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Thread: How do I get my true sexuality back?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
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    99

    How do I get my true sexuality back?

    I’m in a weird situation. I’m female and before HOCD I pretty much felt gay. I wasn’t always the happiest about it and did have the usual internalized homophobia. I avoided locker rooms because I didn’t want to look too interested in anyone. When I was twelve years old and noticed girls being interested in guys I tried to force myself to be interested in guys as well. That’s kind of when OCD about sexual orientation started. I did have crushes on girls and found some girls hot before that, but I blamed it on being too and young and undeveloped.

    At fourteen I developed a crush on a girl. At that point it was kind of cool to be gay, so I accepted the possibility. When I tried to come out no one believed me and that’s when my HOCD symptoms came out to play. At first I worried I was going through a phase and I’d start to like guys. When I got older I worried about being bisexual because of groinal responses and being asexual because HOCD really kills attraction.

    Since I’ve had HOCD for so long I really don’t feel in touch with my sexuality. Like I want to be with a girl, I just hardly feel attraction to them. I’ve felt attraction to girls before of course, but it’s just so rare for me. I also feel like I get attracted to guys sometimes, but I really don’t want to be with them. People keep pressuring me to give guys a chance. I also keep attracting creepy guys who won’t leave me alone. One even cyberstalked me and found out about my HOCD. He constantly harasses me and makes terrible comments about my sexuality. He basically triggers my HOCD on purpose and threatens to visit me in real life and try to **** me.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    2,026

    Re: How do I get my true sexuality back?

    Report him to the police. Stalking is illegal.
    __________________
    All manner of thing shall be well... (Julian of Norwich)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Posts
    99

    Re: How do I get my true sexuality back?

    Quote Originally Posted by Speranza View Post
    Report him to the police. Stalking is illegal.
    I can’t. There’s no laws against cyberstalking. But if I ever see him in real life I’ll report him. I think he has BPD or something.

  4. #4

    Re: How do I get my true sexuality back?

    You should report that he threatens You.
    Anyway, I think this is HOCD. If You dont want to be with guys, then there is no chance that the thoughts might be true.
    I went through Hocd but I feared bisexuality,no offense and no homophobia. It Just attacked somehow.
    So, my key advice is that try not to ruminate or get scared or check when the thoughts come. Endure the pain and doubt and it will get weaker and weaker until it slowly dissolves. Feel free to write to me, I'll gladly help.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Posts
    99

    Re: How do I get my true sexuality back?

    What can I do to get my sexuality back? I just want to forget about stupid stalker guys.

  6. #6

    Re: How do I get my true sexuality back?

    You will need patience.
    First of all I would recommend writing down the compulsions you do.Then all the things that trigger your anxiety and the thoughts as well. Mark them on a scale from most disturbing to least disturbing.
    The You will have to start with the least disturbing, just expose youself to the thoughts and do nothing. Don't try to prove they are not true.Just sit with it, if you are strong enough even repeat and seem to agree with them sarcastically.It will terrible but worth.This is the way I got through it. Plus writing journal then re-read it, this should also help.
    The fact that you do not want to be with guys is enough.If you don't want it then You won't, no matter what the thoughts say. I know how is it, but you need to know that you can do it!
    You seek reassurance, this is also a compulsion. Plus the internalized homophobia you mentioned maybe Your ocd feeds on that, telling you that this feeling with the guys is the same? I just guess. Maybe this could be the reason or just symply that you had that internalized homophobia plus people didn't really believe you when you came out. Maybe thia fed that little doubt that you already had when your preference awareness awoken.
    But as I see it, it's hocd, nothing more. If you don't find this answer enough or have questions feel free to write, I may sometimes forget to check the post I've answered to. ^^"

  7. #7

    Re: How do I get my true sexuality back?

    Maybe a part of it is that your sex drive is low full stop?
    I find being anxious all day leaves me exhausted and definitely not in the mood for anything. When I’m super busy at work, this can last for weeks on end.
    Maybe if put some work into lowering your anxiety levels overall with things like exercise, healthy eating sleeping and trying things like Mindspace, you’ll get some drive back and it’ll be clearer who it’s directed at! If that becomes clearer, you might be able to pull yourself out of worrying that you’re not sure anymore.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Posts
    99

    Re: How do I get my true sexuality back?

    I’m noticing my sex drive is returning a bit as my anxiety about health and HOCD is diminishing. Still out of touch with my sexuality, but I think that’s normal for being queer and inexperienced.

  9. #9

    Re: How do I get my true sexuality back?

    Its fine, just give yourself time okay? And don'T get scared if the thoughts come back sometimes.

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