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Thread: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not sure

  1. #11

    Re: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not

    I've been down this rabbit hole and it is AWFUL, not because I minded being gay, but because I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I was. For me, the constant questioning, analyzing, and lack of connection to my inner voice was the surest sign that anxiety rather than a sexual crisis was afoot.


    One thing that really helped me was that I stopped trying to figure it out. I was so preoccupied with the label and the question that I couldn't really get underneath the questioning to my own answer. Plus, I think most of this stuff is on a spectrum anyways. It must be really hard to figure out if you do feel asexual or less inclined to experiment physically, but I'm sure you will get there eventually.



    If it helps, my final answer was this - I'm drawn to men physically and for romantic companionship. That said, there seems to be some part of me that is physically attracted to the idea of women, but not to sexually being with them, if that makes sense. I have lots of gay friends, have had lots of opportunities to explore the horizon, and I guess I'm just not inclined to go that route. So, straight with some fantasy-based curiosity?

  2. #12

    Re: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not

    Thanks @daedalus and @mynameisterry

    Quote Originally Posted by Daedalus View Post
    Hey YouWillWin

    Ah, so it's anxiety leads to preoccupation which leads to viewing because of the associations with sporadic arousal when you were younger and then first orgasms.
    Spot on! Only thing I'll add to further clarify is that those associations were not only there from when I was younger- viewings occurred here and there up until the anxiety occurred. When the analyzing began and then anxiety ( because of not having a clear understanding on sexuality and feeling like I was going through an identity crisis) I started focusing a lot on lesbian themes in my head and overanalysing and because of past associations and arousal patterns with lesbian erotic movies the preoccupation with lesbian themes, due to anxiety, resulted in viewing lesbain porn and then it was during this time in the past 2 years that led to my first orgasms thinking about making out with with a imaginary woman sexually and then going deeper down the rabbit hole of what felt like a porn addiction

    I realized I was not accessing lesbian porn healthily. The only reason I wont call it addiction is because I have only had this porn problem whenever I have anxiety over my sexual orientation. When I do not have anxiety over my sexual orientation, the desire to view porn or fantasize about women goes away. Because I believe in the brain working in such as a way as "what fires together, wires together" I do feel there is a susceptibility to want to view lesbian content due to my history and the release of dopamine and so forth but the reason I know its not addiction is the desire to view such content is really small. Its always been that way and the times Ive noticed an increase in such a desire to view lesbian porn has directly been related to the times I have been anxious. It creates a "I need a hit" as opposed to "I need to test to make sure I am not aroused by lesbian content" as is the case with HOCD Sufferers so its slight more complicated in that way and actually ahs made me reluctant to talk about my anxiety and how it led to a preoccupation with lesbian thoughts and how that led to viewing of more lesbian porn because I have been paranoid of my issue being confused as HOCD.

    Yes, I do feel asexual probabally not even worth saying hetromatic because whilst I am attracted to the opposite gender, the attraction is not strong enough to motivate me to be in any relationship or desire physical or romantic intimacy. I recognise this can change but based on those who've known me for the past 30 years, my odd ways hasnt changed one bit lool.

    My mind zooms into that tiny bit of uncertainty caused by others feedback: Other forum users have said me only orgasming to women and not men is a strong indication, others have noted my long history pattern
    with lesbian sexual content and someone have said that straight people (and I want to be clear that I do not care to be straight at all anyway)
    may fantsize whilst watching porn but do not switch the porn off then fantasize after. I truly think in all 30 years of my life because I have no real world experience and never thought or studied about sexuality I was left with "okay, I don't know why I cant orgasm thinking of men other than its harder to imagine what it would feel like due to different biology but if I am bi/lesbian, which is cool why am I not experiencing real world attraction around real women in flesh"? I had so many questions like "so bisexuality includes those of us who have fantasies we do not desire to act out and only occur after we watch lesbian content and then switch it off to fantasize?". And because it was hard finding answers like this from an expert on the subject online, I naturally turned to forums and was hoping for some clarity and off course this led to several back and forth and only further confusion.
    I don't know why my mind is not okay with not having answers to the questions forum users gave me. This is less about my identity to be honest as it is a quest for continually having answers for everything.

    It is ironic that 2 years ago I decided I wanted to analyse my life for self development purposes and it was this analysis that ultimately despite having good intention ended up pulling me into a very dark road.

    @mynameisterry I hope this post clarifies a few things in regards to your last post particularly the relationship between my anxiety and porn/fantasies. Its hard for me to really see this as an OCD issue as there is no fear attached to it. The compulsion is definitely there in terms of new questions for analyzing popping up just when I think I have clarity on everything and the need for reassurance. But ultimately isnt OCD about fear? Mine is definitely an issue of needing concrete answers to make sense of the feedback. I think thats why I haven't thought of my issue as an OCD.

    ---------- Post added at 09:48 ---------- Previous post was at 09:36 ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by AnxiousinCali View Post
    I've been down this rabbit hole and it is AWFUL, not because I minded being gay, but because I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I was. For me, the constant questioning, analyzing, and lack of connection to my inner voice was the surest sign that anxiety rather than a sexual crisis was afoot.

    If it helps, my final answer was this - I'm drawn to men physically and for romantic companionship. That said, there seems to be some part of me that is physically attracted to the idea of women, but not to sexually being with them, if that makes sense. I have lots of gay friends, have had lots of opportunities to explore the horizon, and I guess I'm just not inclined to go that route. So, straight with some fantasy-based curiosity?
    Thank you so much for replying to this post, its so great to know others have been where I am. It is AWFUL.

    For me its weird in that I am not questioning how I feel around actual people, I just know I am asexual because of the opportunities I've had too date/be with someone and in those very real moments knowing deep down that it wasnt a case of the person not being attractive enough, not being lovely enough, not being amazing enough, there was just no desire at all sexually and then because I can feel romantic attraction to men but because that desire is too small for me to enter into a relationship and everything that comes with it, I know that being on my own is my truth.

    The issue for me though has been analyzing deeply the feedback of others and then wondering well which label applies to me then? You know. Its a label issue. Some have said I am bisexual or a lesbian, which is fine but its like okay are other people calling themselves bi/lesbian based on fantasy and orgasm history (only being able to orgasm to thoughts about women and not men)? So its not really figuring out what my real feelings are around actual people but more so which label applies to me considering both my reality and my fantasy//orgasm history, you know? Its like figuring out what others are using to base their sexual orientation on? How much does a fantasy life/orgasm history override real life feelings when self identifying? When choosing a label and a way to self identify, does fantasies/orgasms that do not crossover to real life matter? I think this is the crux of my concerns.

    I hope I am making sense haha but thanks again.

  3. #13

    Re: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not

    My mind zooms into that tiny bit of uncertainty caused by others feedback: Other forum users have said me only orgasming to women and not men is a strong indication, others have noted my long history pattern
    with lesbian sexual content and someone have said that straight people (and I want to be clear that I do not care to be straight at all anyway)
    may fantsize whilst watching porn but do not switch the porn off then fantasize after. I truly think in all 30 years of my life because I have no real world experience and never thought or studied about sexuality I was left with "okay, I don't know why I cant orgasm thinking of men other than its harder to imagine what it would feel like due to different biology but if I am bi/lesbian, which is cool why am I not experiencing real world attraction around real women in flesh"? I had so many questions like "so bisexuality includes those of us who have fantasies we do not desire to act out and only occur after we watch lesbian content and then switch it off to fantasize?". And because it was hard finding answers like this from an expert on the subject online, I naturally turned to forums and was hoping for some clarity and off course this led to several back and forth and only further confusion.
    In my view, none of those things are remotely reasons for thinking you might be gay.

    1. It simply isn't true that orgasming to women, rather than men, indicates you're gay. If you've been told this in a lgbt forum, it's likely because people are generalizing from their own experience. But they're all gay so of course it's true for them! It's Karl Popper and white swans (Google it if you don't know it). You don't prove that all swans are white by counting white swans. You've got to look for black swans, because one black swan falsifies the proposition that all swans are white. Similarly you don't prove that exclusively gay fantasies means you're gay by looking at what gay people fantasize about. You've got to look at what straight people fantasize about. And straight women fantasize about other women, sometimes exclusively about other women.

    2. The long history isn't relevant, because straight women fantasize about other women, sometimes exclusively and sometimes exclusively over their entire sexual lives. (If a person is turned on by the thrill of the forbidden, for example, or by that which they wouldn't do in their real life, then...).

    3. Of course straight people sometimes watch porn to get aroused, and then switch it off to fantasize afterwards. Doesn't everybody do that (at least sometimes)?

    The final bit - why can't you orgasm thinking of men - only becomes relevant if you think that because you're straight you ought to be able to orgasm thinking of men. But that doesn't follow. I've had straight women partners whose fantasies have been exclusively about women. (I think I remember one of them saying that men weren't quite soft or gentle enough to work in her imagination, but in the real world the harder edges of men were good because of her feelings of love, etc., for the person).

    Anyway, there's definitely no reason to suppose you're anything other than straight (and largely asexual). That might change, of course, but you've been misled those other forums.

  4. #14

    Re: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not

    Thank you Daedalus for your time and insight. It really helped I do think you have a very valid point in regards to lgbt forums and their feedback (not always at all) coming from their own personal perspective. I get that, its a very human thing to do but not always the most helpful when someone like me comes alone with a very bizarre fantasy/real world feelings disconnection and looking for a more of a objective feedback. Can't thank you enough for all the help. I have quite a way to go to settle these 2 years of non stop ruminating and get better but I have hope.


    Quote Originally Posted by Raindrops View Post
    I apologise if my reply is quite short, but I wanted to let you know that I share your same sexual preferences. I however didn't gain an anxious attachment to my orientation so there was no questioning. But I thought it might help if I share how I label myself. I just say, "I am romantically attracted to men, but sexually attracted to women."
    Absolutely no need to apologie raindrops, I appreciate the time you have taken to reply and share both insight and your journey. Thank you!

    You are free to not reply (don't want to take up you or anyone's time here as the support from all has been so very helpful) but if you do have time, a few things:

    -Do you feel attraction to real women in flesh?
    -If you are sexually attrcated to women, what is the cause for you not wanting a sexual relationship? Is the desire for a same sex sexual relationship there?


    I ask because I am just trying to gauge how similar our stories and also because:

    1: I am not and have never felt any attraction to real women in flesh at all so the fantasy aspect would need to be emphasised if I chose a bisexual label because I am not and have never been attracted to real women, saying I am sexually attracted to women would give an indication to others that I was attracted to real women, since I am not so the fantasy would definitely need to be emphasised so to remain true to myself and how I define myself to others so I do not confuse other people as to who I am and who I am attracted to when around real people (not thoughts). There's no moral code or shame that is holding me back from experimenting with women, it really is the good old case of thinking of women that when presented in real form is not attractive and not arousing.

    2: My fantasies can only occur (and this has been a long pattern) if I first watch porn/erotic content. I am now on a no porn/erotic movie journey and as has always been the case without erotic content my fantasies are not there. The desire to even think of women has always needed a sexual video as stimulus. I imagine quitting will mean my fantasies of making out with a woman sexually will leave permanently so I am not sure about self identifying as "sexually attracted to women" will be authentic to my truth. It seems now in quitting watching lesbian sexual (just like all those years when I didn't watch lesbian stuff online) both my inner and outer world is fully aligned in that I no longer have any thoughts about women and only a small portion of my mind thinks of men, which reflects how it is in real life (attraction to men but very low desire to actually ever do anything about that attraction). Granted its been less than a week but I know quitting lesbians sexual content online is easy for me so long as I do not dwell on my sexual orientation.

  5. #15

    Re: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not

    Thank you Raindrops, your reply has helped me out. I figure everyone is different. For me, since the fantasies do not crossover to how I feel around actual people in flesh and since never finding a woman attractive in real flesh form, I feel confident in leaving it out of my sexual identity but I appreciate that for some their fantasies do play a part in their sexual identity and that's cool too.

    I forgot in my initial post to include this question that was also bothering me for some time but I guess I didn't want to overwhelm others with my questions and this is my last one:
    Basically for over a year and a half the sexual fantasies I have revolve around a specific imaginary woman every-time. So she basically looks the same and its the same woman I am making out with in all my fantasies. Thing is, when I am around actual woman in flesh that look similar to the imaginary woman I feel no attraction or desire at all. I guess I am wondering is having specific fantasies of a imaginary woman the same time every-time for over a year is indicative of something despite no real world attraction to the those who look very much like the imaginary woman?

    Sorry if this is a silly question especially since all the feedback I got but my mind is still in a very fragile state having spent 2 years putting it under stress due to the confusion caused by various feedback. To be honest, I am not sure at this point if this is a compulsion question or a reasonable one. My mind just zones in on stuff really hard to make sense of it all.

  6. #16

    Re: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not

    Hey YouWillWin

    A straight woman friend of mine once told me that when she fantasized about women it was always with a specific type/person.

    Not a silly question, but your forensic examination of the details of your imaginary world does I think suggest a compulsive element to all this.

    You've never, not once, ever, fancied or desired a woman in real life. In the real world, you've not been aroused or attracted by a woman; you've not developed obsessional thoughts surrounding a particular woman; you've not developed a crush on a woman (which is a perfectly normal thing in straight women); you're not frustrated by a lack of female company; you don't fantasize about being romantically involved with a woman; etc; etc.

    What does this tell you?

    My view, which doesn't count for anything, I realise, is that you should just carry on enjoying your occasional fantasies, very occasional if you're not accessing porn, and accept them for what it seems overwhelmingly likely they are - just normal fantasies.

  7. #17

    Re: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not

    You opinion means a lot, thank you so much daedalus, really words are not sufficient to describe just how brilliant you have been
    I feel like I am coming to a slow end to this confusion. Maybe I just needed to read diverse opinions on this subject to feel confident in what I already know as my truth.

    Really don't want to take up anymore of your time but just wanted to say though that I did have a few (maybe 2-3) romantic fantasies last year of being in a romantic relationship with a female athlete and a female actress. It was weird because no I do not find these women desirable in that way and don't even follow their social media or anything. They are both lesbians I believe. Anyway, it lasted those few 2-3 times and the fantasies never returned. I figured it was just my curious mind. I just wanted to note that because I know your reference not having romantic fantasies.

  8. #18

    Re: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not

    Again, all this stuff is totally normal (for straight women). It's only taken on any significance because you're anxious about your sexual orientation.

    In order to make the proposition that you are gay even remotely likely you'd need to have some indication outside of the realm of the imagination that you find women sexually desirable, attractive, romantically intriguing, etc. But there is none. Not even normal straight women crushes on women!

    Even if it turned out in 10 years time that you developed feelings for a woman, it *wouldn't* mean that you were gay all along but didn't realise it. (There's evidence to suggest that sexual orientation is more fluid for women than men, more likely to change over time, etc.)

    Right now, there's nothing here to suggest you're gay. Imagination doesn't cut it, because lots of straight women fantasize about women. (Even if we factored out the fact that you don't find women attractive in the real world, Bayes' Theorem would show that a woman drawn randomly from a group of women who fantasized about women would be more likely straight than gay - because lots of straight women fantasize about women, and there are many more straight women than gay women).

    If I've helped at all then that's great.

  9. #19

    Re: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not

    Thanks a whole lot and didn't know about Bayes' Theorem so thanks for that!

    I got it and I assume your use of the word "gay" here includes bisexuality/lesbian? Sorry to be so particular about understanding word choice, my mind is over-analytical.

    That really is my last request for clarification as I am now as of today making a promise to myself to move on from this topic. Its taken 2 years for some context and clarity and I feel more than ever that this is it. I have been looking into whats the underlying reason behind this anxiety and the fear of not being perfect I think sums it up (which for me includes having perfect understanding of everything including this topic of sexual orientation). I have always been a perfectionist I just didn't think this was an example of that problematic problem but nevertheless will work on minimizing this problematic way of thinking so I don't end up leaving the anxiety of sexual orientation and then finding something else to over-analyse and spend another 2 years pondering on.

    I also talked to some asexuals and really they said the same thing as you Daedalus. That its real life feelings that matter and that alot of asexuals can fantasize about whatever but still not feel anything in real life and hence why some choose aromatic and asexual as a label, which perfect sense really as you can't date your thoughts especially if the thoughts are about a made up person.

    In the end I believe asexual hetroromantic works best as a label for me and feels like it really perfectly sums up how I feel around actual people. I may end up just being heterosexual but I don't know at this point in my age as I feel pretty much the same way I've always felt about sexual intimacy and thats "nah, i'm fine". Thank you again for helping me out here. I've really been struggling and just getting to this point of clarity feels like a huge surprise to be honest.

  10. #20

    Re: Is this normal questioning of sexual orientation or GAD/OCD? May be graphic, not

    Yes, bisexual + lesbian.

    And yes, it's real life that counts. Not least plenty of people have fantasies, and sometimes roleplay, etc., about things they'd be horrified if they occurred in real life.

    As you say, who knows what will happen in the future, but asexual heteroromantic certainly fits all the evidence.

    Good luck with it all!

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