Revolutionary understanding I gained in regards to DPDR.

[viking111]

Hello!
I figure many of you know me since I used to post here a lot. Basically I got my recent DPDR episode in 21st of November, 2016 due to marijuana. And guess what, i recovered for full summer and felt just like before. At first I never believed that would be possible, but once I snapped out of DPDR, everything felt so good, happy, calm and I felt truly alive.
However, school started this september, causing another episode. It might sound bad, but this episode actually made me get a clear picture of what DPDR is and how it works. I spent like 6 months researching DPDR and talking to a therapist, gainig many clues and understanding about DPDR, but I never could get things to make a clear picture. Now, due to this episode, I can say that now I understand DPDR 100% almost.
Alright, so let's start with a thing called "attachment theory" which basically explains how newborn children develop attachment that they use even im adulthood. People with DPDR have insecure attachment which causes these Problems. Basically, I made like a small essay about this so I'll post it below.

My lifetime experience with DPDR.
Disclaimer: I am not a therapist or medical profesional so everything I write here might not be correct, it is just how I have made sense of thinks from my own experience.

I am sure everyone is familiar with DPDR here. That debilitating and borderline scary feeling and that crazy anxiety people with DPDR experience. It is truly a shocking condition and I am deeply sorry to anyone experiencing it.
To start, what I've found out in my years long journey with DPDR was revolutionary for me. It took me years to understand what DPDR is and how it functions and I am willing to share this with anyone suffering.
It all starts with attachment, a system that we as newborn children develop in order to survive. During the ancient human societies, survival was hard and everyone had to adapt to survive, even children. Attachment works pretty simple. Imagine you're a 1 year old child living in an ancient hunter gatherer society. Danger comes from every direction and to survive, your parents must take good care for you. Imagine let's say there's a bear attacking you. Your body fills with cortisol, main anxiety hormone and you start experiencing panic and all of those weird symptoms you already know. Your mind acts to protect you with that response, urging you to scream, cry, shout to call your parents for help. Then, if you get saved by your parents, your anxiety and those weird symptoms go away. If you don't however get any help and you are left to face your danger alone, your child mind dissociates from the situation as it seeks a solution to your pain. Basically, your mind finds dissociation as an escape when there is no escape. Of course most of us who suffer DPDR were never in a situation where a bear attacked and there was no help. For you, this DPDR response might have been caused by you as a 1 year old child getting scared from a toy that has caused you to cry. Since your parents might not have been there for you, you might have dissociated from the situation since you were afraid and there was no solution to that fear and DPDR was activated. If this problem, where you were left alone in case of danger and were forced to dissociate, happened often, you might have developed DPDR disorder, which means that DPDR is your default coping method in case of stressful situations.
At first hand, DPDR feelings might seem odd, scary and irrational to you. It felt like that to me at first too, but I began digging deeper into them, understanding what they really meant. That anxiety you experience during DPDR is your driving force to seek a carer, your parent, which by default is your secure base.
For me it usually occurs like this. Something triggers my anxiety (being in a new place, smoking weed, meeting new people, going to school or anything that could be considered by your mind as dangerous environment.). At first, the anxiety is just there as it acts like a driving force for me to seek safety, to seek my secure base. If I do not satisfy this anxiety, it just keeps growing and growing, until your mind understands that it won't end most likely so it gives you DPDR dissociation symptoms as an attempt to find an escape from the situation. This is the reason why when your DPDR hits, you usually feel cut off from the external world or yourself and everything might seem alien to you. Naturally, this is your minds attempt to cut you off from the painful environment.
To counter this negative effect, you must fix your insecure attachment style and form a secure base.
To dig deeper, both DP and DR are kind of similar in their function and are treated similarly. DP occurs when there is an internal threat to your personality that your mind choses to dissociate from. Example could be a homosexual person living in a family that would deny the person's homosexuality, causing the person become frustrated and dissociating from that part of self, causing a rupture in sense of self. DR occurs when a threat is more external, for example when you experience anxiety and your attachment style activates DR in order to dissociate from that external threat.

https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfrien...s-preoccupied/


Basically, the solution to DPDR is forming a secure attachment and a secure internal base. This internal base is like internalized feeling of safety. Most of us, dont even have this secure base or have it in relation to people.
Basically, the reason why I felt good and DPDR free this summer was because I never encountered any unexpected things. I could stay at home all day if I wanted. I could freely do anything I wanted. However, when school started, I had to mandatory go there, meaning my attachment activated since my mind took school as a threat, same as weed. When I am at school, I feel like I will die from the anxiety, but when I get home and meet my parents, guess what. My anxiety and DPDR goes to 90% cured. This is because I don't have an internal base and my secure base is my family.
Basically, I tried to explain this as reasonably as possible, ask me questions if something is not understandable.

[Brad10]

Hey I've been going through this for 3 years, I find when I'm worried about something or at home it's not as bad, it's freaking me out because it still won't go away and I just feel so weird in my own body or everything around me feels strange

[viking111]

Hey I've been going through this for 3 years, I find when I'm worried about something or at home it's not as bad, it's freaking me out because it still won't go away and I just feel so weird in my own body or everything around me feels strange

That's how it is. If you find anything that helps your DPDR get less, your mind uses it as a form of secure base. What you need to do instead is, form that base internally. Become independent so to say. That DPDR is not some random anxiety and feelings. It is anxiety because you most likely feel abandoned and you view DPDR as a threat and see no escape, forming like a bad cycle.

---------- Post added at 09:49 ---------- Previous post was at 07:49 ----------

The thing I want everyone here to understand is that it is totally treatable, but it will take some time and dedication. I believe most of us with DPDR have noticed, that when talking to a friend, family member or therapist, we feel a relief of some sort. A relief that we are safe and someone cares about us. This is the feeling we should gain independently in order for DPDR to end. We must build a secure attachment style and gain "earned security" in regards to ourselves.
When I'm feeling better I might write some exercises and things to do that will help with dpdr masivelly. To sum up, most of us might have some past traumatic experiences in regards to our past when we were kids and how parents treated us. For example, it could be parents not providing us with sufficient attention, not comforting us when we were scared or providing a dysfunctional family attachment. Personally for me, the deep trauma was my family system and how things functioned. I urge everone here to talk to someone about your past problems. If you wish you could PM me since talking to someone does help provide a secure base of some sort and a sense of calmness.

---------- Post added at 10:20 ---------- Previous post was at 09:49 ----------

First off, in regards to my own recovery, I wish to fulfill my attachment needs here by publically adressing my past trauma since it helps a lot.
Basically, what ultimately caused my DPDR was my family system and it was already severely dysfuncional even before I was born. Dysfunctional family systems can be passed on in generations.
To start off, let's take my grandparents. I'll adress the father's side since I know about them the most. They were born in the 1920s, a hard time in my country. Their life was rough and when WW2 started, my grandfather was brought in the army. After returning back, he endured some sense of emotional trauma, since he never talked about what happened in the war, only mentioning few instances of brutal things that he saw. In the 50s Soviet Union, he married my Grandmother, who also possesed some mental issues since she had a noticeable panic disorder. Even now I remember during childhood when for example I tripped and scratched my leg, she immediately went into a full blown panic. Scariest part was, that during that time, there was nobody who really could comfort her and I believe that during her childhood, when she developed these problems, her parents might not have helped her deal with those problems.
Alright, so my father's side grandparents married and had 2 children, my father and my aunt. They kind of also developed some forms of emotional problems, but we'll talk about those later on.
Then, 17 years ago I was born (yea, I'm just 17 going through all this). During the first 7 months of my life, I spent my time with my mother and from that early age I could not remember anything obviously. Any clues of that time I have are from my later experiences, where I often remember her mistreating me and even physically abusing me. My father, on the contrary, never directly abused me and was quite caring and understanding.
Alright, so at 7 months of age, I was left to be raised to my aunt, since both of my parents worked hard and shower signs of workaholism. They simply didn't have time for me and left me to my aunt. My aunt, however, suffered from depression due to her husband passing away year before I was born. So, to analyse the situation, when I was left to my aunt at 7 months of age, I went through some part of emotional trauma of losing my mother. Then, I was left to my aunt and developed a strong emotional bond with her. That wasn't the end of my problems, however. My mom would keep taking me away from my aunt at random times for herself. Like, let's say, I spent 3 days with my aunt and then my mom randomly decided to take me back for like 2 days. And this severely damaged my already damaged attachment. I developed an attachment known as anxious preoccupied attachment, which layed a basis for my DPDR. Basically what it meant was, that my mind constantly activated anxiety because it knew I could be abandoned by my aunt or by any other attachment figure at any time. When this happened often and for prolonged times, my mind started to dissociate from that, causing those DPDR symtoms, as it found DPDR as my only way of dealing with problems. This still deeply affects me to this day.
Okay, let's move on to my darkest days, when I was 4-6 years old.
So, I was living most of the time with my aunt, in countryside where also my grandparents lived. At age of 4, both of them had already died at ages of around 70 and I was left to live only with my aunt. Then, she developed severe alcoholism due to her everlasting depression. Those times were tough for me, since most of my memories from that period were of her getting really drunk and acting strange, which scared me. My attachment activated, since I felt like due to alcohol, my aunt had abandoned me. It was truly terrifying. I remember being in a state of DPDR for most of that time. Things changed when I was 6 years old and due to her alcoholism, she tripped and fell down a set of stairs, tearing arteries in her arm and causing her to almost die. It was pure luck that one of the neighbours decided to check on her and called the ambulance. During that time, i was with my parents and when I got the news, I felt really sad for some time. But during that time, I spent it with my dad doing many interesting activities and my attachment to him formed and really helped me deal with problems during that time.
Then, school started and my DPDR, anxiety and so on came back. I did not have a secure attachment formed, so when I was at school, I had constant anxiety and DPDR because I felt abandoned.
(More will be added in time)

[viking111]

School time.
So I went to the 1st grade, spent my first 3 years of school in constant anxiety and DPDR.
The reason why I viewed school that way back and still now is, that it is mandatory. For example, even now, during the summer break I felt almost 0 DPDR and anxiety due to the fact that there was no challenging environment. I could do whatever I pleased, go wherever I wanted, and, if for any reason I wanted to return back home, to my secure base, I could do so in a second. This kind of met my attachment needs, there was no threat of me getting abandoned like I was during my childhood, so my brain had no reason to give me anxiety or DPDR. There were, however, some occasions where during summer I encountered anxiety and DPDR, and that was a rather peculiar moment which further proved the attachment theory. So, it happened as follows. My home was my secure base and I had to go to countryside with my aunt for a week. I slowly started noticing anxiety, as days passed, it grew and grew along with DPDR. It was truly terryfing in the day when I had to go home, but as soon as I sat in the car to go back home, my anxiety and DPDR disappeared and i felt a sense of security and calmness. My mind clearly understood that I was going to my secure base. More interesting things happened. So, I arrived home, felt good. But 2 days after arriving I had to attend my friend's birthday party. Again, my DPDR and anxiety was activated and I felt kinda terryfied being at that party, until I met this girl I became interested in. The moment I am about to describe is honestly the best moment of my life.
So I started to talk to this girl privately. She told me about her life struggles and I told her about mine. During that moment, I again felt a sense or calmness, like if there was a person caring about me (basically my attachment needs were met.) And also, in turn I felt more independent in myself because I felt like she could depend on me in case of bad things (she also has an insecure attachment style and formed a secure base in relation of me.) Basically, during our time in privacy, we formed a bond of some sort that met our attachment needs for some time. Then, the best part happened and we ended up kissing for like 5 hours straight and spent a romantic time privately.
The main reason why this was my best time of my life is due to many factors. My anxious preoccupied attachment often makes me think that I am do not deserve love of anyone else and basically similar thoughts that generaly count as self loathing and all that negative though cycle which greatly increases anxiety and DPDR. That night with her basically changed many of my negative aspects as I no longer feel like a worthless human being who does not deserve good things.
Basically, I formed like a relationship with her for like 2 weeks afterwards and we went on dates and I remember when, before a date I would get really anxious, but the moment I met her, all my anxiety went away.
So yea, it wasn't a happy ending here for obvious reasons, as she decided to break up. I now understand, that for the time being it was the best option since 2 people with insecure attachment won't form a great relationship or family. What I mean is that, in order for a person to gain a secure attachment, the person needs to make contact with people who have a secure attachment.
The breakup was tough for me, because I love her immensly and still do. What still hurts me the most is that I cannot help her with her problems. I even offered her a chance to remain friends so that she could talk to me in need, but she said that she does not want to depend on someone because it feels bad for her (classical signs of avoidant attachment).
Basically, due to my personality shaped by my past, I cannot simply let her go with her struggles, so, once I fix myself, I will try again to slowly make her understand how to change things better for herself.
Anyways, I might have gone bit detailed with this, but what I wanted to say was that, basically, the time with her helped me form a better view of myself and the world and kind of decreased my sysmptoms of DP directly, since DPDR occurs when your internal self is conflicting.
What I've also read from psychologist John Bowlby's studies (the man who theorized the attachment theory) is that in order to reverse this insecure attachment, we must form secure bonds with people who are there to help us and talk to them. It could be anything, from a therapist, to an understanding friend or a pastor. This bond forming will make us make a secure base, which will allow us to talk through our past trauma with others in order to break free from it.

[Lilliput]

I am most interested to read your posts viking 111, particularly about attachment disorder, as quite a bit of what you say chimes with me. I had heard of the disorder but never investigated as I didn't think it applied to me. However, one of my sisters, who suffers from a depressive illness, has recently realised that she may have some aspects of AD. She has an adopted child and has learnt a lot about it recently.
The thing is, what to do about it? Forming secure relationships with others is the most difficult thing, you don't want to be a burden. The thought that someone might think 'Oh, blimey, what does she want now?' is always there, or that you're not much fun when you're feeling anxious and twitchy!
I got involved in volunteering for a dog rescue about 10 years ago and that has helped me feel I'm doing something worthwhile but I'm unable to go in to the sanctuary these last few weeks.
I guess the 'solution' is in my hands only, there is nothing anyone else can do. But it's seems like a 'big ask'

[viking111]

I am most interested to read your posts viking 111, particularly about attachment disorder, as quite a bit of what you say chimes with me. I had heard of the disorder but never investigated as I didn't think it applied to me. However, one of my sisters, who suffers from a depressive illness, has recently realised that she may have some aspects of AD. She has an adopted child and has learnt a lot about it recently.
The thing is, what to do about it? Forming secure relationships with others is the most difficult thing, you don't want to be a burden. The thought that someone might think 'Oh, blimey, what does she want now?' is always there, or that you're not much fun when you're feeling anxious and twitchy!
I got involved in volunteering for a dog rescue about 10 years ago and that has helped me feel I'm doing something worthwhile but I'm unable to go in to the sanctuary these last few weeks.
I guess the 'solution' is in my hands only, there is nothing anyone else can do. But it's seems like a 'big ask'

The first thing to do is to study the ilness to get a some sort of full understanding on how it functions. For me it took almost a year.
Thing is, I smoked weed last year, had panic, huge anxiety and DPDR afterwards and had no clue on why that happened and if I could ever recover. It took me like 8 months to talk to a good therapist who specialized in attachment and read information surrounding the topic to understand everything, and it all only connected recently. First step for me was to become aware of my past issues and what has caused them.
There are 2 types of these insecure attachments, one is anxious preoccupied, like I have, which means that I have 0 problems forming close ties with people and depending on them. The other one is avoidant attachment, which means that people with that attachment find it difficult to trust others and talk about their issues, making them being kind of self sufficient. It is generaly easier for people like me to fix myself, as I can easier form new bonds, but nevertheless, it is also possible for avoidant people to form these bonds.
In the book by John Bowlby I recently read, there are 5 steps with overcoming these attachment problems.
First one is to find a person with whom to form a secure base, on whom to depend in stressful or bad situations. Best option would be an educated therapist, but as I've said, it could be any understanding person. For people with avoidant attachment, it might take longer to trust the therapist or form a secure bond because they have that type of worldview and expectations, where they see that they cannot trust anyone. In contrary, people like me, with preoccupied attachment, we find it easier to depend on others but are really empty on the core. So once you slowly form a secure base in relation to let's say a therapist and feel that you can count on them, you can start to move to step 2, which means that you process your past trauma in a safe manner. Once you make sense of what happened in your past, you will surely feel more safe.
Then, in further therapy, your internal working models must be changed, they are basicallly how you view the world. Some people, like me, used to view ourselves as worthless and bad people, while others view the world as unforgiving, untrustable and themselves as narcisistic and so on.
Once a secure base is produced and past trauma and these negative views of life ar dealt with, there is a process in which you internalize this secure base, meaning that you no longer really need anyone else to assist you in life. You have like this internal fulfillment feeling.
I am still studying these methods of therapy and will expand on them once I gain some new understanding.

[Lilliput]

Thanks again, Viking 111.
I contacted a therapist a day or two ago and hope to have a phone call with her very soon. I very much hope she's the kind of person with whom I can feel secure and lead to a better understanding of what is happening to me and how I can deal with it.

[viking111]

If you get a good therapist, you will basically go through like a childhood reconstruction. For example, I was raised by my aunt who denied my basic needs and failed to respond to my cries for comfort. Even today, she blatantly ignores everything I tell her about my problems, saying that she doesn't care and that I must pull through myself and stop whining. Thankfully, i have my father who is understanding and does not do this bad behaviour, actually helping me in struggle.
Basically therapy will be like spending your first years of your life with a caring carer. Therapist will help you by providing you with secure base and you will be able to talk everything through. In time, you will develop a strenghtened sense of security in yourself and in time, that sense of security will no longer be dependent on a person, but within yourself.

[cattia]

Wow. Reading this has really helped me a lot, thank you so much for posting x