Got better..... But I'm back.

[Diszle]

After struggling with anxiety and depression since I was 19, I hit 32 and I had it in check. I had 3 clear years free of anxiety and depression I was doing it. I was a fully functional person! I qualified to teach, got a new job, bought a proper grown up house. Livin' the dream right?

Then in October I lost my Mum. She was 62 years old. My world fell to pieces. I started to struggle at work, I stopped smiling, I stopped going out. I was coping but just barely. Then a month later a good friend of mine lost his battle with cancer, he was 31 years old. These 2 things alone would have been enough, but I have also had difficulty with friends I thought had my back, they didn't.

I'm now 35, and have been signed off from work for over a month. My boss is putting pressure on me to give her a return date and the truth is I just don't have one. She's basically trying to bully me into handing in my notice so she doesn't have to pay me. This is a woman who was off work FOR A YEAR with a similar issue.

My medication is all over the place, I was on ant depressants (mitrazapine) and it was awful! I didn't want to go back onto citalopram as they make it impossible to be creative, which basically means I can't do any of my hobbies (writing, making music, etc).

I don't think I'm strong enough to do this again. I can't face another 3 year battle against something I had beaten. I think about work and I shake uncontrollably, I feel sick all the time, I hardly sleep, I barely eat, I hardly go out. I just can't face this again. I feel desperately sorry for my wife. She has stuck by me while I build my self up and now I'm right back to standing next to a pile of bricks. I'm starting building all over again.

I could really do with a little encouragement.

Thanks for listening.
Dave

[Debx]

Hello Dave, I'm very sorry to hear of your losses. I am not surprised your feeling like this again. I was anxiety free for 5 years and now I have started with it again due to some big life events coming up that seem to have just overwhelmed me. You did it before and you can do this again. Return to work when you are ready as your recovery is important, surely she can understand if she was in a similar position herself? I am trying to remember everything I learnt first time round and hoping that I can cope with my anxiety better this time around although it saddens me that I've come back again but I need to face it and work with it, scary times but you will get through it Does counselling work for you? Make time for your hobbies don't give up being creative. Work with your anxiety and not against it is the best thing I learnt which I am hoping to put into practice myself although some days easier than others . Hope you start to feel better soon. TC.

[Elizabeth78]

Dear Dave,
I am so sorry for your reacent losses.
It's only my opinion of course but I would think your reaction to events it's a perfectly understandable one. I don't consider that the way way you're feeling is out of the ordinary. I would be more surprised if a person who's experienced what you have just carried on as 'normal'.
We are all emotional beings, I think is is completely normal that you're passing through a transition phase. I guess you're moving into another life phase. Whenever I've moved into a new phase I've had major wobbles. I call my frantic panicking worrying stages in life as 'wobbles'. It's because I feel like I'm trying to balance on a rocking boat. It's the crappest feeling ever. I feel like no one else can possibly have any clue how distressed and restless my mind is. Or understand how I feel hungry all of the time but I have no appetite. Or that I'm exhausted with life but I can't sleep.
Well, Dave I understand where you're coming from. I'm a fellow sufferer.
I have a pet theory that people like us are very special people. We struggle to make sense of this crazy bonkers world on a daily basis. The majority of 'normal' people just accept everything that's put infront of them, unquestioning. I'm guessing you're an intelligent person? Most folks I know who are anxious tend to be intelligent and bright people.
You are not mad, you are amazing( I don't need to know you personally to know this)
You are going through difficult human emotions at the moment. Please don't ever, ever feel like you are alone because you are not.
Love elizabeth78