Don't see a way out anymore

[Quokka]

Hey everyone,

I have been struggling with hypochondria/panic disorder for a long time, even when I was a child. I did CBT four years ago, it was better after that but after a while it got worse again. I've been back in therapy for 7 months now but things have not gotten better at all, only worse.
My GP put me on antidepressants last month but I got a lot of side effects so he told me to stop taking them and called a psychiatrist.
She (the psychiatrist) prescribed alprazolam and lorazepam but also wants me to start taking other antidepressants again (under her supervision this time so I'm sure it would go better this time).

Anyway, I am so, so sick of the constant physical complaints and the constant (!) fear of dying.
One week I will be terrified I have a heart disease, the next week/days I'm convinced I have cancer. I do use CBT to rationalise one fear, but then it will immediately move on to a new one. It is an endless circle and it has been going on for so long. The hypochondria is the worst, I don't think I will ever really get over it because the chance of getting terminally ill is of course always there (saw my mum slowly die from cancer when she was only 49).

Even with the benzo's I will have at least one panic attack a day, I don't want to go outside but I am also scared to be alone. Therapy does help but it is only one hour a week. Lately I am starting to think more and more that there is no point in living (for me) because this is no way of living. The hypochondria and panic is so bad that I feel like I am just not 'made' for living or whatever.
I feel like I might as well end life myself (I wouldn't actually do it because it would hurt my dad a lot) because then I will finally have some peace. This really scares me because I've never had these thoughts before, but I am so sick of always feeling physically ill and panicky. I also feel guilty for not being able to enjoy life.
I am 26 years old and on forums like this I keep reading posts from people that have been battling anxiety for years and years and it keeps coming back. I just don't think I can do that and I don't see a way out of this situation anymore.

I am sorry for this rant, but does anyone have any wise words about this?
Thanks in advance.

[Carys]

I'm so so sorry you are struggling really badly. I had a time as bad as you are now when I was a similar age. I will say this, and I know its going to sound like I'm just doing a 'when you get older' speech ....but I think age does make a difference. I am nearly double your age, and yes I do have periods of feeling crummy, and some anxiety comes and goes (it is part of me), but I've also had many many years with none at all, and some with little momentary blips only.
You DO somehow get bored of it/used to it and gradually develop more and more strategies to cope and get out of the mental holes that come along. Any treatment you have will help you along that journey, but I honestly think if you believe you can come out of the other side of this, then that is half the battle.
Unless someone has felt as you do, its hard to imagine how low it can make you feel, BUT everything passes....it really does.....and for some people it takes a bit longer than others....but it will pass. I feel that anything in life teaches you and develops you in ways that are beneficial, even awful suffering as you are now. My periods of mental health problems made me a more empathetic person, in many ways made me stronger and made me appreciate the small good things in life. Actually, it changed me in lots of ways, and were part of my reasons for taking certain working roles and how I was as a parent and ...well lots of things.

Just HANG on in there, don't lose hope, you are valuable and loved I'm sure by those around you.

---------- Post added at 14:51 ---------- Previous post was at 14:46 ----------

Oh and one more think ...

The title of your thread 'Don't see a way out anymore...'


There IS a way out, the fact that you can't see it right now doesn't mean that it doesn't exist! Does that make sense? You don't know the answer at the moment, you don't know what small changes/therapy/life experience is going to make the difference, so you feel hopeless, BUT you need to trust and believe that there IS something that will help you get out of this. None of us know, at any time, what is around the corner. Make sure that your mental health service providers are aware of how low you are feeling, they really do need to know.

[Quokka]

Thank you Carys.
I have been hoping that it will get better with age, but the thing is that I see so many posts from people who are a lot older than I am and still seem to be struggling/fighting every day. That is one of the reasons why I recently have started losing hope a bit.

Your reply is very optimistic though, I really hope you are right and it will pass. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, it does help to read some positive words

[Carys]

Yes, but, people may be older and struggling - but this is a self-selecting group of people who are currently having some problems you are reading about. It doesn't mean they have always had problems, every day or even every year - it just happens you see them post when they are having a bad time. It certainly doesn't mean that their whole life has been day after day of endless anxiety, I assure you.

[Kopesy]

Hey Quokka

I completely sympathise with you. Like you I'm also struggling with seeing a way out of this. If it's not one thing, it's something else.

I too watched a parent slowly die. My dad was just 42 when he passed away from glioblastoma brain cancer. I was 19 at the time and helped my mum to take care of him when he got worse so he could stay at home with us. I actually had slight HA in my teens about brain cancer, so the fact that it became a reality for my poor dad made me feel guilty and even more scared of it.

'I am so sick of always feeling physically ill and panicky. I also feel guilty for not being able to enjoy life.' This is so true. I'm 28 and I've not been able to crack on with life. It's either one thing or another. The guilt of not enjoying myself is almost as bad as my fears. I'm living with my long-term girlfriend, and I just feel I'm not only holding her back, ruining her life. The thought of suicide often keeps me company, but I find the idea troubling, because the reason I feel so down is mostly due to the fact I want to live!

I hope you see that that might be true in your case too.

I've heard many people that haven't gotten past their HA and spend a lifetime struggling with it, but if you think about it, you'll only ever hear of people who have the problems, because the people who have had success when dealing with it don't bother to post anymore because they're getting on with their lives. So the percentage of those who have overcome it is most probably much more in favour of success. Like Carys says, it made her more empathetic and thus she's one of the few still here trying to help us get by, and she's living proof that there is 'a way out'

[Ethansmom]

I wanted to jump into this conversation. I too feel there's no way out, but we must believe there is. I too am prescribed a benzo since all of the antidepressants i have tried have given me side effects. There are still many more i can try so i cannot give up. Have you tried talking to your doctor about trying something else while you take your benzo. This is very standard and typical. The problem with me is, i feel a side effect, freak out, and then give up. It's the medication merry go round. I wish there was something i could still with. Can i ask what antidepressent you have tried? Feel free to PM me anytime. I feel exactly as you do.