Hi
I thought I would do this post in the hope that it might reassure any of you who are in the throes of horrible depersonalization / derealization. Or however you spell them!! Lol. I actually just noticed there was a forum page for this topic when looking for other things, which prompted me to come and post here.
I first experienced dp/dr way back in late 2005. I don't know if there are any long-time members here however back then, my forum name was "Juliamidlands", and I had started having dp/dr after having an out of the blue panic attack whilst driving at night (f you were to google "nomorepanic juliamidlands" you would find search results with links to many of my original posts). I was a very frequent poster during the winter of 2005/early 2006 and really did suffer greatly. That initial panic attack came out of nowhere and absolutely knocked me sideways; previously I'd had no night-time driving issues whatsoever, and as a result of the panic attack it literally overnight developed into a major issue. It then extended into my everyday life and of course then started the feeling of being 'unreal' and my goodness, how it scared me. I was only in my early 20's at the time and it honestly changed me as a person (temporarily(, I went from being outgoing and confident, not giving a second thought to getting in my car and being independent, to being obsessed with checking my symptoms of how I felt each day, and afraid to do things. My parents, with whom I was living at the time, were getting very fed up of me constantly moaning about how I felt unreal, in all honesty I don't think they meant to be unkind, I just don't think they could relate! When at work, I felt as if I was not really in my own body/life, eg when I was talking I felt my voice was coming from elsewhere and that I was hearing it from a distance?! Sounds really crazy when I look back at it. And to everyone else I am sure I appeared to be completely normal and like there wasn't an issue whatsoever. At my worst, I was having terrible panic attacks overnight when I was in my bedroom alone and it was just a thoroughly horrible time. I even considered selling my car and giving up driving at one point as I didn't feel safe enough to be in control of a moving vehicle. There were certain roads around my hometown -including of course the road where I had the original panic attack - which became 'no go zones' as whenever I drove on them, especially with feelings of dp/dr, I would feel like my head was going to shut down or I was going to go crazy somehow, and would never recover.
I did a LOT of reading on this forum during those months and learned much about how dp/dr is connected to anxiety.
So what changed, and how did I recover?
Well firstly, it wasn't a quick process. This forum initially helped me hugely.. just to know I wasn't alone in having these feelings. It can be a lonely experience when you are the only person in your family/friends to be going through that.. and well-meaning loved ones only tell you to 'get over it' or 'pull yourself together' and you just... can't. So initially, this forum was my lifeline. But it is really important to realise...
YOU ARE NOT GOING MAD
THIS IS NOT GOING TO KILL YOU
IT IS A NORMAL RESPONSE TO EXTREME ANXIETY
IT WILL NOT LAST FOREVER... THIS TOO, SHALL PASS! (as the old saying goes!
Really, keep repeating these to yourself. This feeling right now might be consuming you but is it TEMPORARY... what is a big deal right now really will not be in the future!! I am actually proud of myself when I think about what I went through at that time and the fact I came out the other side of it!
I had been reading some advice about how the best thing to do was to just accept the feelings I was having... the more you tense up, the more you are going to feel it...
So one day, I thought you know what, I cannot cope with feeling this way. I wanted to recover SO badly. So, that day, as I was driving home from work, heading towards one of my "scary roads", I thought "Ok panic/dp/dr, fine... do your worst! Make my head shut down.. send me crazy... I don't care! You are NOT going to control me anymore!".. I relaxed my shoulders, which I realised were tensed up as I was driving.. and I headed further towards "that" scary road.. and I just drove... no hesitation... I just did it..... and I felt fine!! As soon as I accepted the feelings that my mind/body was having, I started to relax and go with it... and that ... that moment right there, was the beginning of my recovery
Of course.. not everyone shared my enthusiasm.. I remember getting home feeling really happy, calling my boyfriend (at the time) and telling him.. to be met with a bemused. "Oh, right...".. I never felt as if he truly understood the severity of the issues I was having.. needless to say, him and I split up a very long time ago now and these days I have a completely different life and am happily married - I have bad health anxiety these days and do post on the appropriate forum on here when the HA is bad... but the dp/dr days are far behind me. I moved away from my hometown several years ago so don't drive on those roads anymore so to be completely honest I don't know how I would feel.... but life is so different these days and it all just feels like a very long time ago.
I am not trying to say that it will take you years and years to recover.. it may... it may not... but as soon as you can become at peace with the feelings... to know they are NOT going to hurt you... that is when your recovery will begin..... I promise you!
I mentioned how this forum was a great source of support to me in the early days of my acute panic/dp/dr... I have to admit that I did find in the end that I had to restrict my time on the forum as I found it was making me focus a lot on the feelings... and there came a point when I thought Ok, I am glad the forum is here for me if I need it... but the recovery must from ME.. I've got to get out there and live my life and realise that this issue doesn't define who I am.. I am a whole other person with a job/friends/life etc away from this computer screen and I have neglected those things and people and need to live a full life again, embracing the nasty feelings and therefore lessening the impact they have on my life. So.. what I am saying it... this forum is great! Just don't let it be your whole life. Accept that you have this thing, and life with it. You are YOU.. you're not a condition or a set of scary symptoms. They are just part of you and they are temporary (promise).
I hope that this can help someone/anyone. It might seem completely overwhelming at the moment but I am sure that one day you will look back on this scary time in your life, just how I have done... and it will be a distant memory
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