de-realisation, please help me

[Carys]

I think it's a great thing you are signed off.....theres a BIG silver lining to this.....you can read, relax, do what you like, watch daytime rubbish if you like and look after yourself. Not often we get the chance to do that ey !

You know besides all the rest of the malarkey you are experiencing , Ga and anxiety and surgery and so on...you HAVE got a chest infection. You deserve some time off.

[ChocolateButton]

I'm not having a good morning.

Woke up to find my arm is feeling even more bruised than yesterday and it's scaring me even though the GP yesterday explained why it was so sore. Or I think she did, maybe I imagined her saying it, I can never remember. I hate trying to take in information alone cos I either misinterpret or forget stuff.


I keep thinking one corner of the bedroom looks different when it's in my peripheral vision, even though when I look at it, it isn't. Not like a hallucination, just like... I don't recognise it or something. Same when I look in a mirror, not sure it's really me somehow.

Not sure if I should be posting any of this but I need to get things off my chest somehow.

[Carys]

Not like a hallucination, just like... I don't recognise it or something. Same when I look in a mirror, not sure it's really me somehow.

I recognise your words, and what you are trying to describe. It is STANDARD depersonalisation and derealisation. 'Like I don't recognise it', 'not sure its me', these are words and phrases I have used myself and see others use often with this mental health problem. Don't be scared of it, there is nothing wrong with your brain/mind/head and you aren't going doolally (for want of a better phrase), they are just feelings brought about from extreme anxiety. You may feel your hands don't belong to you, that you aren't exisiting in the real world, that objects and situations are 'different' and as if you don't recognise them... and all manner of things. I think if you read up about the condition you will feel a bit more secure in understanding why it happens.

Here's a good article...you could print and keep it around the house with you today to remind you

http://www.itsjustafeeling.co.uk/depersonalisation

[ChocolateButton]

Wow, I've just read the link you posted... read it twice to make sure I took it all in... so it's a comfort blanket. That, makes sense somehow.

So what I'm doing... focusing on it... is probably the worst thing I can do I know I need to stop worrying about it, I know that.

That has helped a lot, Carys, thank you.

Ever since I've come home from hospital I've been so focused on how odd my body feels (in many ways), but if I'm understanding this correctly, it's all part of the de-realisation. I need to just 'go with the flow' I guess, let this all ride itself out?

It's like I'm just realising this for the first time, but - I think it's ok to feel like this?

[Carys]

Yes to everything.

Focusing on it is the worst thing you can do, yes, it makes you more scared....it makes it worse. It's a NORMAL response to anxiety, and as it says even people without anxiety states experience it at times of stress/crisis/trauma. Like panic attacks, 'ride them out' and accept that they are there and they will be self-limiting.

YOu can even verbally OUT LOUD say to yourself; 'So, things feel odd, that's to be expected, I'll get on with cleaning out the fridge'. 'My face doesn't look like my own, oh well, I know it is my own....and this is my mind trying to protect me from the stress I'm feeling.' Basically, in response to the horrible de-personalisation feelings, counteract it with your own reassurance.

The worst time I ever had this was in my 20s, and since then if it is rears its head it passes really quickly (within hours) as I know its nothing to worry about. Its fear of it that makes it last.

Keep the link, print, highlight, underline....whatever. I'm a believer in having a written reminder around the house that you can access quickly when the fear strikes. When the fears come its easy to forget everything you've read, and get caught up in the moment. So, having it there to pick up and read can be helpful. Distract yourself today too. I know you can't do too much as have been ill, but set yourself some small achievable tasks. The trick is to try and get your brain focusing EXTERNALLY, and that might not be easy for the next few days, but keep practicing and doing things and eventually you will move from internal thinking to external thinking.

In the olde Clair Weekes books she called this 'unreality' and 'personality disintegration' LOL Kind of glad the last phrase has gone out of use, as it sounds like you crumble and disappear. You don't, you are just hidden behind a veil of your anxiety.

[ChocolateButton]

When I was in hospital my world consisted of my hospital bed, the little table beside it with my book and water etc on, and the bathroom at the other side of the small ward.

Since I've been home, my world has thus far consisted of the living room, bedroom and bathroom. But just now the dog needed out, so my little world has now expanded to the kitchen and back door.

It's almost like memories I have of when I was little, where I couldn't *see* further than immediately around me. Like... I wasn't *aware* of the bigger picture. That's sort of what it feels like now. Sort of. Does that make sense?

I think I like the term "personality disintegration" actually I'm gonna have to find some of those books I think, when I feel up to it.

[Carys]

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Self-Help-Y...SIN=0722531559

Easily done, order on Amazon.

Dated in terminology, but not in content (if you find you are ok with feeling like you are reading it in the 1960s lol)

[ChocolateButton]

My favourite films are from the 1950s/60s and in a lot of ways I prefer stuff from back then to stuff now. So feeling like I'm reading it in the 1960s will suit me down to the ground

Thanks for the link - I'm reading the 'look inside' pages

[ChocolateButton]

Well just a quick update in case this helps any other people going through de-realisation. I've been resting as much as I can these past few days and slowly but surely beginning to 'come out of myself' if that makes sense, or maybe 'come back into myself' would be a better turn of phrase in other words, I'm beginning to feel somewhat normal again. Not completely, but somewhat. Which is promising.

Today hubby took me out for a drive, I found walking out of the front door extremely terrifying, the world looked so big! (Other than leaving the hospital (and I have no memories of getting home that day) I hadn't been outside at all until this morning.

I was nervous at first, but it was a lovely sunny day and nice scenery and soon relaxed into the drive and enjoyed myself. Felt like a big step. Even managed (with the help of my rollator for my wobbly legs) to have a small trip around the supermarket with hubby. I was walking incredibly slowly and exhausted afterwards, but glad I did it.

Oh and the chest infection finally seems to be getting kicked by the antibiotics. I wasn't sure cos yesterday I was clammy and feverish and coughing up all sorts of stuff and I felt terrible but today I woke up to find my breathing was easier and I didn't feel like I had a temperature. So fingers and toes crossed that the chest infection is on the wane as well as the de-realisation.

Sorry for the long and rambling post but I guess I just wanted to let people know - if they are suffering from de-realisation too - that it does get better. And thanks again for the kind words here, it really means a lot.

[Carys]

Wow, that is excellent progress, really really good ! I'm very pleased for you to be already moving onwards physically and mentally. That is down to YOU and how you've bravely and sensibly you have approached these rather unpleasant symptoms of anxiety and ill-health combined.