i went almost the full 2017 year with ''vary lower groin'' problems, i been to the hospital twice from vary bad pain in the "unspoken" area. constantly fighting for appointments that where always a month away, and a month for results. before that mom was just thinking im nuts and wouldnt take me to the doc for about the first 6-7 months of on and off pain. it ripped me apart mentally and i never been the same sense. the hole damn thing was anxiety and mom was right. anxiety gave me a 8-10 pain level and affected everything i did. it almost made me unable to do my job i swore i was dieing a few times, it would hurt, i became pall, felt vary ill, cold, shaking everywhere, felt sick, and weak.i was really lost and searched online an happened to find others who had the same thing as me and the pain basically went away that night. i never felt more stupid, and more hate to myself ever before.

i started new meds shortly after and they helped a a lot, but ever sense then i been feeling strange now and then, not shore what it is, but its been happening a lot more in the last few months...

i must have driven my last boss nuts i guess because he verbally abused me and and then fired me. lost to jobs now that are partly because of anxiety, know one will hire me back, im screwed, i have given up... the world rejected me... just like in school.

self confidence is a cruel joke to me after this job loss, i gained so much on both of my jobs, it felt good, doing my vary best and was proud. and then both jobs ended with, you stink, its all a lie, your no good.
my boss was recently fired so he was also just en ass, but i still take its words in vary strongly, because i have already had many cruel things said to me, im taking it as majority rules, what they say must be true, but i really dont want to believe it, but i think i should.

so many problems to talk about, and the nearest therapy place is three hours away. again... im screwed. cant afford or trust online doctors, could be scammers or something.
im rather hopeless... a few times in my darkest points i did want to "leave" but i couldn't, not for myself, but because my family, i couldn't do that to them, and.. i was to afraid to pull any stupid stunt off anyway.
so idk... collect disability, slowly loose my mind, already got a start on that, i keep feeling stupider, grow old alone and die..maybe sooner then later...

---------- Post added at 23:40 ---------- Previous post was at 23:39 ----------

dont blame anyone for not reading all this..

---------- Post added at 23:41 ---------- Previous post was at 23:40 ----------

or any of it...