I don't know if I'm depressed or not; I just feel like there's no hope?

[MyNameIsTerry]

These doctor's see all sorts of these, Poppy, they shouldn't be judgemental. You get some like that but I like to the think the majority are open-minded and look towards the real facts which in your case show someone highly sensitive over an issue they have tried to help themselves with and who hasn't bought it upon themselves.

Maybe there is a tie in with the thyroid issue so see what comes from that.

Oosh is right too, loads of people go through it. Some people suffer it badly and most of us have it in a milder way but are still self conscious about it. Women especially, and definately when younger.

I like what you have said about just wanting to be independent and confident. That counts for much more than the vanity the world seems possessed by. It would be great to be perfect but we all have our flaws and for some people it doesn't matter how close they get to perfect, they never achieve what they are searching for. So, whilst some help with the skin issue is something you want, it's good to see that you are still seeing the more important things that come from within. These will still be there no matter how our looks fade with age and ultimately I think people prefer someone who is good on the inside than a plastic barbie off the production line of the make up counter! A lot of us guys go for intelligence and the more important things inside a person, not the looks alone...thats for the celebs and reality show idiots, in real life people like people for who they are and how they are, not what they look like.

You've got lots of great qualities and things going for you, you are just a bit adrift at the moment on where to take your life. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted to be and still don't. That doesn't mean I haven't achieved things and don't have dreams or passions. I've worked with thousands of people over the years and I really doubt most of them had a vision of what they wanted to be other than happy. You have plenty of time in your life and if you choose a path that doesn't feel right in a few years, you have the time to change it. Sometimes people need to find themselves and until they've worked in a few areas, they aren't sure what is really important to them. So, don;t worry too much about this because you have so much time ahead of you to work it out.

[.Poppy.]

Well, I saw the derm today. She was actually really nice and I enjoyed talking to her. She had high hopes that accutane would work so I decided to bite the bullet and go on it (I start in about a month).

I'm nervous because it seems like a "last resort" and I fear it won't work and then I really will be hopeless. But she had high hopes. I had a friend who went on it and did really well, so maybe. I also have to wait longer to start scar treatment, but hopefully in the long run it will pay off. One step at a time.

My challenge now is to find a way to love myself no matter what, have more confidence in myself, and have more faith in life in general. MUCH easier said than done, but I'm trying.

---------- Post added at 18:05 ---------- Previous post was at 15:03 ----------

I guess I should mention too that there are times I think that maybe things aren't so bad; it could be worse, I could be fatally ill or something.

It's just when I read about acne on the internet, a lot of emphasis is put in potential scarring...and it just makes me feel like people DO view it worse than I do; the way its worded, it could say "acne can lead to malignant cancer" and I'd react the same way. That, and the rush by docs and my parents to "get it all taken care of" make me feel like I'm not good enough the way I am, that I have to get it done ASAP or I'm unworthy.

I know they're just trying to help me, but it feels like extra pressure when I'm already putting SO MUCH on myself to "get better"

[swgrl09]

I think websites post the worst possible scenario a lot. Scarring is different on everybody as well and I am sure there are things you can do once it is under control to help with that. I am willing to bet that your parents and doctor are trying to get it taken care of for your own peace of mind, as they know you are so distressed about it. Maybe you can sit down with them and let them know that this is how you are feeling and ask them to back off a little bit. Again I am sure it is just because they know you are so upset about it, but wouldn't hurt to have a chat with them about how it affects you.

I am happy that you are setting an intention to love yourself. I think that will honestly go a long way towards feeling better for you.

[.Poppy.]

Thing is, they don't really know that I'm distressed about it. They are the ones who dragged me to the derm in high school (it didn't bother me all that much then, though it was pretty bad). Since I went last, I have been trying OTC things, but I buy those myself and they don't know that. In fact, I'm not really honest with them about most of my problems because I feel as though they won't be terribly understanding.

There is some hope for the scarring; in fact, I think I can get it to the level where I'm comfortable with myself, which is all I'm dreaming of anyway. I won't have porcelain skin, but that's okay. I just need to get rid of the active stuff first.

I can actually hear them downstairs now talking about the accutane prescription; my dad wants me to go on antibiotics/creams so that I can have the scarring stuff done sooner (I have to wait awhile after finishing accutane) but I've done those things in the past and it hasn't helped. He also wants my thyroid checked, which would be good, but I don't know if my symptoms are really thyroid related or if it's just because I feel so low.

I know I come across as a bit high-maintenance here, and I really am grateful for your continued support I just want so badly to get out of this nasty, muggy mess that I feel like I'm in but it's just so hard. Especially since so many of my problems feel like they are entirely out of my control, and no matter what I do to try and make things better, it never works out.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Perhaps this is where we need to cut our parents some slack too? It's a hard job and no one is there telling them how they should do things either so they make mistakes and do things with the best of intentions but don't always understand how we are feeling? Maybe you could think of it that way and understand that they could be overreacting but it's because they want the best for you? Unless you all sit down and talk things through, these things are bound to happen as everyone is working with a certain amount of assumption.

Your parents love you, Poppy. If they didn't care, they wouldn't be trying to help. But people can get a bit manic about trying to help too and it can come across as a bit too much. When this happens we have to accept that they are not sure either and may not realise how they are affecting us. I think that if your parents were the type to expect perfection of you in order to love you (status chasers) you would see signs of it in how they relate to you, or maybe put you down for flaws and make you feel like you are not good enough BUT I can't see anything in your posts to indicate this and I'm sure you would have spotted it over the years. (I'm not saying they are like that though, it's just an example of how a parent like that tends to put their children down)

Maybe your dad is a bit of a "can do" person so rushes in and your mum is more balanced and likes to weigh up the options? If you looked at that statement with certain Cognitive Distortion glasses on you could say "dad is pushing me and mum doesn't care" but it wouldn't be true, it would be the kinds of skewed negative conclusions that come out of the negative thinking styles seen in the Cognitive Distortions that we use in anxiety/depression. So, maybe you are not thinking about everything because of this and could take a step back in assessing what & why? (does that make sense?)

Maybe they need to involve you more in this? You feel like it's out of your control and have done things to help yourself withou telling them. So, maybe there is an element of your parents recognising that you are older and should be included and that would help you tell them about the things you have tried? Parents have the difficult task of changing how they think about their kids when they get to your age as you are now a young woman and they can struggle with that transition. To an extent, you are always a child to many parents no matter how much you achieve in life.

You're not high maintenance, it's just a bunch of people have a chat about life and I'm sure you would do the same.

[hanshan]

Hello Poppy,

Definitely don't feel hopeless, and your problems aren't silly. Everyone feels hopeless from time to time - so do make use of your university counsellors. They have a great deal of experience.

When you go in a room, everyone else your age may seem confident and outgoing. Don't believe a word of it. They're all secretly terrified, even the really good-looking ones.

You haven't indicated what your major is, but you communicate well, so perhaps something involving writing?

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, guys I think I'm going to try and take a step back and do my best to trust the doctors and what they think will work. I'm scared the accutane won't work (and I'm afraid of the implications if it doesn't) but the doctor I saw says she sees about a 90% success rate with the patients she treats, after one course, and she seemed to think it would help, so we'll see. Maybe it is the one thing that will work for me.

I'm going to work on focusing on my good qualities. I think I will start a log or journal where I write down something I like about myself, or something good I feel I accomplished, on a daily basis. Maybe it will change my thinking.

@hanshan - I'm a business major. I don't know specifically what I want to do with it; I'd either like to work for a smaller company or with a nonprofit. It's challenging because there have been things that have appealed to me (gerontology, career counseling, organizational leadership) but for whatever reason the programs weren't accessible to me with my background, or they were "secondary" type programs that didn't stand well on their own and so weren't worth pursuing.

My ultimate goal is to graduate and at least find a job where I can support myself so that I can move out and, if need be, make decisions about pursuing any other education or additional opportunities. It's hard to look forward too, though, as when I get hopeful that I'll at least obtain that goal, my self esteem tanks or I read something online about jobs or someone will say something in person about jobs that make me feel as though I'm being overly optimistic and that I'm making the wrong decisions every step of the way.

[hanshan]

Hello Poppy,

If the doctor says accutane has a 90% success rate, I'd go with that - they're pretty good odds. If it doesn't work, don't worry, something else will come up. The marvellous thing is that medical science evolves so rapidly there is always hope of a new treatment.

I'd say graduating and finding a job is not an ultimate goal, but an immediate one, although one really not so difficult - companies need to hire people all the time. Business itself is a very broad field of study, so you do need to focus on specific areas of interest, even if they are not part of your formal studies. You mention small companies and non-profits, and areas like gerontology. Can research any small companies / non-profits that are hiring in those areas that match your skill set? One of the questions interviewers usually ask is "Why do you want to work in our company?" An honest and well thought-out answer will take you far. (Also, it helps to speak not of what the company can do for you, but of what you can do for the company, to misquote someone famous).

[.Poppy.]

I suppose by ultimate goal I mean that I always at least want a job where I can support myself (like everyone else out there). If I could graduate and find a job where I can live independently, I think I'd at least feel secure enough to find my way in the world a little better.

I do know I need to specialize, it's just such a broad field that it's hard to specialize too much unless I know exactly where I'm going. Right now, I work in an office that specializes in conference planning/registration. I absolutely love it, and wouldn't mind doing something similar in the future, but it's essentially an "office" job so there's no real major to specialize me in that direction, and I know there are other office jobs out there that I'd probably love just as much.

There are some career fairs this fall, so I plan to buck up and go to them, as hard as it is, and try to interact with some of the companies to get a feel for what is out there and maybe see if something interests me. I also plan to look into internships next semester, possibly for next summer.

I have also considered pursuing something in health care management - I have a degree in speech pathology/audiology (just a basic degree, not enough to practice but enough to know what's going on) and have a few classes in gerontology as well, plus health care is a growing field so that's always a viable option.

EDIT: Sorry for the ramble, but sometimes it helps me think things through when I get the thoughts out of my head

[hanshan]

Hi Poppy,

Don't worry about the ramble - putting your ideas into writing always (almost always) helps make them clearer.

You will graduate! You will find a job! You will be able to move out and pay your own way! I can guarantee that. Millions of people do it every year. So can you.

Don't worry too much about trying to plan your future ten years from now - it's not possible. I think there are at least two reasons for this. First is that the world changes so rapidly that the industry you so carefully research today may be completely transformed ten years from now. Second is that your own personal circumstances can change rapidly - opportunity knocks and suddenly your world is transformed. Believe. It does happen.