I suffer from a phobia of diarrhea
Ok, I am a 15 year old girl and I have been suffering with a phobia of diarrhea since I was 7 years old. It has caused a lot of other phobias I have. I'll start from the beginning. One friday morning when I was seven years old, I woke up and felt sick to my stomach. But not the throw up kind. I felt like that for a few hours and then all of a sudden I had to rush to the bathroom with watery, smelly explosive diarrhea. I was traumatised! It was the first time in my entire life I had gotten it. I had to go to the bathroom a few times the rest of the day and I remember going to my mother and crying my eyes out and she had to force me to tell her what was wrong.
A few months later it was a friday again and I was playing with my sister and all of a sudden my stomach started growling. I thought they were hunger growls so I kept saying I was probably hungry even though I didn't feel hungry. Then I had to rush to the bathroom and for some reason I went to the downstarirs bathroom and had diarrhea there cuz I hoped no one would hear me. That was the first time I felt embarrassed.
A few months later I got diarrhea again and again and again. As time past I kept getting diarrhea more often and I became soooo terrified of it that it really messed up my mental health. I would go off food that I thought caused the diarrhea (I wouldn't eat for the whole day and even the day after and, 2 years ago I literally almost starved myself to death) and I was scared of the day I would get it (e.g. If I got it on a sunday I would be terrified of the next sunday cuz I thought I would get it again) ,I would take of the clothing I was wearing and never wear them again becuz I thought they were causing the diarrhea. I would try to avoid the clothing and when I couldn't I would hold my breath. If someone would take the clothing and put it near me or they would wear it would be under extreme stress. I would hold my breath and act very weird.
Everytime I went to the tiolet I would hold my breath, sometimes block my ears and I would always fill up the tiolet cuz I didn't want to hear, smell or let anyone else hear when I had diarrhea. Or even if my stool was normal. Even peeing I was embarrassed of but not as much. I hated hearing other people go to the bathroom and I would block my ears when they would go. When I had diarrhea I would also hold it in either becuz I was terrified or becuz there were people around.
One time, I don't know how old I was, my grandmother came to visit. On one of the nights of her visit me and my sister were entertaining her and she got very tired and sat down to rest. I ran upstairs and got one of my favorite pillows and gave it to her to rest her head on. After a while she gave it back and I took back to bed with me. The next morning when I woke up I had diarrhea and for some reason I blamed it on the pillow. I pushed it to the end of my bed and I avoided it as best I could. I would hold my breath whenever I went near it. Things like that kept happening with more piloows, blankets, toys any object u can think of. And if anything would touch any of those things that I felt were "contaminated" then those things were also "contaminated". And also things or clothes that a member of my family was wearing or using when they had diarrhea became "contaminated" as well. Very quickly I was holding my breath, turning my head, avoiding things, people and rooms wherever I went. It was complete hell!!!!!! And this went on for years. I only told my younger sister cuz she was little and wouldn't judge me. She would just help me and hide things for me. I was under sever stress every single day for years. And no one new!!! I couldn't tell anyone!!!!! I thought I was the weirdest person on earth and I felt that if there was at leats one person alive that suffered with the same probelem as me that would have made me feel soo much better. But I was the only one. I sufferd in silence. I also had extreme selective mutism,anxiety and various other psychology disorders that were all connected. And only just figured out that these strange ways of thinking and stress and constant diarrhea and symptoms of anxiety, panic attacks and stuff were all symptoms of physicology disorders. I still suffer from all these things but thank G-d no way near as bad!!!! I've been working soooo hard on my own to try and improve my way of thinking and telling myself its all irrational but I seriously need help. I am seeing a therapist and she's helping somewhat but I just need to know I'm not alone. My parents r divorced. My father was verbally, physically, sexually abusive. Since I have sever selective mutism which is a social anxiety disorder, I have such a hard time with people in general and anything got to do with my body that's embarrassing. Since I was a baby till I was 9 years old I didn't talk to a soul except my immediate family. That made school soooo hard. I had accidents everyday, was bullied a lot and blamed for everything since I couldn't speak. I have moved country now and have actually been in 3 different schools. I am sooo much better now but I haven't been in school for a while because I have depression as well and the most important thing now is to work on myself and get better. Its sooooo hard though!!!!!!!!!!! I write songs, compose music and I play piano by ear which are some of the ways I let out my stress, feelings and thoughts and overwhelming emotions. I have been doing these things since I was a very small child. I also love to draw,sing,act,bake,cook,read,write stories,paint,desing clothes,design hairstylesand take pictures. I do love to do all these things and I'm very good at doing all of them but becuz of all the stress of everything I've had to and still have to deal with I've lost a lot of interest in most of them. I just want to know I'm not alone and I need some encouragement becuz I soooo want to get better but it can take huge amounts of effort and time to do so and I'm sooo scared andthat I won't get better. I need all the help I can get.
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Originally Posted by Fishmanpa
