Possible OCD - Immense fear of Suicide triggering panic attacks

[KellyElizabeth92]

Hi everyone - I apologise in advance if this issue has already been addressed but I am so scared and I just need to talk to people who have been through it.

December 2016 I lost my Grandma. She was my life and I miss her everyday. February 2017 I lost my other Grandma. And now all I can think about is dying and suicide but that's the scary thing - I don't want to die at all and I most certainly do not want to kill myself so why am I having these awful thoughts?! They are terrifying me and i worry that my brain works me into such a frenzy and mental state that I would be capable of acting on them.

I have a brilliant life - a lovely boyfriend, a strong family around me, my own business and university. So why do I feel like this? I don't feel sad or depressed. I am currently having a panic attack that has been on and off since last night 10:30pm and it is now 7:20pm the following night. Im exhausted.

Could it be a form of OCD that is triggering my anxiety?
Please can someone reassure me, I'm so scared 😢 thank you in advance x

[Clydesdale Epona]

It's the fear of the unknown just like with anxiety over anything like a disease ect, i'm the same on bad days, i know i don't want to die but i can't help but panic that maybe one day things will just get that bad i will, but that's illogical, its just a thought and it can't be proven. i don't know much about it but i think it borders on intrusive thoughts? i know how worrying it is but its still unlikely to happen trust me x

All the best

[KellyElizabeth92]

Thank you for your reply 😁

Yeah I think thats all they are - Ive managed to read up on other people who had intrusive thoughts and people never act on them so thats reassuring. Im going to go see the Doctor about getting some help for this OCD if that's hat it is.

Thanks again

[perry12]

Hi Kelly

Sorry to hear about what you are going through!

I would advise that if your off to see your doctor for help, to try therapy before any medication. Medication can't rid you of your thoughts, it would perhaps just make it easier to deal with them, however.. I was put on medication by my GP for generalised anxiety before offered any therapy and I had not suffered with OCD until starting an SSRI which gave me insane intrusive thoughts and high anxiety/OCD.

ERP and CBT is the way forward. Knowledge is power

[KellyElizabeth92]

Thanks for the reply!

I'm currently on the waiting list for telephone CBT but I think the list is quite long so I don't know what to do in the meantime. I just need to know I'm not going crazy - I don't want to hurt myself :(

What is EPR?

[perry12]

ERP stands for exposure and response prevention which is the number one method of treatment for the symptoms which you are experiencing. It does fall under the CBT umbrella so they will more than likely go through this when you get your appointment.

If you can afford to go private, that may be a good option for you and then its easy to go back for top up sessions if you ever need any. The private route can be expensive. If you work, I know some (very few) employers offer therapy to all employees and pay for their treatment, that is another option if offered at your workplace.

Have faith you will get better, I had the exact same thoughts, they plagued me, I thought there was no recovery and here I am now, I never have them thoughts anymore or no more than a normal person and they just pass in seconds.

Have a search on youtube for Mark Freeman, he talks about ERP in detail and has fully recovered, you will find some huge relief watching some of his videos, its a good starting point!

[KellyElizabeth92]

Thank you for your reply

Its gives me hope knowing that people have gone through the same and have come out better on the other side of it all. At the moment though, it just doesn't feel like that. It's making me feel so down, but not to the point where I want to end my life because of it .. . I really don't so I just can't understand these thoughts :/

[perry12]

You have been through some traumatic events losing close family members. Episodes like this affect everyone differently but an anxious reaction is very normal! .. Your mind has probably just put things in to perspective that you have a nice life that your happy with but with family passing, it shows how quickly you can lose it. Now anxiety being anxiety is going to pick on what hurts the most and for you, it is the idea of losing everything and you know how easily it could be done, which is where these suicidal thoughts come in.

Your not going to act on any of these thoughts, the fact your petrified of them shows that you are completely 'normal' .. you just need help removing the flag from these thoughts so your mind doesn't keep throwing them at you. Everyone in the world has at some point had a self harm intrusive thought, most people wont even remember them because they pass so quickly but an anxious mind would cling on to a thought like that and examine it, before you know it thats all your thinking about.

Following CBT / ERP will help correct your thinking and remove the fear from those thoughts which will then reduce their frequency

[KellyElizabeth92]

Thank you so much for your kind and reassuring words 😊 I'm hoping I can start therapy soon. What your saying makes complete sense and it is the logical way to think. I keep telling myself it's all down to grief as well ....

I'm guessing grief + anxiety is a whirlwind! But I'm trying to stay positive - this forum helps me so much in knowing I'm not alone. Thank you again 😊

[Deckard]

Hello KellyElizabeth92,

I'm kind of late joining this discussion, but I just wanted to give you a bit of reassurance. I also had intrusive thought about self-harm and suicide. It was very disconcerting to say the least, it went so far that I even avoided items and actions which could be used to harm me (putting away knifes and scissors, avoiding crossing bridges and so on). The other people who replied are completely correct in saying that you won't do it because you are terrified of it. People who do want to commit suicide don't fear it, they see it as liberation. Also, it fits perfectly with my health anxiety: fear of dying. I don't want to die, and I'm scared that either disease or a momentary lapse of reason may kill me.

I am better now, the intrusive thoughts are mostly gone. I am on medication though, but I think it was a combination of feeling calmer due to the medication and the realization how unreasonable the thoughts are that made me better. Also joining this forum helped a lot.

You will get better.


--deckard