Learning to live instead of waiting to die

[Traceypo]

My anxiety story began following the birth of my son, 9 years ago. Little thoughts that spiralled out of control until I became convinced I'd die and leave him motherless.
It took a long time to understand and accept this was anxiety, I was constantly living at my GP surgery convinced that whatever it was that was going on at that time would most certainly be terminal.
The first step was the acceptance or even just a willingness to consider that it could be anxiety. Once my mind was open to that, I was able to look at my options and do my research.
The second step for me was therapy, albeit I had CBT, each round of sessions served a purpose in my journey.
The third step was lifestyle changes, that's what stopped me dwelling waiting for a miracle, it was those changes that have made me human again.
If anyone asked what my anxiety was like, I could only describe it as an immense fear and that at my worst I was 100% convinced I would die that day. I was breathing but not living, I was detached from everything and everyone around me and in my mind I was in some strange survival mode, it was as if all those negative and scary thoughts were protecting me and keeping me alive. I now know that not to be true, it was those behaviours that kept me locked into the vicious cycle.
I look back at those times with immense sadness. I missed out on so much, I never felt the real joys of those times and even if I had a smile on my face you could bet your life I was obsessing in my head about whatever was going to kill me that day.
Moving forward, I'm now truly living and loving it. I'm still scared of some things, I'm still slightly anxious at times but I'm able to see that for what it is and not the worst potential that could be.
I smile with a real joy behind my eyes and cry tears what no-one will ever truly understand, as I have fought my battle and won. I don't live in fear anymore.
I go out walking lots, 3 miles a day, 5 times a week. I live 15 mins drive from the coast and I can now appreciate the beauty of that, I notice things that I never noticed before, the little things that make me smile.
My mind now wanders, for some that's frustrating, for me it's evidence that I'm no longer obsessed with controlling my thoughts and directing them in a destructive way.
I'm still smoke free, a massive step for me and I'm one week away from 6 months without a cigarette.
But best of all, I look at my son and we now connect in a way we never could before, because Mam was so obsessed with leaving him motherless that I could never be there with him, even when I was holding his hand.
For all you still fighting this, don't give up, there is a better place. For me, after all those 'illnesses', 'conditions' and 'life threatening ' events, I can now say that it was all anxiety, it was all in my head and I kept making it what it was by my behaviour. There was no magic wand, the solution and recovery for me was in me, I just needed the direction and support to find it.
Xxx

[pulisa]

This is a wonderful post and illustrates just how strong you have been and how far you have come. No one can truly live with HA vigilance and obsession. Breaking free must be so hugely liberating but also so greatly deserved xx

[skymaid]

Inspiring stuff and very well done. I got over this once too and that all sounds vaguely familiar. I just somehow got stuck in the loop again many years later.

At least you give me hope I can get out of this again. Unfortunately it all feels very real to me now and i'm "listening" to the random symptoms and not just getting on with my life.

[Traceypo]

Thank you Pulisa, it's been an exhausting journey but so pleased to come through it. I've spent long periods over the years 'coping' and 'managing' but I'd never let go and was waiting for that next spiral or trigger to come. One positive to come from this is the insight and understanding I now have into me as a person and my behaviours.
Skymaid, I really hope you can find the strength to overcome this again, I remember full days of arguing with myself in my head to rationalise symptoms, it was very tiring but worth it in the end.
Xxx

[pulisa]

I'm really pleased for you, Tracey. HA didn't stand a chance with you once you had put your mind to it. At the end of the day it's down to us which is the hard bit but the only way to liberate yourself from HA xx

[xBettyBoopx]

Well done Tracey. It's so good to read a success story and I'm so glad for you and you should be very proud of yourself

25243076.jpg

[dale12345]

Good for you!!!!!!! Your story very helpful and positive!!!

[Traceypo]

Well this week I've been suffering from... A cold! Nothing more, nothing less, symptoms are runny nose, constant headache, pain in ears, weeping eyes, temperature, cough, sneezes, aches and pains. I don't have a fatal illness, nor a weird rare disease. I have a cold, unpleasant as it is, it is another step in my journey. I haven't ran to my doctor for reassurance, I'm not counting my heart beat or examining my eyes, I'm just sitting here feeling slightly sorry for myself but pleased it's reared it's ugly head before Christmas.
I keep waiting for the triggers, as although I would say I'm recovered I'm still on alert for how my body and mind will cope when presented with symptoms. I'm proud to say I'm coping great, any thoughts of more than a cold are pushed away and I'm getting on with life (got lots of presents wrapped whilst I've been off work).
So there we go, I've been unwell for four days, no emergency doctors appointment, no stalking my local walk in and no seeking reassurance.
Another lesson learnt in living!
Xxx

[brucealmighty]

its fantastic to read your posts, I`ve been in a dreadful state years ago with HA literally in a constant state of panic monitoring my pulse, breathing, toilet visits, what I ate, drank, vitamins taken etc etc, very much like an old act spinning plates until the inevitable crash.

its an absolute tonic to read your posts and I believe it will help a lot of other people in a bad way from health anxiety

I have had actual man flu, no seriously, and like yourself its almost been encouraging to realise my body still works despite the record breaking amounts of snot and general congestion!

keep up with those walks and noticing the wonders of life, I can`t say I`m cured yet but I can get up each day and truly appreciate life which is incredible compared to ten years ago. once you realise anxiety is all the illness you`ll ever need, it`s like a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders.

take care and best of luck for more walks, more wonder and more fully engaging with this life

[Traceypo]

Thank you Bruce, it's been a long time coming. I fully understand why HA shows similarities to OCD as looking back I can see the obsessive thought patterns.
Not that long ago I convinced myself I had a tumour in my throat and couldn't swallow a paracetamol! I was on first name terms with all staff at my gp practice and looking back perhaps they shouldn't have been as accommodating to me as they fed my demons more (however they have a responsibility to me so I can see both sides).
There's a little boy close to me locally who is most likely not going to see next Christmas, that's perspective enough for me as every photo in the news or social media shows a grin on his face, at my 'worst' I couldnt grin. I now know that if I was to ever get that diagnosis or that bad news, I want to have the grin, I don't want to waste what time I have left dwelling on a wasted life.
Good luck in your recovery, xxx