Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

Yesterday I had the fuzzy eyesight thing and I don't know whether it was anxiety or hay fever or both!?
Luckily, it didn't affect my walking or make me dizzy, but I kept doing that thing where you scrunch your eyes up to try and make it better when in fact it makes it worse!
All day, I had it.
I'm now complaining It's too hot!
If I go in the garden, I burn and get attacked by those hornet things or those white cabbage eaters that seem to fly at me, not forgetting dodging the worst of all, horse flies.
So, I can't really spend to much time in the garden.
And I am probably making the situation worse by putting up hanging baskets and bedding plants all around the house. It's like I have trapped myself.

Anyway, went out again yesterday, too hot, yeah, I've said that already, fuzzy eyes, but ploughed my way through the day like there's no tomorrow.
I've adapted this attitude now that know matter how I feel or what symptom I have, I go for it anyway. It doesn't make me feel any worse for doing so. Just very exhausting.

Today I am taking the cat to the vets for his annual booster and I dread this more than the cat.
He is very good apart from his psychic powers of knowing where he is going and his reluctance to get in his box, which leaves me shoving his behind in while he clings to the side. But once there, he is good. I just fear his fear and then I feel guilty and have to fuss him more when we get home.

Apart from that, a easier today, we'll hopefully it is.

[pulisa]

Hope you managed to negotiate the cat basket-trapping without too much trauma and that your cat has forgiven you!! I always used to dread that!

[Carnation]

All good Pulisa.
Stupid me turned up half an hour earlier and had to sit patiently. Spat out a load of jibberish rubbish to the girl on reception because I was nervous.
Back home and cat is napping now.

[Magic]

Same as me Carnation. I am in and out of the house. To hot no shade
, sneezing. Sort of in a haze. No energy Eye sight seems hazy.

So glad I have not got any pets . All the best Carnation And pulisa

[Buster70]

Sounds like you are still heading in the right direction and you have a similar attitude to mine in not letting it control you even if it hurts and wipes you out still stick to your plans , the anxiety can fit in around you ( pat on the back for you )
Back to my last message, I became very aware of death at ten years old when a young lad was killed in front of me , I still have very vivid memories of him lying in the rain and woman putting an umbrella over his body , he was six and it turned out he was my school freinds cousin , my granddaughter once pointed out where her dads brother was found in the canal on the way to school and she said " I'll die one day won't i grandad " it broke my heart but I didn't lie I just said " you will but not for a very long time and you don't need to worry about it " .
My mum has been ill before and I did think I'd lose her then so it's always been in the back of my mind especially after my dad went so suddenly, we are never ready for the loss we just think it will never come , I wish I was more able to talk to my mum I see my mates kiss and hug their mums but that's never been the case for us , anyway being morbid again so subject change .
You and magic sound like me , im fair skinned and don't sweat so the sun is a nightmare I'm in and out of the house like a cuckoo clock , if I stay out I burn and feel sick , when I take my t shirt off it looks like I'm still wearing a white t shirt just tanned forearms and neck the bugs don't bother me too much but my daughter runs around arms flailing knocking over her own kids to make an escape from what turns out to be a fly , my advice for avoiding the wasps and bugs is jam , cover mr c in it and sit him on the other side of the garden ( this will also work with Mr M as well magic , desperate situations call for desperate measures , or we could hibernate until autumn

[Carnation]

Magic, I have come to the conclusion that hay fever has the same symptoms as anxiety! Hard to tell them apart.
Apparently there are three types. Trees, grass and plants. Trees are coming to their end of pollinating and grass is in action now. Let's hope our allergies are not all three!
I so enjoy being in the garden, but it is ruining it for me.
Keep those sunglasses on and keep cool. x

[Carnation]

I drove today!!!!!
Although only a couple of miles and with a passenger next to me, it is still a big deal for me as 'driving' is my trigger for panic attacks.
I haven't driven for God knows how long and today I was in a position where I had to and just got on with it.
My O/H has sprained his ankle, so unless I drive, we don't survive.
Obviously we couldn't walk any where because of his injury, so as a necessity I had to drive.
In fact, I did it twice! Once this morning and then again this afternoon.
So that's a total of 4 miles.

I've also being running around for my partner with cups of tea, ice packs, bowls of water and I am quite worn out.

Catching up with stuff. My hay fever was bad yesterday. Coughing, sneezing, hot face, headache, itchy and fuzzy eyes. But, I am pleased to say it is much better today, which is just as well as I have a patient to look after. Oh my, he is moaning so much. Grunting, whinging and if I hear another, "Could you just get me.....", I think I will get in that car and drive somewhere else!
Only kidding. I wouldn't do that. Besides, I am not that confident to drive on my own; yet!

Buster, I can understand why you say that as children that we should be taught about how to deal with death, but I think it is more about losing someone in the family or close friend. To be educated about death as a child could be scary, but coping with losing a mum/dad/brother/sister and so on, should be.
When I was twelve years old I saw my granddad having a stroke through the crack in the doorway. I was only twelve, but I understood what was happening and I got ushered to my bedroom, I was not told that my granddad died that night and wasn't allowed to the funeral. I was very close to my granddad and my mum and dad had no idea that I had seen what had gone on until I was much older.
It's a very sensitive subject and very difficult to deal with. But never underestimate what a child can understand and feel.
Buster, your words to your granddaughter were very wise and thoughtful.
Loss IS extremely difficult to cope with and even understand.
It's not something you can predict. After all, my mum was given her death warrant in her thirties and she lived in to her eighties. A neighbour was given 6 months and it's been ten years on. I don't like the way the medical pros dish out life sentences. In my opinion, it is totally and morally wrong. But, one thing for sure, is loss is so hard on the people that are left behind.

So, we are in yet another B/H weekend and I have no plans.
Just as well with an injured partner.
I'm not a lover of Bank Holidays. It spoils my routine and people come out to play and try to have a good time, but just get grumpy because it is either too hot or too crowded. Shops run out of bread, dress as if they are in Benidorm and basically get pissed while their kids run riot and annoy everyone.
Who's a misery now? Well me, of course.
I'm afraid that anxiety has done that to me or is it my age? I'll settle for both.
So, no plans, but who knows, I may have to do some more driving.
Isn't strange how you can drive or ride a bike even though you haven't done it for ages. This proves how our memory works for us and is exactly the reason why we react to anxiety. Because we work from past experiences.
I have two options for this. Re-wire those bad experiences into good ones or just go for it with a vengeance! Just like I did today.

Until next time.........

[pulisa]

That's a huge achievement, Carnation-really well done!! Sometimes when we are forced into situations without the escalating anticipatory anxiety we can just get on and do things which would seem unachievable in normal circumstances, I think. Maybe it's a good thing that Mr C is unable to drive because now you know that you still can and you don't have to rely on Mr C? I hope his ankle soon settles because you don't want him getting too used to being waited on hand and um foot!

[Senior Moment]

Hi Carnation. Well done on your achievement of driving !!! I am so happy for you. Loved your post yesterday, particularly your comments about bank holidays. I thought it was just me being miserable !! Every man and his uncle seem to come out of the woodwork trying to convince themselves they are having a great time cos its a bank holiday. I too blame the anxiety and am desperately hoping I will improve my outlook as the anxiety subsides. Here's hoping anyway. Anxiety certainly has a lot to answer for doesn't it ??? Take care SM x

[Carnation]

Thanks for the praise on my driving achievement yesterday, Pulisa and SM. xx
I think I may have been over praising myself, because even I bored myself with, "I drove a car today, I drove a car today! More importantly, no panic or anxiety symptoms. I am getting more of the anxiety with my partners foot! He's making me agitated with the constant moaning. I explained that he is finding it difficult because he is not used to being ill. I also told him that having anxiety is like that every day!!!!
Agitation, pain, discomfort, disability and helplessness!
Not exaggerating at all, that's what it is like.
We hide it from most folks, clench our jaw and attempt to live what is supposed to be a normal life with a smile on our face. The times I have been asked, "how are you?". "Fine", I reply, even though I am shaking inside.

SM, we are not in the minority with Bank Holidays. Shopkeepers hate it just as much. For a start, people bulk buy, which is not necessary in this day and age.
I also hope I can be an inspiration to you and others with any of my achievements. I've been in that place of being housebound, bedbound, depressed and lonely.
Never give up hope and as I have said before, any achievement, no matter how small is a proud moment.
Even baking a cake, growing plants from seed, stepping outside your front door, chatting to someone, making a phone call. Achievements do not have to be big.
Although I drove a car yesterday, did I mention that?
I really can't believe it myself. Woke up this morning and thought I'd dreamt it.

Until next time....