Hello. I am very scared and at my wits end.

[natkat100]

Hello

I have been suffering with anxiety and depression now for over 20 years and have been on different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets. I have had counselling, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy and CBT twice but nothing seems to help. From the moment I wake up I am plagued with scary thoughts about global warming and the destruction of the planet. I am tormented by thoughts of animal cruelty and other issues that I have no control over. The fact that the things I am anxious and depressed about are things that I cannot change makes me feel worse about them.
I have spoken to other people who have suffered with anxiety and overcome it but because their issues are about things in their life, such as money or relationships, they managed to make a change to these areas of their life. I can’t make a change to the things that I am constantly frightened about. Every night when I go to bed I hope that I am not going to wake up the next day, yet a large part of me is also scared that I will go to hell when I die. I often sit and think about if I should kill myself or not. I often wish that I had never been born. I get no enjoyment out of life and never have. If there had been a time in my life when I had been happy then maybe I would think that it is because I am unwell that I feel the way I do. However because I have always felt like this, I am starting to think that it is not nervous/depressive illness and the things that I am anxious about are a very real threat, and it is other people who are unrealistic. I often think about the point of life and if God exists and end up scaring myself even more.

Outwardly I seem fine. I go to work, I exercise, I see family, I have hobbies and volunteer for charities. However, inwardly, I am a nervous and scared mess. Also it is getting to the point where I am no longer going to be able to do basic everyday things such as going to work. The effort I put in to everything is a lot more than what I get out of it. I try doing different things such taking art classes but I get disappointed and bored. Even going on holiday is a big effort and I only end up getting upset at the stray animals when I go abroad. This has resulted in severe jealous of people who I know who go travelling. I would not enjoy the experience and I am jealous of the joy that people get from it. I would just be reminded of the destruction of the environment and the suffering of animals if I went travelling. I feel guilty driving a car let alone flying on a plane. I feel like I have tried everything that could possible help me but I am destined to be miserable and scared for the rest of my life, and it will get worse as the planet is destroyed more and more. I don’t know what to do because the things I am so scared and sad about are things that will never stop and if anything, will get worse.

I would be very grateful for any advice that you could give me. Thank you.

Natkat

[nomorepanic]

Hi natkat100

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[PanchoGoz]

Welcome.
This is more common than you think, I'll link you to a few similar threads that may help you in a bit. I have suffered from very similar fears about the nature of existance, why are we here, the general size of things.
What to remember is that you have anxiety, and these fears seem extra real to you as you are suffering from them. They stay in your mind because you are scared of them and you are trying not to think of them. The best thing you can do is really expose yourself to these fears and even play around with the thoughts until they become part of the background like everyone elses.
You may think that thinking about these big questions puts everyone else's fears of cancer, work, relationships into insignificance, but know that the fear is only as scary as you make it, and the people who have not given these questions attention find their fears just as big and scary as yours. This might be why you are unable to recover, you can't see that everyone's fears are the same, whatever they are about. I thought similarly to you once, I thought I was alone with these "big" fears, but then I was kind of enlightened and now I'm mostly recovered.
I am happy to discuss further if you want to PM me.
I recommend reading the 2 links in my signiture.
Take care!

[natkat100]

Thank you for your reply. I'm very new to forums and don't know what 'PM' means. Please don't think that I meant that other people's fears and problems are not as big as mine and are insignificant. I was just trying to explain that problem solving and other techniques seem to work for certain fears and worries (some some people) but not for mine. Thank you for the links. I am grateful for any help. Natkat

[PanchoGoz]

Thank you for your reply. I'm very new to forums and don't know what 'PM' means. Please don't think that I meant that other people's fears and problems are not as big as mine and are insignificant. I was just trying to explain that problem solving and other techniques seem to work for certain fears and worries (some some people) but not for mine. Thank you for the links. I am grateful for any help. Natkat

I understand what you mean, I am not saying you are looking down on other people's fears, but you feel yours is "beyond" fears about mortal problems because there isn't anything bigger to be afraid about. I know, I'm overcomplicating things for a newcomer, doh

You will soon get the hang of things here, a PM is a private message.