Hey. Um, I'm not really sure who else to turn too now. My mum has helped me as much as possible but it's still eating me up.
Ok so, basically my entire life I've found guys hot and had crushes on them. All through school and uni. Now I got this guy I really fancied and we've been going out for 4 months. He's fantastic and really loves me. And I thought I really loved him, whenever I'm in a good mood and don't feel icky then I truly believe that I love him. Whenever he leaves for a week or 2/3 I get really sad and even cry. About a month ago I started to have doubts and what I believe to be hocd started. I started to have gay thoughts and they freaked me out. I then couldn't really shake them and loads of things triggered them. I can't watch tv without asking myself if I find the women on it attractive or even listen to the radio. I keep having lesbian thoughts and they really freaked me out. Now I've started to think about it so much and analyse all of my last looking for evidence. I used to stalk the popular girls on fb and I'm not sure if that is a lesbian thing to do. I watched lesbian porn and that would turn me on a lot. I created husband and wife families of the sims and then make the wife become lesbian. When I first looked at porn I searched naked ladies not men - I was around 11 at the time. But the thing is I've always fancied guys. But this is my first relationship. I've had other ocd thoughts about this when I thought I liked someone else and went a bit crazy over that - I would look up loads if articles about it. Like what I'm doing now. I get scared that the more I think about having a lesbian relationship, the more comfortable I get with it. It feels real and this scares me even more. I've had lesbian fantasies as well as straight ones but the lesbian ones seemed to turn me on more now. My bf and I had great making out sessions at the start of the relationship and I would really really enjoy it. But since a month ago I feel that I'm not adequately turned on and keep analysing it so much that I almost feel empty to the entire relationship. I find penises ugly but when it's hard and touched my leg then I get slightly aroused. I've heard it's normal for straight people to watch lesbian porn. I get worried that I only watch the woman in sec scenes on tv.
I'm so scared and the thought of breaking up with my bf scares me so much. I don't want to hurt him, I love him. But then again I'm not sure if he's just physical reassurance for me that iM not gay. I can't stop checking if I'm turned on by every woman that I see on the street and analyse wether or not I'm good enough looking to be straight. I have low self esteem as well. Obsessive thoughts like this enter my dreams, keep me up at night and are near enough the first thing I think about in he morning. When I'm alone I think about it more and have to phone my mum for reassurance. I can't watch the tv programmes I used to because I'm scared of triggers and I feel so anxious when I watch tv alone. I distracts me from work and I can't stop analysing things - especially my past and if I was attracted to women in movies that I've watched more Han men. I tend to believe what I read and it scares me. I get scared that I'm in denial and that this doesn't feel right because I'm actually gay. I'm worried that I'm sexually attracted to women and romantically to guys. Perhaps I've always been brought up to think that a husband is the way to go. (Something that I read). Everything scares me and feel that if I let go and stop caring about these thoughts I'm going to come to the conclusion that I'm gay and I'm going to lose my bf. I'm worried that I'm going to just accept the feelings and become gay.