My husband is depressed and I don't understand depression....Please help!

[livefree83]

Hello,

My husband is depressed and I believe he has major depressive disorder. The depression originates from anxiety (which I completely understand because I have panic disorder) but then turns into a deep depression. I don't know how to get him out of it. He is upset because a lot of things did not go his way and he is resentful towards people. He states he hates people because they are all out to get him and are only bothering with him to benefit themselves. He is a musician and has been led on by other musicians and they have failed him by the band not being successful. He also cannot hold down a job because he is either "too slow" or cannot relate to people or cannot work under pressure. He also gets ridiculed by other people because he cannot perform the way they think he should because of his anxiety and depression. I have bipolar mania which once the manic episode is over leads to a mild form of depression where I want to sleep all the time and feel motivated not to do anything. It is very mild. What he is going through is scaring me because he will not pull out of it and is very resentful towards people and very angry. Can you please explain depression and how to help someone get out of it. I feel horrible because I never experienced SEVERE depression so I cannot help him. The only thing I can do is try to prevent anxiety (which I am very experienced at having) to try to prevent his depression from kicking in. Thanks

[LouiseHannah]

The obvious question here is has he been to the doctor? There are also many support groups for this kind of thing for both you and him. Having depression and anxiety at the same time is terribly difficult because you're constantly on edge and feel too down to try to stop any of it so I imagine it's rather a bit like drowning in his own head at the moment. C the thoughts he's having are because of his depression, anger is a secondary emotion there's something else behind it causing the anger, he probably doesn't mean what he's saying. If you can talk to him, try and discuss going to your doctor because they may be able to refer him for CBT or just someone to talk to. I hope this helps on some level x

[Fishmanpa]

My 1st wife suffered from SDD which manifested itself into hoarding. It was years before I finally had enough and left. It was a very, very difficult decision as we had two young children and while it was for the best, it was hurtful and sad for all involved.

I won't get inot the details but the straw for me was her basically giving up on herself and us by refusing to get help. I finally had convinced her to go to couples therapy. After two sessions the counselor wanted to see us separately. She went two more times and quit. She also refused meds. I knew then it was over :( Had she persisted and continued and worked to get better things might have turned out differently.

I learned a lot about depression during that time. One thing I read stayed with me through the years. Depression is like falling through the air, having wings to fly but just not being able to open then to stop the falling. It's like being in quicksand, holding onto a rope but not having the inner strength to pull yourself out. Learning and reading served me well in my own life as I was able to recognize it in myself and sought treatment after a some serious health issues.

With you suffering from mental illness as well, it has to make the situation even more challenging at times I'm sure.

The only thing I can suggest is both of you getting help together or separately if needed.

[penedawn]

You can't fix other people, but you can change what you have been doing. That alone can change others oddly. Musicians by nature are a strange breed, he has to find his own way. He is suffering but to find out about it may not help you, you can't help much. Take off for the day, or weekend. You go for a talk, if he wont. Start to learn a dance you don't know. Listen carefully and nod, not for too long or you buy into the illness. Anger is not something you have to deal with, go deaf, read, talk about something else and then go out. All too much? Does he drink too? Go to Al Anon for you and he might go to AA. No easy fix with this. But don't forget he is the creative one and is just using it the wrong way. You go to an art class and have a giggle with your mates or you will go down the same root he is. Not understanding about depression sometimes is a boon.

[livefree83]

Thanks for all of your advice and information. Thankfully he has pulled out of it and is doing much better. All I can do is be there for him. Since we both have a mental illness if anything, I feel it makes us a stronger couple and if we can get through this we can get through anything together. He also has bad anxiety and when we go through it together, I know it sounds crazy but I feel it makes us stronger because we are both there for each other. I know I can't change him but I will be there for him no matter what and accept who he is.