I apologize if this is too long. I'm in a bad spot right now and need to get this out of my head.
Everything feels so hopeless, I'm tired of fighting my own mind, my own thoughts. Time is going by too fast, suddenly living to even 100 doesn't sound far away. I don't want to watch my loved ones lie in pain while they slip away like I did with my father. I don't want to end up like that either. I'm terrified at the idea of death and the permanent loss of conciousness. I'm equally afraid at the idea of eternity, which makes no sense to me. Life and everything that comes with it is too mind boggling to think about, but that's all I do.
I'm mentally and emotionally broken, and I'm afraid I can't be fixed. And the shortness of it all makes me feel like it doesn't matter anyways. I'm twenty six and I feel like I should feel young, but I feel so old. This fear is all consuming and all I can do is sit here and cry like a scared child. I can understand why people would want to take their own lives to escape this torment yet I am too afraid to die. All my days run together, and even days and weeks that seem to drag by feel like they went by fast after the fact. All I can think about is the end and how fast it seems to be drawing near. So many tragic things happen everyday in this world to people and I feel like I should appreciate and be thankful that it doesn't to me or my loved ones, and I feel guilty that I'm too consumed in my own fears to appreciate it fully. I know there are other people with these same fears and I wish I could take it away for myself and them as well.
I take my medicine like I'm supposed to and try and fight the bad thoughts, but they still get the best of me. I wish for childhood ignorance from when I was little. I sit alone in my house or wherever I'm at breaking down the passing of time and trying to figure out of it felt like it went by fast or not, like it matters how it feels. Trying to calm myself by saying I have a whole other lifetime until I'm even 52, but that just makes my life until now feel like nothing. I can't enjoy my day to day life when my mind is consumed with the end. I try to hide it from my loved ones to not cause them distress but I know they know. I want an answer that I know doesn't exist. I hear older people saying how, "You blink and you are old.", while they are smiling and it just terrifies me. I'm so tired of fighting.
Reply With Quote
