Brave New World: Recovery Diary

[NoPoet]

I've just returned from a week in the Lake District. My arthritis was nowhere near as much a problem as I expected (although it was very bad for a couple of hours most mornings); we didn't do much walking, we visited lots of sites including a number of locations visited by the late, great Fred Dibnah. I met Fred's son. I was hoping to get photos of me and him together as my brother is a massive Fred Dibnah fan. Unfortunately the son was nothing like the father and he didn't even want to discuss Fred at all. My brother has schizophrenia and it would have been a nice surprise for him if this had worked out.

We also got the unbelievable opportunity to chat with the owner of Muncaster Castle, an eccentric old chap who I liked a great deal. His blunt, straightforward manner appealed to my aspie side. Most people fudge the truth or hold back. It's good to see some people still wear their hearts on their sleeves.

My relationship is "sort of" endangered. I have made huge strides against my anxiety and depression (some of the problems I have overcome were serious). Unfortunately, this has left a "vacuum" and my nervous energy has found a target in my girlfriend. I've become paranoid that I am depressing her and that she wants to split up. She has said this isn't the case. We are both grappling with problems and our relationship lost its spark, its sense of fun.

I don't really know how to "chill out" in life. I am constantly wound up and edgy. Even the increased strattera dose isn't helping much. However, we are now heading towards winter and that is definitely impacting me; I am also wary of my insane plan to visit America. The anxiety/depression sometimes seem as strong as they used to be. I don't think it's a relapse as such. I think I'm pushing myself outside my safety zone and the illness is pushing back.

Everything is still on, everything is good. But I am having so many new experiences, I am battling against so many issues, that it's overcoming my medication and my self-help. This is not an admission of defeat. Quite the opposite. I need to cope better with change and become more confident/positive about myself. I need to go to bed earlier, get more exercise and start eating better. These are things I can train myself to do. There are still nine weeks before I fly out to Georgia. It should be time to at least make a dent in the core of my anxiety.

There are nine weeks left before I fly to America. The insanity of this is starting to sink in. Two weeks is by far the longest I will have spent away from home. I am cut off completely should anything go wrong. Whatever happens, it will certainly be an adventure.

[NoPoet]

Vanquishing certain threats, and starting to move away from hate and anger, has unexpectedly created a blip. I'm now free to do and think what I want. That freedom is terrifying. I am looking ahead for the first time with optimism.

But I am still having blips and intrusive thoughts, when I am finally starting to build something for myself. I forgot how bad blips were. It's so annoying to be dragged back forcibly into the past when I am trying to move forward.

It goes to show that any change, even for the better, can cause problems for a person with anxiety, let alone someone with autism. My anxiety feels unfocused, like it used to do in the bad old days, and this makes it more threatening somehow. I feel exhausted within (probably due to my holiday).

I am frightened that I am becoming depressed but the truth is, what I'm experiencing now is probably a reaction to what I've been through over the last few months. This is the aftermath. If this really is just another blip, and I can overcome it, then it will be a very potent sign that I can eventually recover.

[NoPoet]

Well, that was unpleasant. I was definitely risking relapse. Things have drastically improved in the last week or two,

* I am not currently taking my strattera. I am one hundred per cent certain that the near-relapse was caused by trying to increase the dose. I just cannot tolerate anything about 25mg and to be honest I think I've been struggling on 25mg anyway.

* I have actually coped well without strattera, which is unexpected. I felt like I was recovering from the near-relapse within 2-3 days of stopping it. My ADHD became much stronger of course, but I have striven to master it. While my control is far from perfect, the improvements I've made in the last year are real and appear to be permanent.

* I am still "sort of" in my relationship. We've slowed things down and started again. It seems to be helping us both. I am managing to maintain my friendships without any of the old difficulties creeping in.

* I seem to be moving on from my past. The people I used to cling to (and be afraid of) are no longer relevant and I don't think of them as much. It's scary to realise that it is now almost a year to the day that I met my lunatic ex. My whole world has changed since then. Mostly for the better.

So I held my nerve, moved on from the past and avoided the dreaded relapse. In the words of Captain Sisko, "This is a huge victory for the good guys".

[NoPoet]

I have managed to avoid falling into relapse for a second time. The changing weather, my (now ended) relationship and various other factors have exhausted me physically and mentally.

My relationship proved to be extremely damaging to my state of mind. I "woke up" and realised I was dating an angry, jealous woman who I could simply never do enough for. Even my autism counsellor advised me that I could not possibly have done anything more than I did - I gave it my best shot and nearly ended up running myself back into the arms of my former illness. So now she's gone, she's not coming back and I am very gradually starting to get back some energy, some positivity.

My woman troubles are now over. I harbour no more fear, mistrust or anger towards women. I know what mistakes I make in relationships, I can see where I need to improve, and from now on I will leave as soon as someone gives me the familiar warning signs - I simply cannot cope with another destructive or abusive relationship. I will protect myself by avoiding people who have clearly got problems, I will take a far greater time getting to know someone before getting into anything with them. My specialists, family and friends have all begged me to avoid relationships for at least six more months. I no longer feel the need to have a relationship at all and would prefer to be friends with people. It's less complicated and friends stick around longer.

I have made a tremendous effort to upskill myself so that I am better at engaging with people, I will some day be able to cope with a relationship, I am paying off my creditors (I now owe five grand less than I did two months ago). My fitness was improving but unfortunately the arthritis is so severe that I simply cannot be as physically active as I used to be -- working on my physical health is going to be a long, gradual process.

It's been a tough and exhausting time, but the thin red line remains unbroken.