I just dont know if you can ever get over it and be your 'normal' self again.

I used to be a really strong, confident person, I had my son at 19 and was a great mum, got married and decided to try for another baby, it took a while to get pregnant and we both wanted it so much, I got pregnant and had a horrible pregnancy, felt constantly depressed was in a lot of pain etc, had my daughter and when she was 2 weeks old I cried and didn't stop for the next few years on and off. I went backwards and forwards to the Drs with all sorts of things wrong with me and no one picked up that I had anxiety or depression, when my daughter was 11 months old I had had enough, I had screamed at my husband that I just wanted to die, that my children deserved better than me and at that point I knew I had to talk to someone, I went to see a Dr and everything came flooding out, The Dr was great and put me on antid's, talked to me etc etc after 6 months I felt great, came off the antids and lived a pretty 'normal' life with a few ups and downs.

Then all of a sudden my grandad gets diagnosed with Lung cancer and my husbands nan gets diagnosed with lung cancer too, they both ended up in the same hospice and died with in 3 months of each other, I don't know if this is what caused my anxiety/depression to come back but I got knocked off my feet big time, I managed to cope for a few months until things got to bad that I couldn't even come out of my bedroom without freaking out, this was about 6 months ago, a Dr came out to me and put me back on antids, my periods play a big part in my anxiety/depression and when I am due on I get really bad, so I have been put on the contraceptive pill and the antids but I don't feel as though I am getting anywhere.

I feel as though I am constantly fighting, its is so bad that I want to feel 'normal' again, like me and be the mum that I always wanted to be, I want to be the best mum I can, the best wife I can but while I am not in control of myself and my moods how do I carry on fighting.

I am back to the Dr on thursday, a Dr I have never heard of but the only Dr available so I will have to go over everything again, all I want is to feel better, not to have to force myself to do everything, not to want to rush off to bed because I can sleep there and get away from reality.

I want to beat this I really do and I will eventually I just don't know how, I have taken myself off the contraceptive pill as I have bled constantly for 2½ months and its not helping, all I want to know is, Can you really ever beat this? Will I ever be 'normal' again?

Sorry I didn't want to give my life story, so have tried to keep this as short as I can, I have lots of other issues to deal with and am on the waiting list to have CBT which I am hoping will help.

Thanks if anyone has managed to read this.

Carrie