I don't know if I'm depressed or not; I just feel like there's no hope?

[.Poppy.]

I am in a really rough place right now and I feel like my support system is thin. I may go in for counseling at my university when I start back in a couple of weeks, but it’s hard for me to say these things out loud, so counseling is really difficult for me as well.

I’m just feeling so hopeless. I feel like my problems are silly, but they’re wearing me down completely. My most main problem is the acne I’ve recently posted about; it’s better than it was several years ago but the scarring is there (not just red marks; several rolling scars too) and I’ve tried so much. I’m going to go back to a dermatologist and see what can be done, but it’s hard. I can't make eye contact with people, and I haven't been able to look at my reflection in over a month.

I’ve been reading posts on an acne forum, which I shouldn’t do – the people there are so mean and pessimistic, they make me feel worse. But it’s hard not to. I just feel like with all I’ve tried, and what posters there seem to say (not all, but some) that there’s just absolutely no hope and it won’t ever get better anyway.

I also have problems with my dog – I have a behaviorist and we’re set up to do some training exercises in a few weeks. I belong to a really awesome and supportive forum for dogs (I belong to too many forums I guess!) but my other life problems have got me feeling so down; I feel like I’ll get hopeful and it will all be for nothing in this regard to. It seems silly to be so upset about my dog - though he means the world to me and I want him to be happy/healthy - but it just feels like yet another thing that's going wrong. They’re two different things, but they just feel so related.

On top of that, I’m in school and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, but I have no idea. I need to work on internships and career fairs, but with my self-esteem where it is, I just can’t. It takes all I have to go to class and work. My twin brother is attractive, perfect skin, career all set up, and everything he wants to do he can do flawlessly – I feel like such a troll in comparison; no matter how hard I work, nothing gets better.

It seems like every small bit of hope or positive movement is quickly squashed. I feel like nothing will ever work, nothing will ever go right. I just want to lay down and do absolutely nothing but even that doesn't sound appealing. I know if I brought it up to my parents they'd be happy to help me if they could (they've offered to pay for an appointment with a skin specialist to work on the scars, but I need to work on my active acne as well and I'm too scared they'll say I'm unhelp-able and it really will be hopeless). I just don't know how to bring it up. I don't talk about it, because I feel like if they knew how much it bothered me, it would be that much worse for them or they just wouldn't understand and I don't know what would be worse.

I try to tell myself that sometimes things do work out - I used to have really awful HA and never thought I'd get over that but I did. This, though, feels the same emotionally, only worse because it's something others can see/judge me on and I don't know....I just feel like it's impossible.

I guess I just needed to get it out as I don't think anyone can really help me...thanks for listening though.

[swgrl09]

Hey Poppy, I can definitely relate to the acne thing. I'm 27 and have had acne since I was 9. I'll never forget the first one popping up on picture day in 4th grade!!! Who gets acne that young? It used to be really cystic too, sometimes still is but not as bad as when I was 13-14. I still battle it on and off on my face, back, chest and it's pretty hard to deal with. I think my self-esteem took a big hit because of it.

Honestly for me what helped my skin the most was going on Yaz, the birth control pill. But it stopped working for my periods, so I had to go onto a different one that wasn't as helpful. I have gone through dermatologists, antibiotics, everything short of accutane, which I don't want to go on.

What was most important was loving myself though. Eventually once I met my husband, who wasn't bothered by it, I started to get more comfortable with who I am regardless of if I have acne or not. I have a decent facial routine but my back and chest still break out. I think the actual pain of it bothers me most now.

You know what's funny - the first time I ever saw a counselor was when this was really bothering me too and it was my first year of college. I had never said it out loud before to ANYBODY! It helped a lot to just say it.

It does get easier though. It might be helpful to see somebody to work on your self-esteem and self-confidence. There are lots of acne forums with interesting products, etc, some work better than others, but for me it still is a battle. Accepting it as just something I deal with but doesn't make me ugly or unattractive was a big thing for me and that helped me the most. But honestly I still work on it and struggle some days. Things WILL get better, they will go right, whether you have acne or not. You will find people who are accepting regardless! My husband doesn't even see my acne unless I complain about it.

Sending you hugs because I've been there, hope you are ok.

[.Poppy.]

Thank you so much I went on Yaz too when I was about 17 and I think it helped some, but my migraines got worse. My gynecologist says that because of my migraines (and a few I've had with aura) I can't be on traditional birth control because there are risks involved.

I've heard about another hormone pill that people say works really well and I'd love to try, but like everything there are people who say it absolutely didn't work and I just believe I would be in that camp.

I get cysts, mostly along my jawline, and some weird tiny bumps and then just standard pimples; I've got a grab bag. I don't have it on my body really, but with the active stuff and the scarring, it can be kind of depressing. On top of it, my skin is oily but feels really dry so I'm uncomfortable in addition to feeling unattractive - so I do think I need to find someone to talk to; I just have to find a good doc.

I'll start to think that I'm more than just my skin, and then I'll catch a glimpse of my reflection and feel just awful. I think I'm hyper-aware of it now.

Counseling may help. I feel just very behind because I feel like it's the first and only thing people notice about me. I have lots of friends, and my friends' boyfriends all really like me as a person but it's hard for me to even approach being in a relationship because while my friends would meet guys in bars and go on dates, I'm always afraid I'll meet someone and they either won't like me off the bat because of my appearance, or they won't really notice it in a dark bar and if we ever met up again they would and would be horrified.

[swgrl09]

If you think about how you interact with others, what is the first thing you notice about them? Is it their acne? I'm willing to bet not. We get so caught up in our own stuff, we aren't even paying attention to other people's "stuff." So I'm sure the people you think are only staring at your acne don't even notice it. They are probably worrying about their own insecurity or are thinking about what a nice person you are! I never notice when somebody else has a bad hair day but I sure as hell know when I do!

We all become hyper aware of our flaws. But I'm sure you are noticing it more than anybody else is. In fact, I know it.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I can understand this too, Poppy. You are at a certain age here where you are naturally going to be more self conscious of your appearance since so much of the world seems to revolve around the idea of beauty & perfection.

I had tricky acne as a young lad but after a few years it seemed to decrease a lot. It did leave me with pits that made me a bit self conscious but the more I age now, the less it's going to be an issue for me. But I've also has eczema from a young age and that left me with scars all over and they can stand out. I can remember people looking as a young lad and it did affect me as I started to notice it more myself after that. Thesedays I can't say I care too much and people can do one as far as I'm concerned, we all have our imperfections and I know enough to understand that people who think badly of someone because of their appearance are really people of little worth to you.

I view things like this just like how people view weight problems. They can be seriously destructive to some very important elements of us e.g. self worth, self confidence, self esteem, etc. It's important to try to accept it for what it is, if you can make some changes to make yourself feel better then why not but also to remember that despite all the cliches it really does matter a hell of a lot more what is inside. You are intelligent, caring and have a load of friends who all see your value. I wonder if it ever crosses their minds? Or do they see Poppy and automatically discount it because they like you as a person? I think they do.

Unless you have had some contact with someone you intend to chat up, it's always a roulette wheel. A nice looking guy could be an absolute idiot and you will be trying to get away again. A less good looking guy could be a great person who you feel a connection to or want to see again. And vice versa. Some guys go more for appearance, some go more personality, some like intelligence, etc. You could be the most beautiful woman in the world but it will never be enough for a guy who prefers intelligence if you are not that bright.

Do you find that feeling adrift makes you more self conscious? If so then you know by working on one problem you make great strides against the other.

---------- Post added at 05:46 ---------- Previous post was at 04:42 ----------

In case it's any use, I came across a product called Serrapeptase which is used for inflammation and also in asthma as it has an impact on the excess mucus. I plan on trying it for my asthma. But it also works on dead tissue cells, it's essentially a lab grown version of the substance inside a silkworm which has to chew it's way out of the dead tissue that surrounds it to emerge. People were using it for scar reduction.

[.Poppy.]

Thank you so much Terry. You are always so kind and supportive, and I really appreciate it .

I made a list of all the things I'm afraid of regarding this issue, and it boiled down to a fear that it won't get better or it will get worse (or I'll take something that has side effects that give me other problems). But I won't know unless I talk to someone.

I know there are people who have weight problems, but there's more social acceptance to love your body there...its like if you have acne people assume you eat terribly and never wash your face and that's totally unfair. There's no "love your acne/acne scars" movement. It's hard too because a lot of people who say they have terrible skin actuallu have all of a few spots and really don't have much of a problem at all (though I realize even mine could be worse).

It's just tearing at me - I think everyone is looking at me all the time. I need to accept myself on the chance nothing can be changed but don't know how. I may speak to a counselor in the fall.

Today, I'm hoping to text my mom (I'm at work and am not sure I'm brave enough to talk in person) and see about seeing a doc. My dad recently mentioned seeing a specialist to work on the scarring and offered to pay, which is great but also made me paranoid that even my parents think I'm hideous. This has shot my self esteem to the point where I think even my good qualities (smart, nice) aren't as good as I thought and I'm just terrible all around.

But, I'm rambling again. This whole process will be hard, so I may come back here and update. Thanks again for the support.

---------- Post added at 14:41 ---------- Previous post was at 14:38 ----------

If you think about how you interact with others, what is the first thing you notice about them? Is it their acne? I'm willing to bet not. We get so caught up in our own stuff, we aren't even paying attention to other people's "stuff." So I'm sure the people you think are only staring at your acne don't even notice it. They are probably worrying about their own insecurity or are thinking about what a nice person you are! I never notice when somebody else has a bad hair day but I sure as hell know when I do!

We all become hyper aware of our flaws. But I'm sure you are noticing it more than anybody else is. In fact, I know it.

It's funny, but I do notice acne on others - because I'm so hyperaware of my own. So I will see it and think "wow, they have problems but mine are so much worse" and am just constantly comparing myself in that regard.

I'm sure people notice it, but maybe they don't focus in as much as I think?

It's better than it used to be I guess, but I'd like a second opinion so I'm going to bite the bullet, be brave, and make an appointment.

[Sunflower2]

Hi Poppy, I've been using an antibiotic cream for acne for the past few months.. I was never happy with my skin but I didn't even realise it was acne until a beauty therapist pointed it out. Needless to say, I was horrified someone noticed and went to the doctor for something. I think mine is quite mild as the cream has helped but I understand how it can make you feel. I'm really thin and have issues with food which means I don't eat in public and it's not enough that people stare at me, but then look concerned when I don't eat. It makes me so so self conscious and I still feel a lot of embarrassment when in a social situation with food. What I try to think is that these people will think of this for maybe a few moments and then you'll either never see them again or they'll forget about whatever they noticed. And the thought would almost always be concern for how that person feels rather than, 'that girl is so weird!'

As for knowing what to do with your life - I think almost everyone goes through this phase! I went from art - architecture - contract administration - engineering! It took me a long time to figure out what I should do, and even now I sometimes doubt it!

[.Poppy.]

Thank you It really is fairly bad but I won't know what can be done unless I ask someone. There may be some hope but I just don't know.

I think hormones play a massive role....I've never noticed a pattern because I honestly always have spots but my hormones in general are funny.... I always have emotional flares around "that time" and a lot of pain as well.

Right now I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm texting my mom about seeing someone, and she's being very supportive, but its almost that time of the month so I've got more spots and I'm just trying not to cry right here at my desk.

---------- Post added at 16:41 ---------- Previous post was at 16:40 ----------

But thank you all again for your continued support...you really have no idea what it means to me.

---------- Post added at 20:34 ---------- Previous post was at 16:41 ----------

UPDATE: I have an appointment for August 13th. I have no idea what he'll say, and its very hard not to roller coaster between hope and despair. But I will do my best to keep steady and will update here again after my appointment.

I'm extra nervous because I can't find any reviews for the derm online, but fingers crossed that doesn't mean he's not good....

[swgrl09]

Glad you have an appointment, good luck! Let us know how it goes.

[MyNameIsTerry]

If you have a good think about it, I'm sure you will realise that your dad is just worried and trying to do his best. He would get you best medical professionals in the world if he could and it wouldn't mean you had the worst problem in the world, its that its his job as your dad. So, I think its all Cognitive Distortions in play there which it is in many of the other things you are worrying about really. We all have are problems with these CD's but the more you learn about them, the easier you spot yourself doing them (but changing them is a whole different story!).

Think about it this way, our parents have spent their time changing our nappies and looking at various problems wer have had and they are still there and they wouldn't think any less of us because they had to do that. In fact, it seems to bring us closer doesn't it?

I'm very sure that your parents will be worried about how this is affecting your mental health and would want the best for you.

I understand what you mean about the difference with weight issues. Weight issues are becoming more socially acceptable in terms of people overweight, but the skinny issue is perhaps not the same. Then there is the issue for women with breast size/shape and how that has been something that has gained more support over the years. Like you say, acne is seen as something more negative, perhaps you could say people view it like they do cleanliness issues? It's strange how you could show someone burns scarring and it would evoke empathy but they may not feel the same about acne scarring despite the fact that it can be a medical issue as opposed to diet, cleaning regime, etc?

People often overplay things big time thesedays. When I was growing up we didn't have the "OMG" ways of talking and you wouldn't hear people say "I'm dieing" at the drop of a hat like these do thesedays. So, it can be annoying and it's a bit of a pet hate for me too when I see people saying these things for no reason or even worse - celebrities!

Scarring does seem to be becoming more socially acceptable now we have adverts for products like Bio Oil in mainstream media but again I think people are likely to view that in regard to stretch marks, medical scars from operations, etc and not acne scarring.

I can remember a guy I went to college with many years ago (I can sadly count it in multiple decades now!) and he had bad acne. His face was covered in lumps. I worked with a boss with similiar issues later on. The first guy was very quiet and I can imagine why but the later boss was very self confident which he had obviously gained in the fact he was in his forties and had grown up kids of his own so he's done a lot of maturing. You seem like a very mature young person to me so I expect you will only gain in confidence as you age and will find ways to handle this.