Okay, new thread: anxiety AND depression

[.Poppy.]

I've just seen my doctor. I love my doctor so I was hoping it would be a positive experience; the therapist I've started seeing suggested that I go and see him as well.

Well, the second I told him that I was on accutane and very nervous about side effects, he seemed to shift in his seat. I got the impression he was very much willing to believe this medication had done this to me. As I am afraid of side effects anyway, that wasn't reassuring!

Medically, I have high cholesterol (probably due to the medication) and high blood pressure (probably due to the anxiety). Of course, neither of these things are helping my anxiety! Then of course I have all the other fears - that I'm going to develop something internally, that I'm going to lose all my hair, that I'm going to get arthritis, etc. etc.

Mentally, I go from feeling almost fine to totally anxious/frantic to really low and unmotivated to do anything. It changes constantly and can even change from one to the other over the course of a day on extreme days.

Thing is, I definitely felt similar before I started the accutane. There was less anxiety I think because I didn't have something to latch my anxiety onto - obviously my HA was triggered because I found a whole bunch of horror stories on the net (I have a past of HA but it was dormant for awhile). I definitely had some depression though - unmotivated to do anything and lots of crying spells.

Anyway. My doc has referred my to a psychiatrist to see next month. I see him again next week and have weekly therapy appointments. HE thinks I have anxiety and depression but he's not sure which I have more of, so he's wanting to reach out to both the psychiatrist and my therapist. He's not sure if I need a long term medication or if this will all just "go away" once I quit the accutane in a month, another reason I'm supposed to meet with the psychiatrist. He's also prescribed me an as-needed medication: hydroxyine? Not sure if that's right.

In the meantime, I'm an emotional wreck and I feel like a total headcase. I hate myself right now, I really do. I can't believe I sunk this low.

I feel like I need to face this now because it may be harder in the future: I'm a student now, so I have a bit more of a flexible schedule, am still on my parent's insurance, and have access to university support. I'm just quite scared honestly I don't know why this is so hard.

[winter-blues]

Don't get disappointed, your on the right track. The thing about medication is that it seems from many posts I've read that finding the right balance is hit or miss for many people and just takes a some to find the right balance. I've been dealing with this myself recently because I've been on the same medication for many years and I'm a little worried it's not working anymore.

[swgrl09]

As a fellow sufferer of both depression and anxiety, I feel your pain! It sounds like you have a good doctor who is very thorough. Hydroxyzine is a commonly prescribed, safe medication for anxiety on an as needed basis. It is not addictive and is actually an antihistamine, so it may make you a little drowsy or at least take the edge off anxiety. It's not like a benzo or anything so no worries about dependence. The only side effects I hear of people having are fatigue and sometimes dry mouth.

[.Poppy.]

Thanks to both of you. It's certainly a very trying time for me.

swgrl09 - he did mention that the medication was safe. Hopefully it helps me sleep tonight.

I guess I expected him to have all the answers, but even though he was sympathetic he just didn't know himself. That's fair, he's only human. It was good of him to reach out and offer additional helping sources - he was more than willing to work with the therapist I've been seeing at the university, as well as get me into see a psychiatrist. And since the earliest appointment the psych had is March 10th, he also had me schedule another appointment at his office next week to see how I'm doing. Both him and an older female nurse there assured me that they weren't going to leave me hanging.

As for how I'm feeling now - hard to say. I'm kind of a wreck. Maybe I'll feel a little better tomorrow. I was supposed to go out with friends tonight but told them I wasn't feeling well (they don't know about my issues and I have no idea how to even bring that up). Probably one of the most frustrating things is that I feel so garbage-y right now - on the verge of tears constantly, exhausted and yet so wound up at the same time - and it's super hard for me to put into words how I feel, really. I told my mom when we were leaving the office that I didn't feel well and her first question was, "what hurts?". I have no idea how to answer that question. All of it hurts.

[swgrl09]

It's a good thing that he got the psychiatrist and therapist involved, as a responsible doctor knows when an issue is better suited by a specialist. He knows you would get better quality care more likely to help you with them. It's better than having a doctor who is not specialized in mental health try to treat you in my opinion.

It is hard though - not having answers. I think that is something I struggle with too. In the end, no one provider could give me the answer to my problems. I had to address many aspects of my life - work, relationship, self-esteem, confidence, family stress, therapy and medication (which helped with the others) and physical health as well - before I started to really see some changes.

"All of it hurts" - a very accurate description when we are in the throws of this. I hope you start to feel better soon.