Marriage breakdown :(

[cubist]

I’m very anonymous on this forum so I can feel free to say anything.

My wife has decided that she can no longer take the anxiety/depression I suffer from and would like to split. Clearly this has left me devastated and wondering how the hell I am meant to go forward.

I have been suffering from Anxiety, triggered by depression I believe for nearly 2 years now. I was about to be made redundant when the panic/depression struck and since then I have been unable to shake it. I was also due to get married that year so it was stress on top of stress. I managed to get a new job, just about but couldn't shake the anxiety although the depression had waned slightly. I had Computerised CBT, then Fear Fighter (another form of CCBT) then actual CBT. None of this really worked, I tried anti-depressants three times and they did nothing for me, I couldn't take the surge in anxiety that they caused. Due to the fact that I was suffering and my wife left her job for a new, lower paid one but with better prospects we moved in with her parents when they bought a new house.

One of the main problems I have is separation anxiety, i.e. when my wife and her family went away often for the weekend. Well, due to her Dad’s auntie dying at the beginning of the year she has been away quite a lot up to now. Last November she was due to go away and I panicked and started taking mirt. That was a big mistake, I felt absolutely terrible for the days leading up to her departure and even cut myself a number of times. **Please understand that cutting myself was not a plea for attention, more to relieve the tension inside of me, I didn’t want my wife to see this at all and she didn’t see me cut myself previously** When I was cutting myself, I would use the bluntest of blunt knives and it was very difficult to even break the skin, never mind cut myself.

The past few months have been filled with ultimatums of “you need to get better or we’re over” and general lack of support. Her argument is that she has changed her life for me (she claims to limit the amount of times she goes and sees her friends so as not to leave me on my own for too long etc etc) and that I’m not trying to change my life. I keep trying to explain, I have a mental illness!! If I could just make it go away, then it wouldn’t be a problem would it?!

Well this weekend, she told me she was going away again. I had been making great progress via the CBT sessions I had been attending for the past 2 weeks. I was out walking the dog again and generally enjoying things. However I once again cut my arm. Instead of using the nice blunt knife, I happened to pick up the sharpest knife I have ever had in my life, a little tiny craft knife. I made a very nasty cut in my arm, fortunately just one. I had to go downstairs and get some kitchen roll to tend to the wound, wherein my wife saw it, went hysterical and it all went from there. She said she couldn’t do it anymore, phoned my mum (who lives in the states) and that was it. We have had a couple of conversations since but nothing much. She said (a few weeks ago) that my condition was starting to make her depressed, so I advised that maybe she see someone about this but she flatly refused! Now who’s not making the effort?? I also suggested counselling for either her or us, again she flatly refused.

Before my mental illness started I was very into mountain biking and someone I know had a disastrous accident and is now severely handicapped and cannot even go to the toilet unaided, his wife is his carer. Now that hasn’t happened to me, while I know I probably won’t be exactly same, I was hoping I could be well enough to enjoy life with her and have a relatively normal family life.

Thanks for listening/reading (if you got this far)

[WhyWhyWhy]

Hi, I just want to say I'm really sorry you're going through this. Is there any possibility if marriage counselling?

You're going to be very hurt, I'd imagine maybe angry and of course filled with grief.
Did you say this out of anger? I hope you can go for counselling of some kind xx

[cubist]

Thanks Why why why.

I hope I can change her mind with the counselling as I think it will be very beneficial, even if it's just for her.

No, I didn't say this out of anger, maybe parts of it (the message was started at 9 am this morning and I added to it throughout the day, during which time I've gone through a wide range of emotions and thoughts)

The worst thing about this, besides the obvious thing is that I have nothing to my name, I've had to take a huge pay cut in work as I couldn't cope with the job and now need to find my own place and I've been unable to look after the dog so I won't end up being with him and he is an amazing comfort.

I just want a hug off my mum.

[Deckardblues]

I am a self harmer (read my threads) and i can relate to cutting, but not for attention, but almost to relieve the stress, and also as a form of self punishment. I use a knife that is particularly sharp and is something similar to what you see in movies when they pull them out of their pockets. My leg is all carved up, i do straight line cuts, and there is about 20 of them on my right leg, and about three on my right. I cut my legs so they would be out of view. I told my partner i did it while out running, but if she knew the truth she would totally freak. It is very hard to confide in your partner all the emotions you are feeling, and the sadness inside can be a very powerful entity. Unless you are in the same boat, it can be sometimes hard to understand, but know that you are not alone.

---------- Post added at 18:06 ---------- Previous post was at 18:02 ----------

Oh, i have also had cuts so bad, they have often bled for days after, and leaked through my jeans. If i dont bleed then i havent succeeded in punishing myself, or relieving the tension.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Deckard-
Why is it you feel the need to punish yourself?

To both of you:

[cubist]

Thanks for your reply Deckard, sorry to hear that you do that to yourself also.

@TooMuchToLiveFor: I was trying to explain to my wife why I do it, and quite simply it's to replace the emotional pain with physical pain. I, like many others sometimes struggle to address the intense emotional pain I am suffering, especially when anxiety is at it's peak. Physical pain seems so much easier to deal with and my attention shifts, I can clean the wound, put a plaster on etc and it's taken care of.
I was given a guide by my therapist about self-harm and alternatives to cutting/burning/maiming yourself, which I so wish I'd put into practice that night.

Thanks for the right back at ya

[Jaco45er]

Hi Cubist

Got to the end mate, feel for you (fellow MTB'er). Anxiety and depression for the sufferer is no picnic, but I have also experienced the impact it can have on the family too. It's hell for both parties. Nothing harder, than a non-sufferer to fully understand what you are going through.

You've already stated she flatly refuses to take professional help/counselling with you, that is a shame.

I think if it was me bud, I would concentrate more on me than her at this moment in time. If you concentrate on finding what is going to work for you, that can only improve the relationship, because as you get better, she will start to see the old you again.

I don't have the answers mate, my cure was Claire Weekes & exercise but we are all different, just seen the mountain bike reference, and hope one day soon, that you, relationship, and the MTB are back on track .

TC

[cubist]

Thanks for the kind words Jaco and for taking the time to read.

I'm going to look into Claire Weekes, never heard of that before, besides CBT, the only thing I hear about is the Linden Method but not made my mind up about that yet, just seems like a money maker but like you say, everyone is different.

I talked to her again about counselling this evening and she didn't say no which is a start... maybe. I think you're right in saying my focus needs to shift though, maybe the MTB is the key I long for the day of going back to a trail center.

Oh and in case you can't tell form the username, I ride a Cube MTB

[Jaco45er]

2013 Trek Ex 9 bud, and a Specalized Secteur for the road. But when you get to my age, you don't bounce too well. 2 broken ribs last year after an off

[cubist]

Very nice, sat on one of those Treks and it was niiiiice. 2 broken ribs? OUCH! I'm yet to break any bones in an off..... but there's still time