11/06/2017 and 12/06/2017
A double entry today. I haven't been as inclined to write my diary for a few days. I don't know if this is a good sign or not. I've certainly been thinking a lot less about my symptoms, but they are still there.
On Sunday I went to London to see Issi. I travelled up with my brother. I have to say out of everyone, I do seem to be more comfortable talking and being the person I supposedly used to be around him. This is of course despite the fact that I'm still not sure he or I actually exist.
We went our separate ways when we got to Paddington. I went to catch the bus to Issi's. About half way through the trip I realised something, I hadn't remembered to put my headphones on to drown out negative thoughts. This was mainly because I didn't fear having those thoughts. This did seem like a result to me. I still put a podcast on as soon as I realised, just in case.
I went around Hampstead Heath with Issi, and was still having feelings that I couldn't work out. When I was looking at my surroundings, I couldn't help but think I wasn't actually there. When I really think about it, I still can't convince myself tat this is the same world. I'm still half sure that this is a different world and I am a different person to the one I remember.
Before bed I was feeling quite bad about my body movements. It didn't make sense how certain parts of my body were moving, and I was baffled at things like when I was moving one part of my arm, another part would move with it etc. I just went to sleep and tried to suppress these ideas as much as possible.
Today I have done very little. The thoughts about movement have still been in the background along with the usual stuff about me not being here, other people not being here, not feeling connected to what I was saying, communicating seemingly automatically to people when I'm not really thinking about talking to them. Same old.
Again though, I have managed to keep things somewhat repressed. I have felt myself getting annoyed with people turning up and going on and on when I just wanted some peace. So I guess those emotions are a good thing.
In summary, I still don't think I'm real, I still think this is a different world and I still can't make sense of a lot of things. But maybe, just maybe the jigsaw will piece together soon. I hope so.