Bout of depression or my permanent state? I'm not even sure anymore.

[Mazzii342]

For longer than I can remember, I've felt down about my anxiety, and life in general. I just don't understand, because I thought depression was one of those things that you can have forever, but that you get 'bouts' of it and therefore aren't always depressed.

My anxiety and fear of going to work and/or university is getting me down. I lie in bed thinking about everything- imagining up stories about what bad thing will happen at work, what embarrassing thing I will do. If I'm not required to be anywhere or do anything, I'll lie in bed for days, not showering or making any effort to look presentable. My sleep is messed up. I can literally be awake for two nights in a row, then sleep for days. Insomnia is the worst. Would the doc prescribe me something for that? I'm too scared to ask. I suffered with these problems for years before I went to the doctor, and was put on citalopram. Not that I see any change in my mood or anxiety levels.

Then sometimes, to be calm and alleviated, I misuse prescription drugs. I bought codeine online for a cough that had been a result of a bacterial throat infection. It says not to exceed 8 tablets per day, which I don't... except I take loads at once, rather than every four hours as per the instructions. The other day I took 5 30mg tablets and I felt amazing. I was calm, relaxed, sedated. Today I took pregebalin 200mg, 4 30mg codeine tablets, and about 4 or 5 benadryl tablets, which are known to help sedate you... I took it to help me sleep. I had a nice feeling and then fell asleep for a while. It was nice too. I'm scared because abusing drugs is not what I wan't.

100% not addicted, because I hardly take them a lot, mainly because they're hard to get a hold of, particularly codeine on its own at that high of a dose. But even so, I shouldn't misuse them and I never used to, I just don't seem to care about the risks anymore. Last time I mixed prescription and OTC drugs I blacked out twice and had to stay awake just so I didn't pass out and never wake up. Although sometimes I wish that would happen. It's so difficult missing out on Uni and work because of my anxiety. I feel like I have no future, not sure how to feel any different. Will this last forever? It's been years and I feel no different.

Thanks for reading my rambling. I know I'm not alone in this but I sure feel like it.

[azmattaz06]

Must speak with your dr, believe me I went through months feeling depression not wanting to answer my phone for friends calls, not caring how I looked.. but when you find out the right meds and therapy you can and will feel whole again, back to yourself.. believe me I've been so low and thought there was no possible way of ever returning to normal and I did.. you will too my friend.. don't let you mind beat you up because it can. Prayers sent your way

[Mazzii342]

Must speak with your dr, believe me I went through months feeling depression not wanting to answer my phone for friends calls, not caring how I looked.. but when you find out the right meds and therapy you can and will feel whole again, back to yourself.. believe me I've been so low and thought there was no possible way of ever returning to normal and I did.. you will too my friend.. don't let you mind beat you up because it can. Prayers sent your way

Thankyou for your reply, you're right I won't let it beat me. Haha you described how I feel. I'm isolating myself and I know it but I can't help it. I'm dirty and unhygienic on some days cause I just can't leave my bed. Maybe I should go to a GP so they can up my medication and sign me up to some kind of therapy.

Thankyou

[MOchp]

I wish you the best going forward, and I can relate to what you said. It really can feel hopeless at times. Even when I'm feeling better I find myself worrying about when I won't feel good which can in turn bring my mood down. It's a vicious, annoying cycle.

[Mazzii342]

I wish you the best going forward, and I can relate to what you said. It really can feel hopeless at times. Even when I'm feeling better I find myself worrying about when I won't feel good which can in turn bring my mood down. It's a vicious, annoying cycle.

Thankyou very much, yeah it's a vicious circle isn't it, never seems to stop, things never seem to change!

Also, took a look at your blog and I really like it keep it up nice to have a bit of a rant or talk to get things off your chest. I have one too but haven't posted in a while

standingonmyfeet.blogspot.com

Thanks

[MOchp]

Thankyou very much, yeah it's a vicious circle isn't it, never seems to stop, things never seem to change!

Also, took a look at your blog and I really like it keep it up nice to have a bit of a rant or talk to get things off your chest. I have one too but haven't posted in a while

standingonmyfeet.blogspot.com

Thanks

Thanks, I appreciate it, I'll check your out.

[Reggie]

I know how you feel and it's the pits. I'd go back and talk to your doctor. One thing I will say about codine is that, if you take it for a while, it can make you feel anxious/jittery when you don't take it, well that's how it makes me feel anyway. Hope you feel better soon.