what is wrong with me

[dancerja77]

I am going to try to make this as easy to understand as possible.

I am trying to pinpoint my issues so I can get some help.

I am 23, I am in my 5th year of college, I work 50 hours a week, I am a full time student as well. It’s HARD.

I started having panic attacks at age 11. Nothing significant happened, no trauma, it just started. I used to have anxiety about food, and I would be extremely afraid of vomit (still am) I wouldn’t eat in public. It’s important to note that my anxiety comes and goes.

As I got older, my anxiety subsided. Until I turned 20. I was dating a man- a boy, that abused me. Emotionally. I was name called, controlled, yelled at, and manipulated. I changed my whole personality for him. I was afraid to see anyone in public because he would get mad if I spoke to them. I lost 10 pounds, I was NOT myself. (I am wondering now if I ever got over it) So I became obsessed with not doing anything “wrong.” Not thinking about anyone else besides him, I used to “confess” all my “wrongdoings” to him everyday. This caused EXTREME intrusive thoughts, which I would confess and this would make him even more mad at me. This was so emotionally draining. We broke up July 2015, and I met my current boyfriend in November. He is the complete opposite of this past relationship, suffers from Anxiety himself.

Bring this up to current day.

I feel like I have OCD. I get fixated on random things and I can’t control it. I worry and check things over and over again. I feel like I have to check, get support or reassurance from someone, or I will have extreme anxiety.

I have an EXTREMELY guilty complex. I feel like if I do anything “wrong” I can’t handle it. I googled some answers for an online test the other day, and I am still beating myself up about it. I want to be able to LET STUFF GO!!! I also have a memory of me being like 9-10 and rubbing up against my 3 year old brother in a pool. I have no idea what really happened, and I know I was a kid, and I can’t judge my present stuff for my childhood actions, but I feel so guilty about it. I want to be able to let all the “stuff” from my past GO.

Lately I have become extremely irritable. I get annoyed easily, I don’t want to be around anyone. I want to be alone. I get angry at my boyfriend, or others at the drop of a hat. I was prescribed Zoloft, but I am so scared to take it. I don’t want to be reliant on a medicine, but I am about to have a breakdown. I just don’t know what my issue is. I don’t feel happy, and I don’t know what to do.

I want to be able to not feel guilty 24/7. I don’t want to feel sad or guilty around my family for childhood stuff. I don’t want to be angry and scream at people.
My sister is bipolar/anxiety/depression, my aunt is bipolar and has depression, my brother has extreme anxiety/ OCD tendencies. Which I just blamed on myself for when we were kids. Now I am really worried….

[Pegi21]

Hey, I am new to this site but reading your post struck a cord with me. In particular fixations/moods. At the moment I am in the process of moving in with my boyfriend & we are decorating rooms in advance of my moving in due to my Gad and I am fixated on this to which all my thoughts are controlled on, thinking when will it be finished, how quickly can I get him to do this. All just to relieve the OCD /anxiety it's causing me.

Unfortunately he doesn't understand and thinks I'm nagging him. The good thing with you is that your boyfriend will understand better as he is a sufferer himself. Today I had a hard day with anxiety, as I had neurology hospital appointment in the afternoon, which all morning my anxiety had built up to the point that I thought I was going crazy. I was quick tempered, angry, frustrated at those around me. When I'm like this, I feel I am best to be left alone and come around on my own terms but it's very difficult to get others close to you to understand you at that time.

I carry guilt too which I have carried around with me for years. I don't know why I feel guilty as the people involved don't think anything of it, like getting really drunk at my brothers 18th party, he is now 33. Or if I make a mistake at work, it takes me days before I can accept it and move on from it.

I don't take medicine because of my Gad and the possible side effects it may cause me. I struggle with this by myself too with no medical help either. Life with Gad is so frustrating though because no one understands why you are the way you are, even if you try to explain it, they will never understand it. Like today I was off the wall because of hospital, moving & just felt no one had any consideration for me today and my boyfriend txt me I hope your not going to be like this all the time. It made me angry & sad and when I feel like that I either take myself off in the car or clean everything in site to distract me. Maybe you should try that and see if it works for you. I feel insane sometimes, I think it's a part of Gad, which in time we will learn to accept. Good luck x