the burden of the past and the dread of the future. Live now.

[fduop]

Good Afternoon. Well I'm back, not that I really went anywhere. But I was kinda out of it for a day or two. Usually at the end of the month moochers like myself tend to run out of things like medicine and food. So I had to go underground and wait till I got my senses back.

Don't worry, I'm feeling better now that I've medicated up a few hours ago. To be honest, I don't think it's so much running out of meds as it is the thought of running out of meds. You know how the panicky mind works, looking for the next thing to panic about, well that's where I have been.

You just gotta take it one day at a time, one step at a time. That's all you can ask of yourself. So I'm sure I'll be spending the weekend getting re-balanced and re-oriented, as it were. So you have a good first weekend in July and beware of Americans being gifts.

[fduop]

Good morning. Ever since yesterday when I took my wife to the doctor I have just felt out of it. During the time we spent in the office my blood sugar dropped like a rock, but I got home and recovered. Then last nigh around 2 am I just felt rough, my sugar was okay, I checked. But I've felt anxious and tense since then?

I'm going to "assume" I'm letting my panic get the best of me. You know how it goes, when you throw fuel on a fire. I guess the thing to do is ride the wave, cause this to shall pass. But saying that sure doesn't make the ride any easier. Plus I believe I have a bit of what we call, a summer cold, which only fans those anxious flames.

Anyway, I'll keep everyone updated about my mini-soap opera of a life. Till then I'll try and float through the tide and breathe.

[fduop]

Good Evening. Well it's 10:45 pm my time and I just turned in my last paper for the week. Normally I'd take a break Monday, but I have to take my wife for some test at the hospital. I hope to get back and have a chance to retake my Statistics quiz for the week. My first score was so bad, it can only go up.

As you may can tell I'm feeling a bit better. I can't really explain other then my mind has been so occupied with getting school work done, I can't think of anything else. But that's BS, simply because it's usually when I'm busy that the anxiety and confusion kick in. Anyway, everyone have a good night, maybe later I'll have a good story to tell. Hopefully, a good one.

[fduop]

Good Morning. It's Tuesday morning here and I'm settling in to another fun filled day. Yesterday at the hospital was "fun", spent over 3 hours on various tests. Which I shouldn't complain about since I wasn't the one getting poked and prodded. But we made it, all be it very difficultly, which I should be proud.

Still I woke up this morning after a uneasy nights sleep. Before my meds could kick in, I was feeling pretty rough. You know how it goes, worry about this, worry about that, but instead of drowning out the noises I took my own advice and said to me. "Listen, I get that you're stressed about a number of things, and that's natural." "But hiding under the covers isn't going to solve a thing." " Just focus on the task at hand and allow yourself to breathe, this to shall pass."

I'm not saying this is a magic pill but, letting yourself know you're moving one step at a time does get things done. Remember we are all fallible and very prone to missing up. But that is the human way. Lord's knows I don't have all the answers. But at least I'm looking and that's all we can ask yourselves to do.

[fduop]

Good Afternoon. I was going to login last night but for whatever reason, I couldn't access the site. Last night wasn't too good, I woke up around 2 am with my heart just pounding having myself a pretty good anxiety attack. I call it that because I don't have panic attacks as severe as I once did, but they do still effect my day to day. My attack was due to my worry about the current course I'm taking in school.

I lay in bed trying to chill with the thoughts that were running every was way through my head, yet again. But somehow part of my mind thought, "even if you quit school, yet again, where do you finally draw the line in the sand?" So despite the pressure I logged in to my school website and discovered that the very thing I was panicking about, a grade on a paper, I had made a perfect grade.

While I do struggle with this course, my average so far is around 87% which is definitely a passing grade. Besides this is the last regular course I'm taking, with the next course being my capstone class that test and cover what I've already taken and passed.

I guess my point now is to say, if we allow ourselves to run it may be a quick fix, but does that fix anything? If we can only allow ourselves to face what we fear and not judge ourselves as being weak. Every how and then we can surprise ourselves by making it through these things.

But should we really be surprised? If you give yourself the chance, you maybe impressed by the things you can do. So give it a try.