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Thread: POCD - Anxiety, Guilt and Ashamed.

  1. #1

    POCD - Anxiety, Guilt and Ashamed.

    Hi all,

    I have suffered with diagnosed OCD since my early teens (23 years). Over that period of time my condition has manifested itself in various different forms including contamination and fear of dying from HIV to worries of stealing items from my employer and losing my job.

    For the last 9 years my OCD has primarily been focused on having downloaded or viewed illicit material of children from the internet, being convicted and going to prison and as a further consequence losing everything important in my life. I believe evidence of my crime is stored on old laptops, smart phones and memory cards and the compulsive behaviour I carry out it check these items are not left anywhere someone could find then. This obsession started as used to use the internet to access legal pornography and I'm worried and anxious that somehow I have accidentally accessed illegal content in the process.

    At the end of 2012 having been single for a number of years I joined a free and well known online dating website. Soon after joining I started engaging in conversations with a number of different women. Over this period I met one particular female and our conversations progressed onto exchanging mobile numbers and then onto sharing explicit pictures and videos of ourselves with each other, behaviour now commonly known as "sexting". I cant remember who instigated this behaviour but it continued for a number of weeks before I met someone else online who I then began a relationship with. I remember saying sorry to the other female as I felt guilty we had shared these images but had never actually met in person as from what I remember that was always the plan we both had. I felt like I had used her although I believe I remember her saying that she had enjoyed it.

    Last year I started worrying that the female that I engaged in the sharing of explicit images with was under the age of 18 at the time and therefore I'm guilty of child sex offences and therefore a pedophile. What makes this worry worse is I cant remember anything about this female not even her name or if she had a job even though it was a number of years ago. I remember nothing that reassures me that she was over 18 years of age. Around this time I also engaged in similar behaviour with someone I met from work but I know she was over 18 as we also went on a few dates.

    At the time this all happened I had been worrying about having downloaded or viewed explicit material of children for at least 3 years but thinking back this never came into my mind then. This type of behaviour is not normal for me and on reflection it was "risky" given the theme of my OCD. If this female looked in anyway under the age of 18 surly I would of realised and not engaged in the behaviour? I have very strong morals and hold myself to high standards in life and now feel very guilty and ashamed by what I have done. The fact I did this makes it feel far more real and likely I have done something very wrong. Previously I worried about stealing something from my work place but I know deep down I would never do it.

    This type of behaviour is typical of pedophiles and what you hear reported in the media. I know I'm NOT attracted to children in a sexual way and this is most likely a OCD worry but currently everyday I'm living with the uncertainty that one day there will be a knock on my door and it will be the Police.

    Any help or advice appreciated.

    Regards

    Help_UK

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
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    Re: POCD - Anxiety, Guilt and Ashamed.

    It's telling where you mentioned you never thought of this until now. If there was a potential for what you fear I think you would have been fearing it from those encounters as you would suspect or know something wasn't quite right. OCD has a habit of seeking out our memories and applying it's current biased view towards what was acceptable in the past. I've been through this with some memories and it was key that I realised it never bothered me until now, a time when I'm struggling with anxiety.

    It's very likely you would have realised something wasn't quite right. You saw quite a lot of the person so if anything about their body raised questions about their age you would have questioned it and acted appropriately back then.

    And it's also telling how you mention you have strong morals towards children. OCD likes to seek out what we fear the most, to ensure the greatest negative reaction to reinforce the fear, so seizing on areas of stronger morality are a target.

    No one can ever say for sure that someone isn't under 18 so it comes back to protecting yourself online and if you ever suspect something isn't right, walk away. But you do need to separate your OCD thinking from the facts in order to reframe a conclusion based on evidence. Anxiety won't like that and will fight against it but this comes down to the usual steps in dealing with such themes i.e. altering reactions to thoughts, eliminating compulsions, self directed compassion, acceptance and forgiveness, etc.
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