Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 1234 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 47

Thread: My daily diary.

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    77

    Re: My daily diary.

    11/06/2017 and 12/06/2017

    A double entry today. I haven't been as inclined to write my diary for a few days. I don't know if this is a good sign or not. I've certainly been thinking a lot less about my symptoms, but they are still there.

    On Sunday I went to London to see Issi. I travelled up with my brother. I have to say out of everyone, I do seem to be more comfortable talking and being the person I supposedly used to be around him. This is of course despite the fact that I'm still not sure he or I actually exist.

    We went our separate ways when we got to Paddington. I went to catch the bus to Issi's. About half way through the trip I realised something, I hadn't remembered to put my headphones on to drown out negative thoughts. This was mainly because I didn't fear having those thoughts. This did seem like a result to me. I still put a podcast on as soon as I realised, just in case.

    I went around Hampstead Heath with Issi, and was still having feelings that I couldn't work out. When I was looking at my surroundings, I couldn't help but think I wasn't actually there. When I really think about it, I still can't convince myself tat this is the same world. I'm still half sure that this is a different world and I am a different person to the one I remember.

    Before bed I was feeling quite bad about my body movements. It didn't make sense how certain parts of my body were moving, and I was baffled at things like when I was moving one part of my arm, another part would move with it etc. I just went to sleep and tried to suppress these ideas as much as possible.

    Today I have done very little. The thoughts about movement have still been in the background along with the usual stuff about me not being here, other people not being here, not feeling connected to what I was saying, communicating seemingly automatically to people when I'm not really thinking about talking to them. Same old.

    Again though, I have managed to keep things somewhat repressed. I have felt myself getting annoyed with people turning up and going on and on when I just wanted some peace. So I guess those emotions are a good thing.

    In summary, I still don't think I'm real, I still think this is a different world and I still can't make sense of a lot of things. But maybe, just maybe the jigsaw will piece together soon. I hope so.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    77

    Re: My daily diary.

    13/06/2017


    I don't really have much to add today so I will make this short. I feel much the same as yesterday. Talking is a real issue still and if anything has seemed worse today, that is the one. Apart from that nothing has changed. I just want to be normal now.

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    77

    Re: My daily diary.

    I'm going to preface today's entry by asking if anyone does have any thoughts, to please share with me. It's been a harrowing day to say the least and I'm fed up and confused...



    14/06/2017


    And we come crashing down. Terrible day, terrible life, seriously just **** this.

    Today I felt like I was back to square one. Felt like I was gonna have another crisis. Felt like nobody would listen. Felt that nobody would help me. This has all but convinced me that I was right, I am not living in the real world. I'm not ill, I'm just in an alternative reality.

    Day started off meh. I woke up at half 7 and decided not to go back to sleep, which I don't normally do. All morning I was very pre-occupied with my body movements. The way moving my foot somehow moved my entire leg etc.

    It was forecast to be very hot, so I had planned to go on a picnic this evening with Issi (if she is real). I walked myself to the shops feeling a little bit odder than I had been, but managing to just about get along. I decided not to go straight to London after I had done this as I was a little early and had fridge food. I had been thinking how odd my walking had felt while I was out, but seemed to subdue those thoughts somewhat.

    When I got in, things came to a head. Any beliefs that anything was real have now pretty much gone out the window. I've been convinced that though I'm touching things, seeing things, using all of my senses; that they are not here. That I am not here. It got really extreme just as I was about to go out to meet Issi, and it felt like I had lost all control, all sense of anything. Nothing made sense to me. It felt almost like when I did when I had my 'crisis', but that is now a distant memory. If anything, that was the last ounce of the old me left; that believed I was actually just ill, that believed the world around me was a safety net. I believed at that point that no matter how bad I got, the things I sensed were proof I was still in existence, that I was still a sick person just going through a troubled time.

    Not anymore. Now I am just an observer watching this world go by, and to me the proof seems to be building up. I tried talking to my mum (if she exists), to explain that I can't seem to fathom anything. To explain how I'm not even sure of her existence or anyone around me. I told her how it seemed odd to me that I felt so abnormal inside, yet other people just carried on as normal. They go about their normal lives; even talking to me about normal things while I stand there thinking about how I either don't exist, or that I am so delusional that I don't think I exist and am seriously mentally ill and should be in hospital having my every movement watched. Yet when my Mum responded she seemed to not think anything of this. I was spouting a whole load of crazy at her and she somehow found it normal, she somehow didn't call the men in white coats straight away. This wouldn't be normal in the world I knew, so therefore it must not actually be happening. If someone said these things to me, I think that I would call the hospital straight away.

    At points when I've been alone, I've weeped. I thought about how if Issi is an actual existing person, I've let her down by not keeping our arrangement. I really wanted to see her, and my heart ached that I didn't. This is of course if all this is actually happening. I just can't get my head around anything. As I write, I hesitate to say anything as a certainty, because I don't know if it is actually happening.

    If I post this to forums, I wonder if people will react in much the same way as my mum? Will they say part of this illness is not actually feeling that you're ill? If they do react like my Mum did; will it be further proof that I'm not real? Or will it be reassuring? Or maybe they will alert someone and I will be taken away somewhere? Will I actually want that to happen? I just don't know.

    I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how a normal human is meant to react to these things. I don't remember what it's like to be normal or if I ever was. Why can't anybody help me? Why can't I help myself?

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    77

    Re: My daily diary.

    15/06/2017

    I certainly still feel lousy. I'm trying to put up with things, but I still don't know the answers.

    I was back to waking up very late today. I laid there for hours, thinking and thinking and thinking. Telling myself one thing, then another, hoping that I could make sense of things. Every ounce of me just wanted to stay in bed forever. I eventually got up at about half 1 and went to get lunch.

    Much of the day has been spent debating with myself in my head. Do I think I don't exist or not? Am I an ill person, or am I not? I spent the afternoon in the garden, just chopping plants here and there. I was disappointed that I wasn't going out and enjoying the sun more, but of course I only go and think that the sun isn't actually there like me.

    I really don't have much more to add. As everything is still the same as yesterday, just scaled down a bit. I do miss the real world, the real me; whatever that is. I long for feeling normal, for having an answer for everything I see. I just want my brain to either react the way it is meant to be, or for the world to return to normal. Therapist tomorrow, maybe she will have answers for me (if she exists).

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    77

    Re: My daily diary.

    16/06/2016


    Confusion still rules. Not feeling great, but I guess feeling a bit re-assured for now.

    I woke up at my standard time. Didn't think too much about body movements, more the existential stuff. Had my sandwich and watched youtube videos for a while. Spoke to Ma on the phone, though still not talking much because it doesn't feel right. I've been saying as little as possible recently. I can't deal with the stress of doing it, then thinking about it, then noting how I don't feel in control of it. I genuinely considered whether I should just go mute. Maybe then someone will either take notice about how difficult I'm finding things, or I will make sense of other things by not having to concentrate on it.

    I leisurely washed and got dressed. By the time I had done all this, I realised it was already 3 o' clock. Ma called again to say she was ready to meet me in Yiewsley, so I walked that way just trying to suppress any thoughts. Not much to add here. Issi called while I was walking so I chatted to her as best I could.

    Went to the therapist at 5, still wondering if I was actually ill or if this is even real. Told her all of the crazy stuff, and she told me she didn't think I was delusional. It's almost like I am a different person when I have these sessions. I think it's the act of doing something. Still cant be sure I'm real though. She said she thinks I might be obsessive compulsive. At least that could be a label to this feeling.

    I'm gonna see how the week goes, maybe I will finally see the light and have some certainty. Not gonna right anything more for now, as it will just be a broken record. Come on life, give me some hope.

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    77

    Re: My daily diary.

    17/06/2017

    Today as always was a day where things just don't seem quite right.

    I got up a bit earlier because my mum was in and said we were going to meet Ian for 11. I just went with it as usual, despite feeling profoundly odd. I tried to go out with an open mind. When I began to think about how the world isn't real, I would just tell myself that the observation in itself was proof that it was. While we were with my brother, that was generally the outlook I was taking. Things didn't seem right at all, but I got on with it. Then when he left and I was alone with Ma, things got worse. I couldn't shake it. All the evidence seemed to stack up that I wasn't real. I didn't feel real, though I recognised the place I was in, it definitely wasn't reality. I couldn't tell myself that it was just a feeling. I actually believed it wasn't real. I can't shake the feeling that I actually believe it. It feels like a definite to me, the same way 2 plus 2 always equals 4. The world wasn't real and no amount of evidence or information was going to change that. Yet I am worried about it, what the hell? Seriously at this time and place I seriously was not functioning with the world. It and I were entirely separate, not in tune with one another.

    And yet everyone else just carried on, I watched the world go by and nobody took notice of me. It's like I was invisible. If I was ill, surely people would take notice and help me? I still carried on in this fake world regardless for the rest of the day.

    I now sit here at home thinking that maybe this was just all a weird anxiety attack and I just feel it at different levels? It's weird to me because I feel I honestly can't say that I'm in the real world, yet it seems I'm more calm about it when I'm at 'home'. If any part of me thinks this is real, then it must be deep deep down inside me because I honestly don't feel it at all. People can tell you all you want to not analyse it and what have you, but if they are not real to me, why shouldn't I?

    It is almost like there are two of me. There's this thinking mechanism inside of me, and this person I'm just watching. The person I watch seems to definitely be a fiction to me, there's no connection. I feel like I'm not controlling it because the thinking mechanism doesn't believe it's real, yet the person I'm watching is communicating with an outside world I don't believe is there.

    Is this all an illness? Will I wake up from a coma? Have I reached another level of being altogether? This is like a big hallucination to me. How can things be this complicated? Why can't everything make sense and just join up together perfectly like it supposedly used to? If I am real and am just ill, how am I not in hospital? What the hell is going on?

  7. #17
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    77

    Re: My daily diary.

    18/06/2017

    I feel like things are definitely getting worse. Each and every day now I am at conflict with myself. I can't work out if I'm here or not. I can't work out whether I actually believe I'm not real.

    I forced myself through the day. Believing that I was just watching the whole thing. Believing that this was a movie playing out in front of me. At least that's what I think I believe.

    I was meant to go out to Issi's (if she's real). I had to re-arrange to make it so that she came my way. I couldn't face another long journey being stuck in this fake world. I woke up with the conflicting thoughts going round in my head: 'do I believe this is real', 'do I think this is an illness', 'if i'm ill how come the world is going on as normal', 'how come people are acting normal towards me when I'm not normal and don't believe I'm here', 'if i'm not real how am I doing normal things', I could go on.

    I got to Uxbridge and bumped in to my friend Barry (if he exists). I found myself talking normally to him. At this point I managed to keep myself into an uncomfortable acceptance. That being it didn't feel real, but there may be a reasonable explanation for it. This went back and forth all day.

    Issi and I got all the way to Uxbridge Lido and I remained in this state for a time. We couldn't get in the lido (if it exists), because it was full. We went to a patch of green and ate some food there. This is when the conflict in my head started to come to the surface again, 'do I believe I'm real', 'how come I am watching myself act normally when I don't believe I'm real'. The latter thought was something that has really clung to me today. I'm not real, yet somehow I am functioning in this world that I don't feel is real. What the hell. I honestly don't know what I believe. The thing that has also stuck with me is the fact that I am talking and responding to people despite a number of things; I don't believe I'm real, I don't know how the hell my mouth is shaping words, I honestly feel like I'm watching something fake. That's the thing I've noticed with my talking today. It's like I'm watching somebody else do things, but they are attached to me. This is seriously ****ed up! Or is it because I don't know who or what I am anymore.

    I departed Issi and got on the bus. Travelling home I was thinking how it didn't matter where I got off or what I did, because this was all fiction anyway so it would have no affect on anything. Yet I still watch myself travel, get off at the stop that I recognise and go home.

    So right now I sit here thinking I'm either crazy or not real. But if I were crazy, why isn't anybody noticing or doing anything? So I always reach the conclusion that I'm not real, because in reality someone would intervene. Yet I still find myself trying to convince myself that it will all make sense, though nothing does. I don't look at things like I'm real, I don't feel anything towards the world that would make it real. I don't know what I believe, but I'm watching stuff happen as supposedly normal. I don't know what to do.

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    77

    Re: My daily diary.

    Once again I'm going to preface by asking if anyone has any thoughts and feeling at all on what I'm writing, please post. The things I'm writing are more than just a struggle, they seem to be my reality. Thanks.

    19/06/2017


    I went to bed last night in a more straightened out frame of mind. Just doing anything to make some sort of sense of what is happening right now. Recently I seem to be more in control in the late evening.

    Today I woke up early in the heat, spent ages on my phone (if it's real), and then eventually went back to sleep until lunchtime. Still very confused as to whether the world is real or not, I got up, spoke to people on the phone, went to the local shop, and ate lunch.

    I sat in the garden once again all afternoon. The rest of the day has pretty much been back and forth thoughts much like the ones yesterday. I'm still ultimately confused as to whether this is the real world or whether I'm ill and how things are continuing on as normal.

    I haven't been much further than the near vicinity to my house all day (if it's real). I feel like if I got to any other places (if they're real) at the moment will bring back crisis' much like yesterdays. These are the moment where I feel the least accepting of the fact that I may not be in the real world or that I may be seriously ill, and it's when I'm so confused as to why nobody (including myself) is doing much about it.

    That's the thing I've been contemplating today. I keep on about how nobody who is supposedly around me in this world seems to do anything about this, yet I feel it, and I don't do anything about it. Is it because I really really deep down think I'm real, because I really feel like I don't? Or is it because I can't do anything? I'm stuck in this fake world and there's nothing I can do about it. If this isn't a fake world, then surely I am delusional and people would notice and be doing something about it.

    Looking at what I've just written above gave me a horrible sinking feeling. It even worries me that I wrote so convinced that I am in a fake world. I don't know. Either way, this isn't right. All I can do is keeping moving on I guess until someone does something about it.

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    77

    Re: My daily diary.

    20/06/2017


    Look at that date. It's been almost four months since the person I supposedly was existed (that is of course if I am still in that same world and timeline). So today, there's not huge amounts to add so this may be a short one.

    Woke up a bit earlier again, but stayed in bed looking at my phone till about midday. Showered Immediately in cold water; partly because it was warm, partly to convince myself there's a chance I might be real. Bought lunch over the road and ate in the garden. During this time the same old thoughts were going around. I occasionally put words in my head to make sense to things though they had little meaning. I have been putting layer upon layer of logical thought on top of the fact that I don't believe I'm real today, and that seems to have somewhat suppressed the idea.

    I went for a walk in to Yiewsley. I'm still scared to go much further because it seems to confirm all of my negative thinking to be true. I was a bit pre-occupied with my walking as I was on my way, but I'd much rather have just that basic thought than the idea that I really am not in the real world.

    I came back, did a little gardening. Had much the same feelings I did earlier in the day so I don't think there's anything to add there. I found myself talking a bit more to the person who is supposedly my mother in this world. It felt like it made a bit more sense, but only about 20 percent.

    In conclusion, still have no feeling towards the idea that this is an illness I have. Still heavily lean to the idea that I'm not in the real world and that is the hurdle I want to overcome. Life goes on, or maybe it doesn't. Who knows?

  10. #20
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    77

    Re: My daily diary.

    21/06/2017


    Today has been one of those days where I've mostly remained positive. Tried to keep away from the negative. Tried to convince myself I'm in the real world. Not entirely sure, but the anxiety levels about it haven't been too bad.

    The way I got up mirrored yesterday. I went straight to have a cold shower. Weirdly I had to psych myself up to do this. It was almost a feeling of really not wanting to do it or not feeling motivated. None the less I did as I did yesterday, did this quickly and bought lunch from the corner shop.

    I've spent the day pretty much convincing myself enough so that I could get on with things with little thought. I'm not even gonna try and think about how
    I feel deep down, because it wont be helpful.

    So pretty much having done the exact same routine as yesterday, I even at times managed to convince myself that talking made a little bit of sense. Though at other times it didn't make any sense. Even some body movements have made sense today. I wonder if it is because I've been so pre-occupied with other much for horrible stuff. Though the routine I have done today much involved doing pretty much nothing productive, it seemed to keep my mind concentrated on other things.

    I'm still petrified of doing anything outside of my local vicinity, so I may try and keep up this same routine tomorrow however boring it seems. Hopefully I can start to make lots of sense of lots of things by the end of the week. I just want to go home now, to a world I know, to a world I'm comfortable, to a world that makes sense. Please.

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 1234 ... LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 1058
    Last Post: 28-12-18, 08:31
  2. NMP daily success diary
    By Elle-Kay in forum Success Stories
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 02-12-12, 11:54
  3. my daily diary
    By kelkel in forum General Anxiety / Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD)
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 22-07-10, 17:36

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •