Hi all

I'm having a major blip at the moment but I think I know why and so I'm addressing all I can.

Ok, work is horrendously busy, yesteday I worked for just under 10 hours with only a 15 minute break, our office is like sauna, I'm not sleeping properly and for the last week I've been weaning myself off my medication in accordance with the dr's way of doing it.

So I know that I'm being pretty tough on my body.

That said, I'm eating heathily, drinking lots of water and fluids, have cut down my alcohol intake and caffeine. Yes i had started to get naughty have a coffee and a couple of cups of ordinary tea most days. I'd run of of the decaf stuff. I've also done yoga three times this week.

I've been seeing signs over the last few weeks of my old symptoms resurging, constant tension headaches, lots of moving feelings, nausea and a fair bit more. But I've tried to be positive. Even though sometimes my head has hurt so much I could have banged it against the wall.

Then yesterday, it all went pear shaped. I was at my desk and started to keep a kind of fluttering sensation in the hollow at the back of my head on the left hand side. I tried to ignore it and it eased a bit but then probably an hour or so later, it came on suddenly and was really strong. A bit like a buttefly was trapped in the back of my head crossed iwth a vibrating feeling. Then I got like a chemical hurt feeling through that part of my head and I was off....I had the mother of all panic attacks. Though I honestly and truly thought I was having a brain haemorrage etc, especially when my left left went weak and numb.

I'm ashamed of myself cos I virtually ran out of my office, into the bathroom, splashed my flash. Still no good, then I was hot footing it to my car where I rang my husband. I had the works, hyperventilating, pain in chest, uncontrollable shaking, lead legs, burning mouth, heart pounding, flushed chest, tight face and still the fluttering. Eventually after about 15 mins, I went back to my desk, collected my stuff and back to my car. Someone said I looked terrible, so that didn't help.

I got a drink and sat there for a further 15 mins or so, telling myself i was ok etc, that it was all a pa and I would be ok.

I then drove home and burst into tears on route. Couldn't stop them but there they were. I the radio on loud to distract me.

Now I know that all of the symptoms are had are a panic attack. Apart from the fluttering feeling. I have it right now and have had it for most of the morning. Also the part of my head where it is feels tender to the touch. As it's new for me, I'm thinking well maybe it isn't anxiety. But wondering if any of you have anything the same or similar. See I got there eventually.

Part of me is afraid that this is the downward slope again, as the intensity of it all, is how it hit me years ago. I don't want to go back there and what's more I don't want to have to stay on the meds. I'm taking 75 mg of dothiepin every other day. So I'm thinking this could be down to the withdrawal. I honestly haven't felt that scared and out of control for a long long time. Yes I have symptoms but not those,

Thank goodness i have next week off work

I was totally exhausted for the rest of the evening but when I went to bed, I had fitful sleep and keep jumping out of bed in fear of something.

I'm not going to give in and I am going to fight this and I am being positive but as it's all so fresh in my mind, the fear factor is quite hard to control.

It's ok recognising the warning signals but when you do all the right stuff and it still gets you, I begin to despair.

Jules


Jules