Feel awful just want to be happy

[dizzielizzie]

Hi I'm 24 years old, been suffering with anxiety since I was little, and its got worse and worse over the years. I used to worry about my mum dying or my Dad beating my mum, and then she died when I was 11. Then my Dad re-married and they both physically and mentally abused me. I was also bullied at school because I comfort ate and was overweight so I started being buliemic at 12, tryed to committ suicide on a number of occasions (got stomach pumped and so on!) Ran away from home at 16 and met a boyfriend and got into taking speed and e's coke and smoked weed I also started smoking a lot of cigerettes. I also started binge drinking. I had finally felt loved, as I was overwhelmed by the feeling pills and coke etc gave me. It made me not care, it made me feel great and loved!! The clubbing scene was everything to me, I was out my face all the time, but it kept my weight off, and I was really popular, the party animal!!! I thought "why the hell are drugs illegal, there fantastic, I'd never felt happier!!"

But the come downs and the hangovers got worse, I'd stay in bed all day, crying! I would go to work the day after clubbing and feel people looking at me and saying fat, or slag! Really freaked me out. If I'd done something mad the the night before like snogged a girl mate or gone back to a blokes house and not remembered anything I'd worry constantly. Lots of bad things happened to me, but I just couldn't stop binge drinking or taking drugs! (By the way I never went near crack or heroin, though there probably just as bad, but I don't agree with injecting!)

Anyway, its 8 years on and my new fella has got me off taking recreational drugs and I've gone 1 month without smoking or drinking, because I was getting abusive and tried to comitt suicide on lots of occasions on alcohol. Also I can't be buliemic as my partner is soooo disappointed in me when I do make my self sick. I love him so much and he is everything to me. He helps me control my life. But thats crap, I'm crap, I want to be happy and control my life! And then the worries come back panics, horrible thoughts that I'll lose my mates or him, hate saying it as well in case I jinx anyone!!! Why can't I be happy or stop crying. Thats why I get suicidal, it won't stop, I'm really really trying hard to help myself but the feeling are too great.

Started citalopram on Monday to help me get through my last six months in my nurse training. My panic attacks are out of control, they come on in shops, in queues, in restaurants, at university because I get paranoid and think someone is being funny with me or looking at me thinking horrible things. I think my mates don't like me anymore or talk about me. I lie in bed worrying about everything until I cry.

I mean last night was awful, I'd had a bit of a fall out with my younger brother because I had told him and his girlfriend that I didn't like the way he treated her and thought it wasn't nice to have him argueing in front of me and my partner (Because my brother mentally abuses her and she just takes it) and they sent snotty text messeges to me. My partner tried to explian to me to not care, but I couldn't. I hate it! I can't stand people not liking me. Even if I don't like them!! I'm constantly negative, but try and make myself think positive but can't!

Ok I'm going to shut up and take some deep breaths as my heart is pumping too fast and I can't stop crying!

Lizzie x

[Alexandra]

Hi Hunny

You are not crap or a horrible person you have just been through alot in your life & now as you say you have a lovely boyfriend who is helping you & generally being there for you & you have joined this forum so we can help you out too with advice & support.

So you can say bye bye to the lows you have gone through & look forward to the highs in the help & support thats offered when you have a bad day.

Im on the same tablets that you have just started taking & it does take time to adjust to them but you will & they are good from my point of view so you are on the right track there

Keep positive & your chin up.

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[Paddington]

hey lizzie,what a very brave young woman you are!You have been thru soo much[i had some abuse as a child so kinda know where you comin from]the need to be liked gets me onto some right pickles too!It's very common tho,when you read more posts you will dicover that one!I think you are doin so well lizzie,training to be a nurse etc,many people wouldt have had the courage to completly turn their lives around as you have!So be proud of yourself!As 4 your brother and his girlfriend,sweetie you cant put everything right for everyone,you will hurt yourdself in the process[bin there done that!]they must live their own life.if she cant take your advice and see you are worried for her then dont waste your energy.we all here for you .love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Karen]

Hi Lizzie

I think you have done so well to cope with so much and to come as far as you have already. Abuse of any kind has a great impact on self-esteem and I think the fear of people leaving or being rejected is entirely understandable.

The medication will take a few weeks to start to take effect so try to give it some time.

Have you had any therapy to help you deal with what you've been through?

You've done so well to get off the drugs and stop drinking. I currently have an eating disorder and have recently started treatment for this. None of these issues are easy to deal with alone.

You'll get a lot of support here.


Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Keitharcher]

Hi Lizzie

Well you have been through a lot, now you have seen the way out and are taking it. Just keep believing that you are right, start being a little sefish and making time to sort your problems out and not others. Dont let what you think others are thing about you worry you, its what you think of yourself that counts. Hope you get out of the woods soon

Keith

[dizzielizzie]

Oh my god, the panic attacks are non stop, I just want to cry!

I'm scared to go for a meal with my partner for his mums birthday with all the family. I freak and can't get my breath, when my boyfriend told them, I'm sure they don't believe me, as I've not gone out a few times becuse of it. Don't know wot to do. Can't do familys don't like being round too many people without getting drunk and its a meal~! I only started going out for meals a year ago!

I'm a mess!
Lizzie x

[andrew england 2]

I dont mean to be negative about citalopram here but, having had advice through this forum I went to my gp and I rejected the proposal to put me on citalopram and asked instead for the newere version called escitalopram which supposedly has fewer side effects and is supposed to be faster acting and more effective. I was also advised to start on a low dose and work it up once again advice thru the forum (cheers chop) and so far god willing I have had no noticeable side effects and though it is probably just my imagination I feel like i have had an improvement already after just 4 days and god willing it will continue.

I may be just having a respite from my troubles but then again if it is the escitalopram then its about time citalopram and starting on a high dose was consigned to history and that the newer version is prescribed instead.

Here is the link to the newer med if ur interested

http://www.lexapro.com/default.aspx

But even if u cant switch to the newer med now u have started the older one dont worry too much, they both do the same thing so i have heard, so u will be ok soon.

best wishes lizzie
andrew

[KFox]

Yeah, I was put on Citalopram by my GP in late January, but the morning I took my first tablet I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I ever had. I knew it was the drugs that were the cause, so I went off them the day I started on them, and went back to St John's Wort. I'm doing better these days, but I don't think prescription drugs work for everybody.

Maybe the Citalopram did me more harm because I'm only 18.