Can't look at parents normally again, help!!

[littlemissblue]

Hi all, I am too embarrassed to let anyone know about my thought so I've decided to look for some support here. I was diagnosed with OCD 3 months ago after struggling with intrusive thoughts since Jan this year. I've gotten alot better with loads of self-help and mindfulness techniques but some thoughts just tend to stick around. My thoughts are mainly about others and not so much about myself- it started with my new boyfriend and his past, whether he was a rapist or murderer (of which I have no proof of but yet continues to scare me sometimes). I refused to seek reassurance and was happy when the thoughts don't intrude. I believe the key driving force here is trust, I trust that if he has had such a past I would've known or just simply trust in his character. Well of course I never found proof to support that two statements.

However, I suddenly had an intrusive thought of my parents fingering me when they were changing my diapers as a baby. I got a shock as the image was so graphic. I started to explore various options: maybe they were just curious? Will it be counted as sexual abuse if the intention wasn't there? Has sexual thoughts about me ever crossed their mind? Everything felt so real and possible as each scenario gets more and more specific. I love my parents and they really care for me and are really protective of my sisters and I as well. No history of any abuse. However, I now fear seeing my parents, what if my mind conjures another scenario? What if its real but no one thinks about it and hence no one ever found out? My brain likened it to - if you never questioned that you were adopted but you were, wouldn’t you be living a lie?

I really hope someone can help me out of this, I'm completely stuck in my own mind. Thank you so much for any help!

[gatsby12]

False memories are very common in OCD. It seeks fuel to justify its existence so it creates incredibly distressing false memories to trick you. It takes form in extremely disturbing things. Some people who fear they are a murderer think they experienced some repressed memory and that they killed someone with an axe and so on. You have what I have and that is paranoia which is a component of it. Id recommend that you throw the fears aside and go see your parents anyways since it doesnt want you to. You have to actively resist compulsions and any rituals there or hidden that it gives you if you wanna slowly dismantle it.

[jew2]

I had a meltdown from overdoing exams and other stuff a few weeks ago. Anxiety and shaking to the point of a hospital visit and going on propranolol. Normally pretty manageable and was doing well before. Had intrusive thoughts for years. All themes including violence, sex etc..my latest one is harm of self. Quite a rare one for me. I work with knives and had horrible intrusive thoughts and images of not getting through this time of anxiety and not being able to stop myself cutting myself. Also jumping in rivers, bridges etc..know its the anxiety looking for weakness and challenged it with councillor. But I understand the fear. I was scared to be around knives, still tries to scare me alone at work. Its not us but ocd. Not real. No panic helpline helped me. Silly thing is I would laugh at it when I'm not anxious. Vicious cycle