Terrified about impending romance

[Marginalia]

I posted in drummermike's thread, but I've decided to start my own thread so I can open up a bit more. It would be nice to get some replies, but I'm hoping just having somewhere to write things down will help me get through the next few days.

I have no idea why something so wonderful and good in my life would make me feel anxious to tears. I'm so close to wanting to run away from the whole thing at times, just to lose the anxiety.

My story is this (as posted in the other thread):

I'm 42, have been single 8 years (after a brief romance which went wrong shattering my confidence in myself... I was the one who dumped him, but I don't know why I went from complete infatuation to... just not liking him (it wasn't anything he did wrong)... and I have been afraid of breaking anyone else's heart). A few months ago I met someone I really liked (felt a strong connection with), but didn't have a chance to get to know him. We have been talking on the web for months, and we're finally going to meet again properly (now both knowing that we have romantic feelings towards one another).

And I'm having kittens about it. I am tormented all the time by worst-case scenarios which jump into my mind, as well as by my digestive system misbehaving. I am very frightened.

I feel totally in love with him. He touches me with his words, melts me and moves me like noone else ever has. I feel he is my friend, my ally, my equal. (He is shy, so he too has anxieties he is trying to work through) For the first time I understand the phrase 'my other half'. But this is just a feeling, and to have such feelings when I hardly know him is irrational.

I am due to meet him on Friday, but my anxiety is causing me so much anguish. My stomach has been making the most embarassing popping and moaning noises, increasing in frequency (to the point it's setting off my health anxiety). I'm worried my stomach will be like a third person commenting on the conversation when we are together and will kill any romance.

It's also making me feel out of control, since I have the classic anxiety symptoms of feeling I need to go to the loo, loss of appetite, queasiness. I haven't felt this nervous for a long long time, and it makes me want to cry with exhaustion having to deal with it, and the thought of enduring it for the next few days until goodness knows when.

I wish I knew how to calm myself down. I'm so stressed with the amount of things I have to do, at work and so on, but it's hard to concentrate on them, causing procrastination and more anxiety... that makes me feel such a mess I don't feel I deserve to have someone special.

But despite all this I think I'm actually more 'afraid of success' than 'afraid of failure'. The more incredibly kind and thoughtful and wonderful he is, the more I respond positively to him, and then I panic that I am giving him false expectations. He is so lovely and I don't want to let him down: I care about him so much I really don't want to break his heart.

My fear of letting him down is because a couple of times before (most notably in that relationship 8 years ago), I have thought I was in love with somebody, only to have the feeling suddenly desert me, leaving me thinking "what have I done?" and wishing I'd never agreed to a relationship. I tried ever so hard not to reveal my feelings this time, so that I wouldn't give him (and myself) false hopes, but 5 months proved too long to hold back, or rather, it kind of became evident to each other as we got to know each other better, without us having to address it explicitly.

We've pretty much pledged to each other (though not in those words) to try a relationship.

But my rational part is saying: I have only met this man for three days: it is incredibly rash to build any feelings on such short acquaintance (5 months of chatting on the web is too far removed from reality to count).

Perhaps when I meet him on Friday the feelings won't be there any more, and I'll have that awful trapped feeling, and he'll be so hurt. *cries*

*panic*

[Carefree]

There's one person who can reassure you more than any of us can.. and that's your love interest

Call him and let him know how nervous you're feeling and I'm sure he will tell you he's feeling the same way.

I can relate to your current situation to some extent..

--------------

I was single for 5 years after going through some very intense relationships (sometimes overlapping which I now regret) and got burned out. I just couldn't stand the thought of going through all of again (most of the problems were of my own doing, I was flaky and defensive over my emotions basically, which led to insecurities destroying everything good).

So, after 5 years I met a young woman at a hotel I was staying in about a year and a half ago. Instantly something clicked, and we ended up having dinner a couple of nights and even kissed on the night before I had to return. We kept in touch over the following weeks and she ended up booking a flight to come see me.

All of a sudden I felt crippled with anxiety and fear. I now felt pressure to host a whole 3 or 4 days for her and I was also worried she wouldn't even like me.

I picked her up from the airport, and we hugged. Everything was a bit awkward actually, and I took her to a restaraunt for what turned out to be a really weird dinner. My God I wouldn't want to go through that again!

I was blaming myself as we drove back to my place, and began counting the hours until the she was going back, I had a whole weekend still of this to go through. I thought never again. No-one had ever made me feel less sure of myself and I was slightly angered by some of her responses during the evening. I really just wanted to put her on the next plane back and go home and bury my head.



When we got back however, things changed. She opened up and said how nervous she was (I never noticed, she looked confident and strong) and that she ruined the dinner with her attitude. We both ended up opening up and we decided not to call it a night, instead popped a bottle of wine and chatted until the small hours of the morning...

The rest of the weekend was fantastic and things really started to whirlwind once we let our guards down and got over how weird the situation was - I mean, we had only just met in a hotel, and neither of us were the type to date strangers lurking around lobbies (we're both introverted for the most part). A month later I had moved country (which I was planning on anyway, hence the hotel visits) AND I had moved in with a new girlfriend. Crazy how life can be so calm and uneventful then it knocks you off your feet. Everything can change in the drop of a hat.


I'm sure you'll have a similar experience, the nerves and anxieties, are just a minor detail in the bigger picture. Don't lose track of what you want from this guy, and the sooner you open up to each other when face to face, the easier it will be I'm sure (very easy to be open via text, but not so much when you have their eyes all over you haha!)

Good luck

[Marginalia]

Carefree - thank you so much for your reply, particularly for sharing your own tale. It's really made me think, and to realise that it's worth hanging in there even if the feelings seem to vanish.

That feeling trapped and 'just waiting for her to go' thing is so familiar to me - wow. It really helps not to feel totally alone in having had such antisocial impulses! But that you turned it round even after such a tricky start, with mutual honesty and openness... that's inspiring to me.

I've been reading a lot about CBT and one of the irrational ways of thinking they ask people to be on the look out for is "all or nothing thinking", and it's made making me wonder if I have been treating love as an 'all or nothing' thing, so that as soon as a person appears less than perfect [well OK, I exaggerate - I'm not that bad], or if I can't feel the absolute love feeling on a particular day, I assume I've (they've) blown it and it's gone forever.

I also think you are very wise to recommend discussing one's negative feelings, as well as positive feelings, with the other person. This is something I have been trying to do this time, because it's a mistake I have made in the past to think I should keep them to myself and sort them out alone. So he does know how nervous I am, and my doubts and fears, and I even warned him about the stomach noises! But he's so reassuring and optimistic it just makes me worry that he's got such expectations of me and will be more devastated if it doesn't work out.

I think it will be easier once we are face to face to talk about these things more: I haven't wanted to say to him "well, part of the reason I am feeling this way is because last time I had a boyfriend etc. etc...." before we're even officially 'a couple'! Also it's hard to discuss really personal vulnerable things without being able to see his expression or get a hug.

Despite my anxiety, I just wish I could be with him now. It's the suspense that's doing me in!

Thank you again for that post. I am going to print it off and carry it with me to read if I start panicking.

Feeling calmer now, hopefully for a while,
Min

[Carefree]

You'll be back here in a few weeks telling us about the wedding plans I bet!

[drummermike]

Not trying to pry but here is my take on your post.

"I don't feel I deserve to have someone special"

I found the above statement to be the most important statement that stood out to me ........

I am no relationship guru, so don't listen to me, but I will respectfully disagree with your statement about meeting someone for 3 days and talking for months chatting doesn't count.

As my long winded first post states, I lost my seemingly best friend and love of 5 years and was devastated. And to a point I am still rocked from it. But I realize there are more reasons for this loss now. Despite my "handicap" anxiety, I woke up everyday and pushed on for her and went to sleep at night, knowing I could have another day with her. Her walking away for silly reasons, (which I really think was related to my inability to interact in the real world like I used too) ... was selfish at least.

Fast forward to your post. I met a woman online, we chatted, talked on the phone and finally met in person. I was terrified and didn't think I could do it. See my other posts. We shared a full weekend, and NO this was not a re-bound. Our basic chemistry was/is amazing. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would even meet someone, let alone get past the grieving of my ex for months maybe more let alone such a short period.

Am I jumping into a relationship with this new friend? Absolutely not ... I am far from ready for that, but I now KNOW that I am capable. That passion is there for someone else ... and her for me.

And non of the chemistry was contrived at all. It was all natural, and I figured out some things that really made me unhappy regarding my ex.

Moral: Tell him what you think and feel. Put yourself out there. Don't have ANY expectations, take your time ....... if it works ir works, if it doesn't it doesn't, I believe part of anxiety is pre-planning, perfection, and anticipatory. Let him like you, let yourself like him, and if you don't feel it, then be honest, with yourself and him.

That's what I did and it worked. Actually I have been like this all my life, but I really had to put it to practice this time because of my new anxiety/stress friend.

Was I nervous around her? Yep ... was it cause of her? Nope I am uncomfortable around anybody ...... which is an unknown feeling.

Dunno, hope what I wrote makes sense?

[Marginalia]

Just thought I'd post an update in case anyone was curious, or as an encouragement to others.

Despite being nervous as hell beforehand, and imagining every possible worst scenario, as soon as I was alone with him all my anxiety disappeared. I was still slightly shy and self-conscious, but a lot less than I have ever been with anyone else. There's nothing like a good hug to get past the awkwardness of words, and we did a lot of hugging. I was astonished to find I was totally 100% comfortable with him, perhaps because he cares about me as much as I care about him, perhaps because he too was feeling kind of nervous and shy beforehand, perhaps just because he communicates in a way which totally works for me and just melts me.

In any case, we are totally head over heels besotted with each other and I can't wait to see him again. I have no nervousness about being with him any more, and the only anxieties still remaining are that something will keep us apart, because we are so desperate to be together again (and must wait another 2 months).

I have never felt so happy with someone in my life.

Thank you for helping calm me down. Your replies definitely put things in perspective for me and I felt much less anxious in the few days before I met him, than I did when I started the thread.

Min.