Dream/reality? Obsessing over this.

[Wantingtomoveon]

So this is taking a lot of balls to write this but I'm getting increasingly sucked in and need some perspective please before I go insane. To give a brief back story, I've suffered with anxiety, depression and (undiagnosed) OCD since my teens.
The last 4 weeks have been very traumatic with regards to some dental work I've had and some errors by dentists etc. I had an appointment yesterday with a new practice to sort out the mess and was super duper anxious. I also fly next week and I HATE flying with a passion.

So, I'll try keep this short. Yesterday morning I woke up 3 times. Once when my husband left for work at 5:45am, once about 6:15am when my daughter (2.5 years old) woke up (I bought her in bed with me at this point to watch some children's to on my phone.) Then while she was in bed I dozed with one eye open so to speak and we got up to make some breakfast about 7:45am.
I've been having super vivid dreams the last week or so which I put down to my anxiety lately. One of them yesterday morning being that all my teeth fell out that I woke up feeling them to make sure they were still there. Another time I "dreamt" I was seeing an ex and he then took me into a cabin where a female was and I went down on this female!!!! This is so totally random I know. I woke up (at which of my three wake ups I can't remember) thinking "oh my goodness that was freakishly real" it was really real feeling. If I'm honest the "dream" has started to become blurry where I keep playing it over. One of those dreams that stays with you the whole day.

Then before bed last night while watching tv, the most random unprovoked thought came to my mind. OH.MY. What if it felt real because it was real? What if I the person I did this to in said dream was my flesh and blood? Is that why it feels so real? Could I be so aware in a dream because it wasn't a dream? Or another way of looking at it, is it possible to do something like this in a sleep walking type of way?! I'm feeling so sick right now. I'm getting more and more eaten up by this and I can't get any of it out of my head. My daughter is my absolute world and I would take a bullet for her over and over again. I would go to the end of the world and beyond to protect her. But why can't I get this effed up thought out of my head?

Any perspective anyone? I'm freaking out right now and keep playing it over and over again. It's twisting and blurring the more I think about the "dream".

Thank you if you've made it to the end.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Do you believe the issue is more about homosexuality/bisexuality/experimentation? Or false memories that you are worrying about? Or both even?

[Wantingtomoveon]

Do you believe the issue is more about homosexuality/bisexuality/experimentation? Or false memories that you are worrying about? Or both even?

Hey Terry,

Thank you for your reply. No homosexuality/bisexuality/experimentation doesn't bother me. i did all my experimenting in my early twenties including with the same sex and I am very comfortable with that side of things in terms of sexuality etc.

It was more so these obsessive thoughts that when I was sat there that evening the "dream" popped into my head again and I've told myself it was so real because I must have it. My daughter was in my bed so it must've been her? That's what's making me sick. Wondering if someone can do something so f*cled up like that in their sleep? I'm getting myself in such a pickle. One min I have my sensible head on telling myself : what are you thinking woman don't be so stupid. You had a really vivid dream and that's the end of it. You got up and your daughter was laying next to you watching her programmes on her phone.

Then the next min: the "dream" was so real so so real it must've been actual real and you must've been doing so unthinkable to the person next to you.

My anxiety levels and OCD are at an all time high at the moment so it's really hard for me to rationalise.

[ocdbaking]

I know exactly what you mean. I have OCD, which was also undiagnosed until I was in my mid 20s. I also have had a dream become a false memory.

I had a dream several years ago about having 5 or 6 kittens. In the dream I forgot all about them, and they died. I then realised what I had done, and went looking for their bodies.

When I woke up, I was completely wrecked with guilt - which didn't leave for days.

Every now and then I remember the dream, and there is a part of me that questions whether it was a dream. I still feel the guilt, even though logically I know that it was a dream, that has become a false memory.

I have no real advice, other than that you're not going mad! The dream will fade, and you just have to acknowledge and then challenge the thoughts that come with it when it reappears in your thoughts.

[Wantingtomoveon]

I know exactly what you mean. I have OCD, which was also undiagnosed until I was in my mid 20s. I also have had a dream become a false memory.

I had a dream several years ago about having 5 or 6 kittens. In the dream I forgot all about them, and they died. I then realised what I had done, and went looking for their bodies.

When I woke up, I was completely wrecked with guilt - which didn't leave for days.

Every now and then I remember the dream, and there is a part of me that questions whether it was a dream. I still feel the guilt, even though logically I know that it was a dream, that has become a false memory.



I have no real advice, other than that you're not going mad! The dream will fade, and you just have to acknowledge and then challenge the thoughts that come with it when it reappears in your thoughts.

Thanks OCD baking. I'm so sorry to hear it till creeps up on you to this day.

I've had something similar before. Again, with my daughter. It's always when she's in my bed at the time which makes it so much bloody harder to rationalise.

I managed to "get over" that one though and tell myself how ridiculous I was being. That was when she wasn't sleeping and I was so sleep deprived. This time my anxiety and OCD is so heightened from recent and upcoming events hat I can't rationalise. It's horrendous.

How do you know what real and what isn't? How do you know you didn't do something awful in a sleep walking kind of way?

[MyNameIsTerry]

I know exactly what you mean. I have OCD, which was also undiagnosed until I was in my mid 20s. I also have had a dream become a false memory.

I had a dream several years ago about having 5 or 6 kittens. In the dream I forgot all about them, and they died. I then realised what I had done, and went looking for their bodies.

When I woke up, I was completely wrecked with guilt - which didn't leave for days.

Every now and then I remember the dream, and there is a part of me that questions whether it was a dream. I still feel the guilt, even though logically I know that it was a dream, that has become a false memory.

I have no real advice, other than that you're not going mad! The dream will fade, and you just have to acknowledge and then challenge the thoughts that come with it when it reappears in your thoughts.

I've had dreams & thoughts like that. I've always liked animals & nature but having a dog made me feel more that I love it because of him. Bingo - intrusive thoughts about harming animals and especially my dog who I would take any disease to spare him getting it!

Intrusive thoughts always aim for what shocks you most because it's how it reinforces the cycle to keep them valid fears in th subconscious. That's why it's so important not to give it that fear and learn to not react at all and it learns through observation that those thoughts aren't important anymore...and they go.

That I know, I've beaten my intrusive thoughts. They did make a slight comeback with a new theme a couple of years ago but I did the same and they went too.

---------- Post added at 20:22 ---------- Previous post was at 20:14 ----------

Thanks OCD baking. I'm so sorry to hear it till creeps up on you to this day.

I've had something similar before. Again, with my daughter. It's always when she's in my bed at the time which makes it so much bloody harder to rationalise.

I managed to "get over" that one though and tell myself how ridiculous I was being. That was when she wasn't sleeping and I was so sleep deprived. This time my anxiety and OCD is so heightened from recent and upcoming events hat I can't rationalise. It's horrendous.

How do you know what real and what isn't? How do you know you didn't do something awful in a sleep walking kind of way?

So, there is the typical fear of loss of control issue that is found in many of us with anxiety. And then you have the fear of harming your child which has manifested in a POCD way.

Something I've learned from years on here talking to many OCDers is this - their fears are often their greatest and what can be more terrifying than a parent harming their child? These are excellent examples of the ego-dystonic nature of intrusive thoughts because the same parent will quite clearly love their kid to bits.

Now think about the real nutjobs that actually abuse or harm their kids in some way? Do they love them like you do? Of course not. And when do you hear if them getting OCD intrusive thoughts? And when do you ever hear of someone with OCD harming their kids due to their intrusive thoughts themes? Never in both cases. We would have read about them as these cases are always high profile AND why do the medical professionals still stand by their beliefs that OCDers aren't a danger and won't act out their thoughts? Are they all wrong.

I know you know this, it can be seen in what you are saying, but the subconscious is the one that needs to be taught out of these fears and that's not easy as we can't influence it so directly. It takes time to encourage it to change a fear and that's because of the nature of the fight or flight which was never really meant to stop being fraid of bears.

Parents, teachers, youth workers, coaches - seen all them with POCD on here. Parents especially. Each demonstrated a very strong moral code towards children, even if they had none of their own.

Intrusive thoughts aim for the Achilles Heel.

[Wantingtomoveon]

Bless you. That does make sense about animals and dogs that are close to your heart. Terry, but how do you know that you're not doing some crazy sleep walking kind of acts? I'm literally in the kitchen in floods hiding from hubby. He's very black and white and would most probably be horrified if I told him what I've said on here...

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think this is where those strange cases of sleep offences may be on your mind, those ones we sometimes see in the media. But they are rare.

Anxiety loves to point to the rare and say "but you can't rule it our, can you?" People often worry about psychosis on here, especially the OCDers with schizophrenia themes, and doctors can never say 100% that we will never experience it because anyone can regardless of any medical link in their family. Isn't this the same? You could spend your life worrying about psychosis literally because you can't get a doctor to give you a concrete answer.

This is what they call All-or-nothing thinking (or black & white thinking or dichotomous reasoning) found in Cognitive Distortions that we are known to struggle with. It wants a yes or no and nothing else is good enough. But we know life is often about shades of grey and probability is important. In the case of the psychosis example, a doctor would also be saying that the probability is very low. This will get the anxiety sufferer thinking of the "what ifs" as there is no definite reassurance.

So, isn't the probability of something like an act if abuse in your sleep going to be extremely low? We know for a fact that medical professionals state in their literally all over the world that OCDers rarely ever act on their thoughts because they are so scary to them (again, they can't ever say never which is often the case with doctors as they can't prove it) so that immediately puts you, as an OCDer, into a very rare category, a very low probability.

Therefore acting something out in your sleep can't surely be connected to the OCD? If that makes sense? So, the probability of doing something in your sleep should surely be no more likely than for anyone else in the world?

Also, the reason why these thoughts bother you in the first plave is because you are a good person. Do child abusers worry about thoughts like this? Do paedophiles shy away from their fantasies? Why would they, they want to do it. the POCD is the polar opposite. That is because you have deeper guidance in your core beliefs & schemas that were develped from a young age that are part of your identity and guide you. Right & wrong.

[ocdbaking]

I've had dreams & thoughts like that. I've always liked animals & nature but having a dog made me feel more that I love it because of him. Bingo - intrusive thoughts about harming animals and especially my dog who I would take any disease to spare him getting it!

Intrusive thoughts always aim for what shocks you most because it's how it reinforces the cycle to keep them valid fears in th subconscious. That's why it's so important not to give it that fear and learn to not react at all and it learns through observation that those thoughts aren't important anymore...and they go.

That I know, I've beaten my intrusive thoughts. They did make a slight comeback with a new theme a couple of years ago but I did the same and they went too.

---------- Post added at 20:22 ---------- Previous post was at 20:14 ----------



So, there is the typical fear of loss of control issue that is found in many of us with anxiety. And then you have the fear of harming your child which has manifested in a POCD way.

Something I've learned from years on here talking to many OCDers is this - their fears are often their greatest and what can be more terrifying than a parent harming their child? These are excellent examples of the ego-dystonic nature of intrusive thoughts because the same parent will quite clearly love their kid to bits.

Now think about the real nutjobs that actually abuse or harm their kids in some way? Do they love them like you do? Of course not. And when do you hear if them getting OCD intrusive thoughts? And when do you ever hear of someone with OCD harming their kids due to their intrusive thoughts themes? Never in both cases. We would have read about them as these cases are always high profile AND why do the medical professionals still stand by their beliefs that OCDers aren't a danger and won't act out their thoughts? Are they all wrong.

I know you know this, it can be seen in what you are saying, but the subconscious is the one that needs to be taught out of these fears and that's not easy as we can't influence it so directly. It takes time to encourage it to change a fear and that's because of the nature of the fight or flight which was never really meant to stop being fraid of bears.

Parents, teachers, youth workers, coaches - seen all them with POCD on here. Parents especially. Each demonstrated a very strong moral code towards children, even if they had none of their own.

Intrusive thoughts aim for the Achilles Heel.

I hate intrusive thoughts, but after a lot of therapy I know what they are - so if they rear their ugly little heads, I acknowledge their existence and let them pass. It's the only method I've found that works. Sometimes I have to logic them to death as well - it seems to work best out loud - though only when I'm on my own!

The animals things is true; beyond the dream I have an intrusive thought that I am going to deliberately pour boiling water over my cat. Clearly I know I never would, but it drives me mad sometimes.

The control thing is so true. My friends know never to change plans at the last minute - it's always best to give me a day or so to process. I really don't know how they put up with me sometimes

I refuse to let OCD rule my life, and try to embrace the more 'helpful' elements.

[Wantingtomoveon]

Terry thank you for such detailed replies. You're such a wise owl and I really appreciate the time you have taken to reply. It really puts things into perspective and it makes my sensible head think "if I have to question if it was a dream or not then quite clearly it is a dream!?" Reality is reality.

---------- Post added at 12:09 ---------- Previous post was at 12:07 ----------

I hate intrusive thoughts, but after a lot of therapy I know what they are - so if they rear their ugly little heads, I acknowledge their existence and let them pass. It's the only method I've found that works. Sometimes I have to logic them to death as well - it seems to work best out loud - though only when I'm on my own!

The animals things is true; beyond the dream I have an intrusive thought that I am going to deliberately pour boiling water over my cat. Clearly I know I never would, but it drives me mad sometimes.

The control thing is so true. My friends know never to change plans at the last minute - it's always best to give me a day or so to process. I really don't know how they put up with me sometimes

I refuse to let OCD rule my life, and try to embrace the more 'helpful' elements.

But how fab that you have friends that do understand! I've had thoughts like that before about cats. I think this is because I am definately a "cat person" and love them! I wonder what causes us to think these thoughts to begin with? My husband (who is extremely black and white) tell me it's because I'm never satisfied and never allow myself to be happy. Always being on self destruct mode...