I think there must be something so fundamentally messed up about me, that I end up experiencing more of the same dark stuff.
The men I've been attracting to me recently have all been through a lot, and not very happy people. This last one has really jolted me into seeing it. We haven't formally ended it but I can't go on like this.
- M - suicidal and revealed he's addicted to prostitutes this week.
- A - ex cheated on him, dumped him, then revealed she was pregnant from the other guy. A has been in the marines and seen some awful stuff
- B - routinely cheated on ex, revealed to me on first date (there was no second)
- another A - was not in a very dark place. Had been a carer for his disabled mum. Lovely guy, and he left me because he moved out of town
- G - smokes weed constantly, lives with his parents aged 30, deep issues with father & masculinity. I ended it with him
Some of these men used me as a person to vent to about dark things very early on... and this felt normal for me, because this is what I grew up with (this is the root of my depression and anxiety - my mum using me as a counsellor for her dark past). I don't know how to smell out a person who's going to be bad for me. Actually maybe I do, but when it involves potential romance and sex, I become blind to it, maybe - I can see it in potential friends and colleagues - I can see if we're going to clash.
It reflects so badly on me that I've attracted these people. They have been alright looking and sometimes accomplished. I'm further on in my mental health journey than they all were. I want to be with someone that helps me grow, rather than needs me to help them heal. I don't want to need someone else to heal me - I want to be with someone that knows how to own their own stuff and knows how to let me own my own stuff, and we could challenge each other to grow more. Where do I find these people that have been through lots of therapy and who are out the other side?
Maybe I'm not in a place where I would be good for someone who is mentally healthy. Is there such thing as a truly healthy relationship? So many people are tolerant of dysfunctional relationships. I don't think I can tolerate the level of unhealthy relationship that I seem to keep starting these days.
I feel unusually lonely. I'm reeling from the prostitute addiction revelation. It makes me feel sick. That's another post though!
Maybe there are some people in the world who could be ok with being in a relationship with someone that needs lots of support. I am not one of those people because it specifically triggers my own depression and anxiety. I also think it's different when you're in a close loving relationship for a long time... these guys have all been short term things that have been more bad than good - more pain than pleasure.
This has been a bad run of unhealthy romance and I need to make sure I end this, and move on to healthier ways of being. Any advice out there?