Long & Solo Bus Trip

[blaugelbhaus]

Hello everyone!

Newcomer here.

First of all, I'm not a native English speaker, so apologies for any typo or any sort of mistakes you may encounter whilst reading this.

So, I'm currently 22 years old and I've been battling depression, anxiety and panic attacks since I'm 12 - do we ever get used to this? - (only exposed myself when I was 17, after my second suicide attempt, and endured treatment since then until last year; I have SOS anxiety medication though).
Anyways, I think I jumped too abruptly with a decision and now I'm faced with a daunting duality of thoughts.
I recently bought a bus ticket to visit a friend during her Erasmus program, and I really want to go, it's kind of a "once in a lifetime opportunity", with a place to stay, someone who knows the city (and I have free entry in museums) - so as you can see, I'm well aware of the positive aspects of this journey. But, the bus ride will be a full day and a half long, so I leave my country in the early morning of the 20th and I arrive to my destination on the 21st at the end of the day, and I'm terrified. I'll be far away from everyone I know, from my comfort zone. I'm afraid I might have a panic attack and I won't have empathetic people around me that are able to help me calm down. I'm afraid I'll embarrasse myself, of exposing me and the overall vulnerability and irrationality of the situation, and I hate bothering others or ruin/wasting their time.
I tried to ask some friends if they wanted to join me on the journey but they refused, for obvious reasons. I don't know what to do, I don't want to let myself down, to let my mother or my friend down, I want to be able to face my fears (that's why I bought the tickets in the first place, I thought I could be brave enough to endure the journey). I want to be able to enjoy this opportunity, to create memories and be happy, but I can barely breath now that I'm anticipating and weighting the pros and cons, and the what if's. I even have physical pain due to the stress this causes me, as usual. I'm just lost, I'm frustrated and I feel pity on myself.
Oh to clarify, I now that by plane it would be much quicker, but planes are out of question since I have a childhood trauma and last year I had my fair share of flights.
Thanks to everyone in advance, it's already a relief to be able to expose my situation to people that actually understand how it feels like.

Best Wishes,
Ana

[MiniatureDisasters]

Hi Ana,

I think you're doing a great thing! I know it feels scary, and it's normal to feel like that, but you're going to be fine. Are there any similar (if shorter) journeys you've taken in the past that you can think back to? Think about all the situations in the past where you've successfully overcome your anxiety. Also, try and plan some things to make the journey enjoyable. Can you take some headphones and listen to music, or maybe some puzzle books? I've been in similar situations, and once the journey begins things are a lot less scary than I've imagined in the weeks leading up to it.

You sound like you're thinking about all the positive things this trip will bring which is a really good idea. Try and focus on that, and any techniques you've learnt during treatment.