Shyness

[HelenM]

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar to me? I suffer from shyness and anxiety in social situations. It seems to hold me back in many areas of my life- I find it very frustrating!

I suffered bullying at school over a period of a number of years, and I just took it, as I hate conflict and I had no back up from my friends. I left school many years ago now, but years on it is still eating away at me- The fact that I didn't stand up for myself makes me feel ashamed and has meant that I've had no closure on it. Occasionally I still see people from school and when I do my heart beat races and I revert back to the even more painfully shy person I was at school.

Rationally I know that it's over and it is up to me to get over it and move on- (I really enjoyed uni and have made a group of really close friends- I do realise that I'm very lucky in many aspects of my life), but despite that, it still seems to haunt me on a subconscious level- particularly in group situations, and I am very wary of new people until I know them well enough to trust them- which I wish I wasn't! It makes it really difficult to make new friends, and people often mistake my shyness for unfriendliness.

I just thought I'd see if anyone could relate to this or had any advice? I think part of the problem is I bottle things up, as I don't want to burden others and seem like I'm making a drama out of things- as I realise many people have suffered a lot worse and moved on. Just writing this has helped I think, so thanks very much for listening!

Helen M

[ElizabethJane]

I'm sorry that you were bullied at school. I was too. It was really really horrible and its effects can eat away at your self confidence and do a lot of psychological damage. Have you ever had counselling for this? It might help to improve your self confidence. You could also try writng down what you would say to the bullies if you met them now. I recently went back to my old school; for a reunion. Fortunately the bullies were not there! The school had changed a lot so the areas where I was bullied were not easiliy recognisable. It might help you if you made an appointment with one of your old teachers and told them how you have suffered if you left school not so long ago? Hopefully you will eventually reach some closure and be able to let it go. Best wishes.

[Diane O'Brien]

Hi Shyness

Just reading your thread and so much like me. I get extremely nervous round people and keep people at arms length. I go quiet and I worry that people think I,m being rude and unfriendly. Some poeple do take advantage of me cause I find it very hard to stick up for myself and hate conflict.

Your not making a drama of anything because I know it can affect your social life, job and a loss in confidence. Its good that u are happy at uni and have made some good friends, unfortunately hun, we cant change the past but we can learn from it, become stronger and wiser.

I wish u well and hope u find closure and move on.


Diane xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[STEPHYUNO]

Hi Helen my name is Stephen and I can relate to the feelings that you describe, I used to get very easily embarressed, either meeting new people, in group situations and especially coming across the kinda people that tried to put me down when I was younger.

Firstly it is ok and common to feel such things, the actions of some others have caused you to doubt yourself and question your worth which can result in this shyness and not saying what you think for fear of being criticised. Let me tell you, you do have great worth and you will feel a great sense of security and selfworth once again.
When those people in your past and it is your past did those things, it was to over come their own insecurities and they probably didn't know how much they hurt you, but you where then and are stronger still because you don't have to hurt others feeelings to boost your own self esteem.

Things like hypnotherapy cds can help you relax and reinforce the truth that you are as good and valid as any other person, starting from today you will become more comfortable and confident in any social situation.

No one knows what we are thinking or feeling and what seems like a big deal to us doesn't even register with others,in fact they are probably too busy with their own thoughts or concerns so try and be as you would with the people you are most comfortable with in any social setting,all the best Stephen x

[HelenM]

Thanks very much everyone for your responses and for your advice.

Hi Elizabeth Jane- No, I've never had counselling, but it is something I've been wondering about. I never told anyone at the time but I have since mentioned it to my family, but find it difficult to talk to them about it cos I don't want to worry them. I'm sorry you were bullied too, I hope you're happier now.

Hi Diane, I'm sorry to hear people take advantage. It seems so unfair doesn't it when all we're trying to do is avoid conflict. But I'll try and think of it in that way- that it's something to learn from and that will eventually make me stronger.

Thanks Stephen, I might try some hypnotheraphy cds- and it's true what you say that people are probably busy with their own concerns. I'll have to remember that to try and feel more comfortable. Thanks for all your advice.

[moonlighta]

Hey can identify, Where are you from? SO who are you?