what therapy is available for sexual abuse?

[ellie_C_mason1990]

Hi everyone
So my anxiety is normally general/health anxiety however I have made leaps and bounds with cbt, meditation and mindfulness to the point I am not worrying about the future at all really anymore and have managed to calm the constant barrage of negative thought processes which is GREAT

But as you are all aware, once you whack the mole down the hole, it comes up from another hole.
My difficulties over the past few days have been a sudden inability to shut out the past. When I was 14 (I'm 26 now) I started seeing a boy who attended the 6th form in my school. I was a very immature 14 year old and was hooked from the word go as it was so amazing that someone older than me paid me any attention. We did not have penetrative sex as I always was very adamant I wanted to wait until I was 16 but I was forced to engage in other sexual acts (as in his hand directed my hand and head) which I was very uncomfortable about. I continued seeing him as I was desperate for attention and loved the excitement as we didn't tell anyone we were seeing each other because of the age difference. He pressured me into sex mentally and physically a few times. I also received a tremendous amount of emotional abuse every time I tried to break it off and because I wasn't taking our relationship seriously (because I wasn't telling my friends or family as I knew they would be worried and because I wouldn't have sex with him)

It's only now with high profile cases of people over 16 engaging in sexual activity with children underage that I have realised that this was against the law (such as that footballer I have forgotten the name of!) I kept a diary throughout and it is clear that I was disgusted with the things I was made to do. It makes a lot more sense when I remember that it took 7 years before I was comfortable enough to engage in any kind of foreplay as it made me too anxious and even now I struggle. He was quite openly seeing other girls too and this contributed to my lack of trust with anyone.

I think It has crawled back into my memory as it is super hot and it reminds me of when we got together as there was a heat wave that summer. It is making me incredibly anxious as I am angry this happened, angry it meant I was robbed of mutually giving sexually relationships (partners afterwards would just not mention it or bring it up and not mention it again as I would burst into tears.) I have spent the past 12 years in the mind set that if I didn't have sex with any man that l liked, I would make them unhappy and I would receive emotional abuse. Until last year, I would find any means possible to drink as much as I could if I knew sex was on the cards so I could cope with the possibility of having to look at a dick (I'm in a happy relationship now and have finally got over my 'dick anxiety' but still struggle to initiate anything.

I would like to seek counselling for this as I feel I've managed to control the fear of the future, now I want to iron out what has happened in the past. However, I am anxious that I will be wasting the counsellor's time as it is not a serious case, I wasn't actually ever raped. And it is not really having much of a negative effect on my sex life currently. I don't really know where to turn, do I seek out a specific sex therapist? I am reluctant to think CBT can help as it isn't to do with my thought processes, I just need some help accepting that it happened. I am a huge advocate of meditation to help acceptance for what is uncertain, but whenever I sit down to meditate to acceptance over this, it's like I am running against a brick wall.

I really really appreciate any thoughts on this anyone might have, I'm at a loss and I can't stop thinking about it.

[Bee84]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I feel you are carrying culpability for those acts and minimizing what he did because you don't want a fuss and feel scared you won't be believed. I understand this. You were groomed then he coerced you then made sure you knew the consequences if you did not comply.

Yes, this is serious. I don't know who you've told but yes it is very, very serious. People are astonishingly ignorant and people who haven't gone through abuse haven't got a clue. Some are amazingly helpful but some just need to shut the f**k up. Maybe if you're comfortable, read other victim stories of abuse and you'll see they have gone through similar and that it was in no way less serious than other abuse and that it could not have been the victims fault at all. Abuse is abuse, forget all you've heard or been told. What does your gut tell you about it?

There is no such thing as less serious incidences of abuse despite what the law dictates. It is what it is. No two sex offenders are the same when they abuse.

Speak to a good therapist and they'll help make sense of it. I personally don't believe a woman is the one who would be initiating sex. I believe men are the pursuers most of the time. Have you called the police on him?

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm really sorry to hear you have been through sexual abuse. That's a very important stage in your emotional growth where you are learning about yourself so this is bound to have the potential to be quite devastating.

First off - what you have been through is important, no therapist or counsellor is going to think you are wasting their time. The fact it's not impacting on your life as much as it could at this stage doesn't mean you aren't entitled to help to deal with these painful memories.

It's really good to hear you have made such progress with your anxiety. Something like this in your past could have held you back but you stuck to the goal of recovery.

Have you had a look at charities for sexual abuse? I would think they would be the best place to go for this as they will be giving the best advice on how to approach this and who through.

Also, I'm sure your GP would be very receptive to getting you to the right service.

[swgrl09]

As others have said, you needn't worry about wasting a counselor's time at all. What you describe sounds like it was traumatic and sometimes we don't realize how our trauma affects us until some of the "other stuff" in our lives calm down - such as you working on your anxiety and health anxiety. I give you a lot of credit for putting in a lot of work already. Mindfulness meditation is so useful for trauma.

It may be helpful to get assessed by a therapist or counselor who can recommend the right treatment for you now. There are many modalities that work with trauma history. EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) is one of the most well-known, although there are other treatments that work just as well such as prolonged exposure, narrative therapy, internal family systems therapy (IFS), etc. It all depends on what works for you.

I think a lot of the strengths you have will take you very far in your recovery

[Catherine S]

You say it wasn't rape, but you were pressured into doing things you were too young and not ready to do. You feel guilty because you wanted to be with him, but as a 17 yr old..I'm assuming if he was a 6th former... he knew what he was asking you to do as a 14 yr old to please him physically wasn't right.

As for counselling, it would definately not be considered wasting anybody's time. If it's affecting your life now, even after 13 years it's important for you to find your way through it mentally. I'm sure it would help you to sort through your feelings about what happened. Your GP may be able to advise you about therpay available in your area.

Take care

[ellie_C_mason1990]

HI everyone. From the bottom of my heart thank you so much for your replies. I am just at the beginning of my journey with this and your kind words and advice have allowed me to begin to accept sense, a different person and objectivity. You are all right that I am down playing it, I do not like fuss but the facts are there. I've contacted the sexual abuse centre in my area and if I don't hear back will try my GP. I will Google meditation for sexual abuse and see if anything comes up.

Bee84- I will look at survivor stories, long shot but have you any idea of a particular site that has stories about non-penetrative abuse? I thought of contacting the police at the time as it was suggested to me by a friend (I told one friend as her friend had seen us coming out my house) but I was very dismissive. I'm not sure I would have enough evidence to prove beyond reasonable doubt... I have the diaries and I'm also going to look at my saved MSN conversations on a computer at my dads and see if there's anything there... I am angry with him but don't want to ruin his life as he nay have changed and worked to be a better person