Can't take anymore...I'm the girlfriend.

[AnnieGirl]

Hello All

I'm the girlfriend of a guy who I suspect has this disorder. A personality disorder.

I'm looking for support....guidance....if possible, someone to give me the strength to just walk away. Maybe...oh I don't know....

This man has issues with anxiety, social anxiety for starters. His other symptoms are as follows and are all around him being emotionally unstable.

I don't know how much more I can cope with this. I literally am at the end of what I can cope with. I feel like I can't take anymore.

He has a catastrophic reaction to minor issues in the relationship. For example, if I do something that he perceives as 'bad'...he has a complete break down over it. He disappears, doesn't engage with me, tells me he doesn't love me anymore (again), questions our future. He goes into this strange space and then emerges, ready for a reconciliation.

He then continues to be OK until I do something he perceives to be bad again and then this cycle happens again...and again....and again.

So...throughout our relationship, I find I have become in a constant state of anxiety and preparation for the next time he may just drop on me, out of the blue, and for him to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore. Again.

Gosh...this is beyond hurtful. Because I do love him. But I've reached a point of complete exhaustion from it now...I can't take any more. There's only so many times a guy can just drop you and tell you they don't love you (and all for minor things - see next part!)

'Bad things' that I have done that have caused this extreme reaction are centred around trust/insecurity/my mobile phone mostly and include:

Not sleeping when he wanted me to (he wanted to sleep...I told him I wasn't tired as we'd only been up a few hours and it was day time. I told him that I would lie with him and hold him but, rather than sleep, I'd read an ebook on my phone or watch a documentary or listen to an audio book. He said that he felt 'secondary' to my phone. This incident from the weekend has caused the latest catastrophic reaction).

I had my back to him once when I sent a friend a text. I happened to be sitting in this position...it wasn't deliberate. He was in the kitchen cooking and I came from the bathroom into the sitting room to find me in this position. When he came into the room, I engaged with him. He said the position was making him feel anxious and so I passed him my phone so he could see what I was doing. (By the way, I have given him my phone lock code and have even set him up for finger print recognition on my phone so he can access it whenever he needs).

Being on my phone 'all the time'. I do use my phone for texting, Facebook, reading the news, running my online support group (several hundred members) and looking at my work's email. However, it is not when I am engaged with him. For example, when I eat dinner, I ask if I can look at the news (I like to read when I eat). When he is away from me cooking, in the garden or anywhere else away from me, I'll send a quick text or have a quick look at Facebook (I only go on there as I'm a dog lover and love seeing the pictures of the dogs posted in the groups in a member of!) He takes issue with this and has said that every time he is away, I'm rushing to use my phone...I don't...it's more a case of, I'm not allowed to use it when I am with him for engaging with anyone so if he is apart from me, I do it then. I live away from my friends and family - I'm on my own up here....they often worry - some text me every day to check I'm ok and, if I don't respond, they'd worry.

Another bad thing I did was respond in the wrong way when he deceived me. He didn't tell me he had booked a week's holiday from work. I found out...and was upset. His rationale for doing this was so that he could dedicate the week's holiday to his family who he felt he had neglected. However, he didn't want to be open about this in case I suggested spending time together and he had to 'hurt' me by telling me he had already booked the time away to see his family (which would've been completely fine, of course). I responded to this without any anger - but I did have a stern word with him which went along the lines of, 'look - I love you but I am not a push over. Do not deceive me again. I'll speak to you soon'.

Another time, I was uncomfortable to do something in an intimate way. I tried my best to do it but failed. He had no problem expressing his disappointment in me. He held me but didn't make any effort to comfort me or reassure me that everything was OK. He made me feel so bad that I told him I'd try again. To which I did and, this time, I managed to complete the task. He was all 'loved up' again after I'd done it but I felt used and violated because I had done something I didn't want to do at that time.

He is constantly suspicious about who I may be engaging with. He is alert to the fact that I am cheating on him (never have, never would have).

I try my best to keep him happy. I try so hard. But...just minor things will trigger him off and then I have to go through this. Where I am now...him completely cutting me off, only getting on touch mostly to tell me he isn't sure about us, whether he loves me etc.

I love him. Breaking up would be hard (I have spent every weekend with him and, where I live...I don't know anyone so I'd have to make a life for myself up here) but...I literally do not have anything else to give.

In our relationship, I am either the best thing that's ever happened to him or I'm the complete opposite. There is NEVER any middle ground. I'm either perfect or bad. It's like...when he encounters a minor issue with me, he blows this up into something catastrophic (i.e me not sleeping on that day as he requested and listening to an ebook instead = bad woman, not wife material, not mother material, the worst girlfriend in the world, someone he doesn't love, someone to just dump and disappear on).

When he goes through this reaction, he experiences a mental break down including severe anxiety and panic attacks. Being restless (just goes walking and wandering). Sleeping badly. Crying.

Other symptoms I have noticed are:

Overly sensitive - there are lots of tears. In a recent incident, on his birthday, he got so stressed out and anxious thinking that he had to go do something because it was his birthday that, when I got back from shopping, he burst into tears. There are tears from him often.

Extremely low on energy - he needs a lot of 'down time'.

Insecurity, suspicion, fear of being abandoned - thoughts that I may be cheating on him, speaking to other men (this is his fear when he sees me using my mobile).

Threatening to harm himself when I took issue with his behaviour - when he lied to me about the week's holiday to see his family, I was well within my rights to have a stern word with him (no anger). He responded to me with one text to say he was going to cut himself (to feel something else and perhaps as a way to prove to me how sorry he was).

Severe stress reaction.

Control - I think you can see that I am controlled. So can I. *cries*. Out of this, I am a professional woman...good job, good salary, own my own home, quite independent. I'm so happy and bubbly all the time. My wings are well and truly clipped right now *cries*

Extreme clinginess - he needs to be held, touched. This has got better but when we first met, he would be holding me and kissing me whilst I ate.

Low mood/feeling flat and empty.

And a few more, no doubt. I just don't have the energy to even think about this.

I haven't been treated very well. I know. I try to be perfect - I am constantly alert to not putting a foot wrong but...if I do something that isn't in line with whatever it is in his head - I'm more or less dead to him.

Am I a 'Codependent'?

I read that these people 'placate, accommodate, and apologize when attacked in order to maintain the emotional connection in the relationship. In the process, they give over more and more control to the borderline and further seal their low self-esteem and the couple’s codependency'.

I didn't think I had low self esteem...but the rest of that rings completely true.

Anyone have a way out?
Anyone have any advice?
Anyone live with someone like this?
Did anything help?

I love the man but I've reached a stage (I did a couple of months ago really) where I'm so exhausted with it. I want to walk away but I'm scared. And then I don't want to walk away because I'll miss him and I love him.

I can't tell you how much it hurts when you love someone and they just drop you suddenly and tell you they don't love you again...and again. We were planning a baby in the next couple of months - I was looking forward to it so much. And then he just dumps me again - all of our plans just gone.

I can't cope with this anymore. I don't think I can last much longer in this state of uncertainty. A few months ago, I was so bad from one experience that I went on beta blockers for a month. It made me feel so bad I had to make changes to my duties at work.

Thank you so much for listening to me. You should see the state of me - runny mascara face!

Annie xxxxxxxxxx

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya AnnieGirl and welcome to NMP

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way

[Bee84]

Hi Annie I bet it's good to get that out. Sounds like he needs you to match his expectations he doesn't want to grow up and ever meet his needs himself. In a healthy relationship the others needs are most important. People confuse this often. He seems narcissistic to me and borderline.

A woman of your status is security to him. He maybe wants to be one with you as part of some romantic daydream where he's got all of the control. To be of one mind. He doesn't see or hear you as you are, there's no respect for your own reality. Everything is his way. He might feel you owe him because his mum wasn't there for him?? We have our own agendas and ways of positioning our bodies when we are speaking on a phone! The absurdity of his behaviour...

Could you tell him "it's my mind/life I'm not you, you are NOT me. We are separate people." Do you feel guilty for not meeting his needs (which is impossible)? He's a boy not a man like he probably thinks he is I'm sorry to say. Yes these people are apologetic and charming to get you back to meeting their needs.

Yeah it sounds codependent and do you think you are enabling him in anyway? Maybe he even hopes that YOU will change next time and that he won't have to shout or leave you if you would just remember to do what he wants, the way he expects it. He loves no one in his state and is easily slighted. He needs help and you can't help him the way you're carrying on. Not a good idea to bring another being into this situation, a child needs love and he can't do it I'm afraid. I'm on your side

What are his family of origin like? Are they like him?

[Bigboyuk]

HI it's difficult one in some respects. There's no doubt that he does need help. But is he over dramatizing it? I mean after all you are couple do you ever spend time with him when you aren't reading/texting etc and you have time together when the tech stuff takes a back seat? It perhaps the way I have read your post I think it's a question of give and take really How ever I do feel for you. Have you suggested he does get some help or is he in denial? He seems very insecure from what I have read I do hope you can sort out your differences though. I see you are a dog lover! Do you have a dog and if you do what breed is it? Cheers

[Phuzella]

You need to have time away for your own sanity. Temporarily or permanently. That's harsh and not easy I know but it's the right thing in my opinion.

[havingadventures]

From what I've read, you are in a controlling relationship. You sound like you want to "save" him, and be the one who reaches out to a drowning man. Does that sound like it might be right?
There's nothing wrong with having a big heart and wanting to help others. The problem comes when you help others to the detriment of your own emotional, mental, or physical wellbeing. Which seems to be the situation you've found yourself in.

You are giving, and he is taking. Period.

But what kind of life is that?? You constantly being drained of your "giving" reserves, and resenting him for always taking from you.

It would be great if you could get to a place where you say to yourself "I matter too, my needs matter too" and really mean it.

Tbh, this relationship doesn't sound healthy. From what I've read, he is controlling you, manipulating you, guilting you, using you, changing you, and (scary!) slowly separating you from others and others means of support. In my personal definition of abuse - you're in an abusive relationship. One that doesn't meet your needs.

You deserve better. But you need to believe that too. My honest suggestion would be to move on. I know it would be hard, but he survived without you before, and he could do it again. No matter what he says to try to manipulate you.


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