there was a time when this sight helped me so much, and i want to thank trac for beibng there when i neded you, your a good person trac, and there are others to like sax, and chucks, and many more, i thiank you all, theres no need to respond to this, i wont get the messages anyway, im not going to have a computer any more, well not for some time at least, im on my way to new orleans today, after spending 1/2 the night last night at the airport crying my eyes out waiting for a ticket that never showed, i realized this country is my home and i should just stay here and make the best of it, after the panic and realazation of what was happening again passed, i wanted so bad to just die, i was wishing for my heart to just stop beating, and at times it hurt so much i thought it would, but i got very lucky, a women that just happened to be a therapist was there waitng for a flight, she saw me sitting there crying, and talked to me for about 40 minutes, but most of all she gave me a hug, she sat there and held me for about 5 minutes while i cryed, something i had been needing for some time now, this whole time i had been blamiong myself for all the troubles i had been having, she made me realize that i am a very weak and submisive man, just the fact that i was sitting in an airport crying with people watching, and that im a man and most men dont let peiople see them cry if they even do, i told her a little about my chjildhood, and the abuse i grew up with, she had to have been the most intelegent therapist i have ever seen, she had to have been 65 years old, and so nice and sweet, she asked me how long it had been since i had seen my mother, i told her 22 years, and even though my mother was very abusive to me, she said i missed my mother, at first i thought she was crazy, but i started to realize she was right, i like abusive treatment in my realatioships, i do, i ask to be hurt and abused, before i shielded it as a need to stop the flashbacks, i asked women to beat them out of me, but in truth they never did, lately i descized it as a sexual pleasure, but again thats not what i wanted either, she made me see it for what it really was, i dont really like pain, i miss my mother, and all i ever knew from her was pain, it made sence to me finally, she said that was why i let myself fall into such abusive realationships, and no matter how much i get hurt i always come back, in fact the more i get hurt the harder i try to hold things together, i sat there and just said OH MY GOD, she has no idea how right she was, or did she? she said i had been looking for women that i knew were abusive, not just for love, because as my mom never loved me that was the part i was trying to chaange, and fill this emptoness i have for my mom with my realationships, thats why realatioship with fran lasted so long, she refused to be abusive in both physical and sexual ways, she told me i needed to find a women that would not indulge my ideas of what a realationship should be, this had to be the most remarkable night of my life, this women knew everything about me, and i didnt know how she could, turns out she worked at a boys home called byrons, for 12 years she worked with troubled teens, boys who because of there childhood had become crimanals, again like me, after my realationship with fran, i turned to drugs and buglary for 7 years, in a 5 year period i did over 500 buglaries and never got caught, during this time i paid women to hurt me, i let myself be used in ways i dont even want to describe, and only by women, lately i have been callibng myself bi sexual, but im not, its again a way to be hurt by women, i have been asking for a women to make me do things to men, not becuase i weant to do them, because it hurts me to have her make me do it, i have been asking to be tortured on levels i didnt even know existed, untill today, thios women was remarkable to say the least, when i asked her why i did all i could to mess up my realatioship with fran if it had been so good, she had all the right answers, by that time i had been away from my mother for a
Reply With Quote
