Continuing struggle with depression

[Karen]

Hi Nic

Thanks for your message.

I've started this new thread as a continuation from Trying to Overcome Depression.

Dad and my brother had a falling out the other night because when my brother told him about my uncle, all Dad could talk about was him being sectioned. He doesn't understand about these kinds of problems at all.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

Hi Linda

It is a very difficult situation with Dad. Over the past few months I have come to realise how much his controlling behaviour affects me and has influenced some of the issues I am currently facing. However, as you say, he is still my Dad and I do love him, even though he really hurts me at times.

It is difficult for me to get away from him because he only lives 5 minutes away from me and he phones and calls round here fairly frequently. I try to head him off a bit by calling him first, but he still catches me out. It was worse when I was feeling a bit better because I think he had started to notice some changes in me and wanted to maintain his control. However, that isn't an issue at present because I haven't got the strength to challenge him.

I am really struggling with depression at present and quite often I do feel even worse after seeing him. I just don't really know what I can do about it. I am unable to say anything to him or stand up for myself because I don't feel able to handle a confrontation with him and he doesn't back down easily.

When he had a falling out with my brother the other night he refused to apologise and would have let the argument or the not talking continue if my brother hadn't made the first move. Dad has to be in control, no matter what.

I do have a big issue with eating currently. I suppose I have to say that according to the scales I am not overweight but I still feel fat. I think part of this issue is to do with being able to control something in my life, although I think there are other factors to it too.

This is a fairly new problem and one that I am only just beginning to admit to. I've been denying it to everyone, including myself. I started dieting a year ago because I was overweight and it has just got a bit out of hand. This is something I can do and succeed at. I feel like I am failing at everything else.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[nomorepanic]

Thanks Karen

people should be able to read it now


Nicola

[bubbles]

Karen,

I feel really sad for you over this issue with your dad--- you have realised over recent months what an effect his behaviour has had, & is having, in your life but because he has such a hold (& you love him) you become powerless to do anything about it.
(Believe me--realising & accepting what he has done is a major step for you in all this--& you have realised).

I think you have done well to try to "head him off" because you've realised his "melodramas" are not what you need! But I do understand how difficult it is for you to "put that distance" between you--because he lives so close & just calls in.

It is a vicious circle!
You say, " It was worse when I was feeling a bit better-----because he noticed changes in me". (I remember this because it was about the time I joined the forum & started to read your posts).
Yes, sadly, this is the 'brick wall' you may keep colliding with!

When you started to pick up a little, his behaviour seemed to worsen/intensify---his fear is that you will get better & not only see his bullying & intolerance for what it is---but actually refuse to accept it or give in to it anymore!

He has been doing this to you for over 30 years (? are my sums correct!)---a pattern of interaction between you has established itself where he controls by enforcing his views & opinions ( & bullies 'til he gets his own way)---& you give in. It's what he expects! What on earth would he do if you 'moved the goalposts' & fought back?

So---you started to feel a bit better--you slightly wobbled those goalposts---he starts to lose his normal easy control over you, panics, behaves more intolerantly than usual. There is probably a measurable ratio in here somewhere--the better you feel, the more bullying he becomes!
You start to feel better, he pushes you back down--& is able to keep you down because, as you say, "I haven't got the strength to challenge him".
The vicious circle--sadly, I think, he will attempt to push you back each time you make any progress. (Like 2 steps forward & 3 back!?)

This is what I meant earlier today about 'distancing', I think, even though I realise it's not possible at the moment.
Somehow you have to get to a point where he cannot push you back down--so that you have enough strength to refuse to be bullied by him.
That strength will come more quickly if he isn't able to keep reinforcing the old behaviour patterns.

This doesn't mean you have to ultimately challenge him in an aggressive way--just a little gentle self-assertion, maybe!
Believe me, it does & will happen however bleak it has all felt with him for so long. I remember my father's face when I eventually challenged him--a picture worthy of oils!--but it worked because he couldn't do it to me anymore because I wouldn't allow it!

Thankyou for being so honest about the eating problem.

The positive side is that you are aware of the probable 'control reasons' for it, you recognise it as a new & emerging problem, & you are not in denial about it.
The negative side is that by succeeding at 'eating control' you are helping to delay real successes in your life. You need the strength that food will give you to help you feel more positive, to move forward, to really get better---& to be able to control issues that will bring real successes!

Thinking of you,
Linda.

[Karen]

Hi Linda

Thank for your reply. It is true that when I started to challenge his control over me a little, he tried even harder to bring me back into line, using anything and every little reason he could think of. I was slowly regaining a bit of my own control from him and some independence, however that has slipped again now. The way I am feeling I don't have the strength to do anything about the situation I find myself in with him.

Now I am struggling with depression again I suppose he must in some way sense that he doesn't need to try so hard to dominate me, because things are back as they were at the beginning again. He still rings and calls round unannounced. He still demands to know what I am doing and tells me what to do, as well as still checking and opening some of my post. But it is different to how it was when I was feeling a little better.

I fear you are probably right about this being a vicious circle and whenever I try to make progress he will push me back down again. There are lots of reasons why I have sunk so far again, but the comments he makes and the negative things he says about me help to keep me down. This reinforces my negative self image and the worthlessness I feel.

I realise the only way to ever get out of this is to be able to stand up to him at some point and refuse to give in to his bullying. I can't do it at the moment and I'm not sure I will ever be able to. He holds the ultimate ace card - if I don't give in to him and yield to his wishes he can cut me off completely. He is my Dad and I can't risk it. I know these are not idle threats. He has cut off all contact with one of my brothers and refuses to have anything to do with him. I know he would do it again.

So really I feel that this is a situation that I can never win. I have lost one parent already because Mum has cut me out of her life. I really don't feel I can handle losing Dad too, no matter what he does.

Maybe things could have been different if I had been able to stand up for myself a long time ago. Maybe he would be able to respect me as a person then. But now it has been this way for too many years. I really don't see how it can change.

Regarding the eating problem, believe me I have been in denial about it and I still find it difficult to admit to. A couple of people have made me face up to the fact that I do have a problem. However, I still find it difficult to believe that it is as big a problem as other people think it is. I don't think I am thin or particularly underweight. I believe I have a long way to go yet and I don't see anything changing. I hear what everyone is saying about needing to eat to get better but I am still unable to make myself eat more. To me gaining weight is more terrible than any of the consequences of restricting my food intake.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

I really am a complete failure at everything. After being forced to eat a big, fattening meal by Dad on Sunday, and then again on Wednesday this week, I haven't lost any weight and I hate myself because of it. I'm so fat and disgusting.

I can't even do this right now. I'm never going to get rid of all the fat if I carry on like this. I feel like I need to find a way to be stronger and more disciplined now to eat less. I'm obviously still being too much of a pig.

I hate being like this. I make a mess of everything and am not even able to succeed at this now.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[nomorepanic]

Hi karen

I have seen you and you are definitely not fat - trust me ok.

What weight are you and what weight do you want to be?

I am 3 stone overweight so I have a long way to go but I try breaking it down into smaller chunks.

Nicola

[bluebottle]

Karen, you are capable of anything. Just because your past has been difficult it does not mean your future will be. You are an individual, a human being as good as any of us. Nobody is perfect 100% of the time, and nobody is imperfect 100% of the time. We are all individuals bumbling along doing our best, and you deserve a good and happy life, like everyone.

You will get there, don't worry, and don't be hard on yourself, I think you have already taken a big step toward a better life by joining this forum and meeting all of the lovely people on here.

[razocaine_07]

hi karen, i just read what nomorepanic wrote about the weight thing. Im 5'9 and weigh 14stone, i used to sprint in athletics and some of the muscle has been replaced with fatty tissue. Anyway, i get told all the time that im overweight by everyone. What i have learnt is that its difficult to say whether you are over weight by X amount because everyone has a different build. But at the end of the day its about you being comfortable with you. I know i dont know you, but by going on what people have said, i doubt you are overweight.

[Karen]

Hi Nicola

Thanks for your reply. People tell me I am not fat but I feel fat and it is what I see about myself.

I'm not sure I want to say how much I weigh on here. I'm not sure how much more I want to lose, maybe another stone. I suppose I want to keep losing weight until I feel happy about myself.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.