Scared of mental breakdown

[ellzeena]

A lot of bad stuff has happened in the past few months on top of facing the upcoming anniversary of losing my 23 yo daughter six years ago (only child). I have this incredibly awful ear thing going on (otitis externa) and have to go back and forth to specialist endlessly for scary treatments, now my ears are clicking when I swallow and this is just too much. I have clinical depression, PTSD and complicated grief from the struggle with my daughter's illness and in the past two weeks I have been crying a lot, feeling out of control emotionally, spending a lot of time in bed sleeping, forcing myself to eat. So today I saw Dr. Google and boy that was a bad idea because I took some online psych tests and it seems I am having a mental breakdown! SCARED! Anyone ever have one or had fears of having one? I'm a strong woman but I'm at the end of my rope in terms of ability to cope right now, would appreciate any support and encouragement, ty

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. I'm not a parent so I can't appreciate the scale of your loss anywhere near how you feel. There are wiser heads on this forum who can.

My thoughts on the mental breakdown is that if you were, you would already know. Reading it wouldn't make it any worse for me but I can understand how it can. However I think you need to remember that a breakdown is really old terminology and things aren't called this anymore as they don't tell us much. The severity of your anxiety or depression is what determines that and regardless of it worsening, you can recover.

I went through what would be understood by a breakdown. I relapsed even worse years later. So, I can understand the fear of it because I never wanted to go through it again, I did and I'm still fighting back from it years later, but I'm much better than I was.

If it comes, it comes, but you will get better. Don't add extra worry due to a label, it's just a different stage.

[AntsyVee]

I too suffer from complex PTSD and have been going through my own period of grief since losing my best friend. I am here for you. Don't struggle alone. Feel free to PM me.

I am 2 years out now, but in the beginning I was barely functioning and holding things together. What helped me the most was going to grief counseling. I wish I had gotten myself into it sooner. I did individual and then attended traumatic grief group. The tendency is to bottle thing up and tell ourselves we should be over things by now, but it doesn't work that way, it only makes it worse. You have to talk and open up.

The other big helpers were medication and reading th book The Body Keeps the Score by Van Der Kolk. The best book out there on PTSD, IMHO.

[SLA]

Also sorry to hear about your daughter. I have two myself, and they are everything. I can't imagine the anguish this must have caused.

Like Terry, I would also consider myself having a mental/nervous breakdown in '08.

As he says, its quite old terminology, and is not really an event that happens, but just a severe degree of anxiety and depression.

You are obviously in a very stressful, and difficult place.

My one piece of advice for now would be "Go easy on yourself."

Let the emotions flow, do not make yourself feel worse by wishing things were different.

Maybe you are having a mental breakdown, it doesn't matter. Millions do, and millions recover.

Don't add to your stress! Tie it all to a helium balloon and let it go.

Thats actually what I used to imagine myself doing.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Also sorry to hear about your daughter. I have two myself, and they are everything. I can't imagine the anguish this must have caused.

Like Terry, I would also consider myself having a mental/nervous breakdown in '08.

As he says, its quite old terminology, and is not really an event that happens, but just a severe degree of anxiety and depression.

You are obviously in a very stressful, and difficult place.

My one piece of advice for now would be "Go easy on yourself."

Let the emotions flow, do not make yourself feel worse by wishing things were different.

Maybe you are having a mental breakdown, it doesn't matter. Millions do, and millions recover.

Don't add to your stress! Tie it all to a helium balloon and let it go.

Thats actually what I used to imagine myself doing.

Absolutely SLA, don't berate yourself. I did loads of that and later learned it was a way into my low moods. I used to compare myself to others and look at them and think how lucky they are. The result was low moods, it just makes you worse.

[ellzeena]

TY all for your responses and kindness. I am definitely in some sort of mental health crisis (not psychosis, just really severe grief and anxiety). I do have a therapist whose specialty is grief counseling and now I have a psychiatrist who is trying to find medication to help alleviate the anxiety and depression. I am missing my daughter in an extreme way, it is almost six years and I feel as if this is so odd and I guess that is scaring me too, that my grief is so intense after six years. It feels almost new but my (really insignificant but troublesome) health issue with the ear thing has complicated this entire situation. Plus I am really alone in the world, she was my entire life and I needed to give her mine, her illness required it. It's wonderful to have found this forum! I am now encouraging myself that by May 1 this will have begun to lessen and I hope that is true. TY again.

[AntsyVee]

THERE IS NO TIME-TABLE FOR GRIEF.

I've often had to repeat that to myself over and over again. This is what we all have to accept. It's one of the hardest things about the process. Sometimes it will feel like 6 years; sometimes it will feel longer; and sometimes something will happen that will hit you in the core and it will seem like it was just yesterday. Unfortunately, that's just how it works sometimes. You can't beat yourself up over feeling like you should be over something.

You should also ask your therapist if they know of a grief group you could go to. I've made good friends with some of the people in mine, and it's another way of not being alone.

You know something that helped me (weird, I know) was to read some books about how others deal with grief. One of the books that I read was by one of the mom's of the Columbine shooters. Not only did she have to deal with losing her son, but finding out he was planning a mass murder for over a year, and then the grief of all those other people he took with them. She gave a lot of advice on dealing with grief and told how she was able to go on with her life. It may be weird, but I found it inspirational.

Also that book I mentioned yesterday in my post is a must-have.

[ellzeena]

TY Antsy! I know many Mamas on FB who have lost children (over 100 of them actually) and this appears to be our new "normal". Several of us are suffering terribly now, this is the roller coaster ride from hell. I will try to read books such as you suggested, there is only one support group here that is not peer led and it meets for only one hour a month. TY again.

[AntsyVee]

Well, keep posting. One of the biggest mistakes I made was keeping things in, instead of letting them out.

[Bigboyuk]

I have been close to a break down over different things but still important to me So know exactly what you are going through ellzeena Only one meeting a month that sucks (: Maybe if you travel slightly further afield there may be other meetings visit www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/help then scroll down to the bottom there is a list of Toll Free USA numbers including info help lines that may help you Good luck