My husband is dying

[Cptdebbie]

First, I want to warn anyone that might be triggered by hearing about a cancer diagnosis. You probably don't want to read this.

I am a 57 year old female who has struggled with anxiety and depression my entire adult life. About two years ago, I had a string of health scares (one right after the other) and my anxiety became nearly 100% about my health. I finally found a therapist that specialized in OCD and anxiety disorders. I've been seeing her since mid-summer. I had just reached the point where I felt almost normal again, when my husband, who never gets sick, became ill. The stress of the diagnostic odyssey we were on for the next few weeks, and the ultimate discovery that my husband of 38 years has stage 4 lung cancer, has sent my health anxiety spiraling.

Stress always triggers my Health Anxiety, so I am not surprised about how I am feeling. The fact that I have been too busy with doctor appointments and paperwork to do the things that help me deal with stress, is also a contributing factor.

The reason I am writing is that I am hoping you can help me process all this. (I will go to counseling again soon, but I need to get a few more things in order before I can take the time -- my husband is [was] still working so we had to apply for disability pay, etc., etc. The red tape has been phenomenal, and food trumps emotional well being.)

My husband has never worried about his health. Hypochondriac me would ask him about things like his bathroom habits, etc., and he'd say, "I never look," or "I don't pay attention." And, he didn't. Maybe he didn't need to? He has always been incredibly healthy. He hardly ever got sick. If he did, it would last a day at the most. He is 60 years old and until recently has never taken medication on a regular basis. There were no clues about his lung cancer until one day he got so weak he could hardly stand up. Even then, the clues were almost non-existent. It took several doctors several weeks to finally figure out what was happening. (In case you are wondering, he has never smoked a cigarette in his life.) Now, here we are, looking at saying goodbye in 3-6 months, or perhaps a little longer, if a medication called Tarceva does what it is supposed to do.

As I sit here and freak out over every symptom that my hyper-vigilant mind notices, and try to breathe in and out slowly, I can't help but see the irony in the whole situation. Me=anxious and often debilitated over my health worries. My hubby=dying of cancer and at peace.

Here's my question to all of you: Do you ever think about the quality of our lives? Would you rather die because you didn't catch a disease early or from ignoring symptoms, yet spend the time you do have free of anxiety? Or, would you rather continue to stay Uber-vigilant and spend the rest of your life suffering from anxiety? Your life might be longer, but probably not happier. There probably is a middle of the road between the two, but, if you are like me, the problem is with finding it. When do I go to the doctor? When is a symptom legit?

Maybe it's a result of all the grief, trauma, and exhaustion I've been experiencing, but I'm leaning toward the other side of the pendulum. For example: maybe it's okay to decide that I'm going to stop checking the toilet bowl and risk missing blood in my urine. Or, maybe I'm going to decide to stop checking my breasts. I'll let the doctor do it once a year. If I die sooner, at least the time I am alive will be happier rather than filled with doctor visits and debilitating worry.

That's about it for my philosophical ramblings. What do you think?

[WiseMonkey]

Hi

CptDebbie,

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband. A lovely teacher at my school (50 years old) was diagnosed with lung cancer late last year and like your husband never smoked. Her's also took a week or so to diagnose because she was not your typical lung cancer patient. Her's was caught somewhat earlier, she's on oral chemo and her tumour is shrinking. Hopefully this will continue.

You have been hit with a double whammy, your husband's cancer and your HA.

It's awful this HA but I've become a bit more rational about my health as I've aged. I'm 61 now.

As you say a balance is the best, but the chances of illnesses cropping up as we age increases. I think it's important to have the yearly tests, mammograms, smears/HPV tests and a complete blood screen, for a man prostrate and bloods.

I think we have to stay aware and take the right course of action if things don't resolve. Quite difficult to keep the HA at bay though!

My partner is 64 and several years ago had 3 stents put in for artery blockages. He was slim, fit and ate well, but had a familial component plus it was caught early. This has made him more health conscious. He's even cut back on some meds, he has to be careful but it's not life threatening.

Take care x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Debbie,

I'm really sorry to hear your husband's diagnosis. And I hope you both receive all the support the medical system allows for you and any charities you have over there, peer support groups, etc.

As to your question, I know there are cancer survivors on here who will be able to provide their answer, but to me it seems it's better to live a life happy & free than struggling with constant anxiety over things that aren't happened because there could be that one day where they will. Isn't there a middle ground where you can still catch something yet not spend your life in turmoil?

The type of cancer your husband has is one I'm sure you know by now just happens to anyone. It's seen as for smokers but some non smokers sadly get it too. My GF's mum was diagnosed stage 4 and having breathing difficulty and she had never smoked, was an avid countryside walker (club members) and had many years before survived bowel cancer which never returned.

My dad is mid seventies, as is my mum. I'm not a HAer but my GAD & OCD affects me daily and has done for most of 11 years now. I've been through fights with my employer over working conditions until I it became ridiculous and was heading for legal action. My dad has always told me that it's better to live well if it means less financial wellbeing if the trade off is never really living and looking back on yourself feeling like that. He always worked hard to provide for his family, up to 7 days a week and most weeks 6 just as many mums & dad's did from their generation.

What would your husband think? You've been together a long time I'm guessing? Would he want to have spared you all this worry over the years? I bet he would.

I think you are right.

Just to add, my GF's mum lasted longer than that. And during her time she was able to successfully treat her lung cancer which gave her more time where she felt better. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be but she outlasted that first 9 month barrier.

[swajj]

I am so sorry that you and your husband are having to go through such a painful time. I think your HA will abate (at least for the time being) because your focus will be on your husband’s health. I think you should still do your checks because that is the sensible thing for anyone to do. I hope you are having breast mammograms and ultrasounds regularly. There is a huge difference between being sensible about your health and having HA. When I had HA I used to wonder how I would be if I did get diagnosed with a terminal illness. I think I would regret the years I lost imagining I was ill. You don’t want to regret having the precious time you have left with your husband overshadowed by unnecessarily worrying about your own health. Also, if you have children, now more than ever you need to be mentally present for them.

I’m an ex smoker and I would never say that a smoker or an ex smoker is more deserving of developing a terminal illness than a non smoker. However, it is incredibly sad when someone who does all the right things to look after their health develops a serious illness like lung cancer. I have a friend who lost his mother to lung cancer when he was 7 years old and like your husband she had never smoked a cigarette in her life.,

I hope you continue to post here because I think you need that kind of support right now. And please do see a therapist as you are planning to.

[Annaboodle]

I'm so sorry about your husband's diagnosis and what you're going through. I think you're right (with your philosophical ramblings). Anxiety stops you living in and enjoying the present, which I think is where contentment lies. When my HA was at its worst and I was pretty much constantly symptom checking it really wasn't living at all. I wasn't enjoying anything.

In terms of checking and testing, I think there's a balance to be had. The aim for me is what "normal" non HA folks would do - so getting your smears, etc... I find that now I can spot when any excessive checking behaviour kicks in and start to deal with it. But if I had to choose (your post has made me think about things - thank you) I'd choose to live in anxiety-free ignorance, if the alternative was living in the grips of HA.

[goodman]

My thoughts and Prayers are with you and your family. Hang in there and cherish every day you have left. X

[nosrednanagem]

I’m so sorry to hear about your husbands diagnosis. My mom was diagnosed with stage IV nsclc in June. My anxiety have spriled ever since. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers!

[pulisa]

I do so hope the Tarceva buys you both some extra time together.It is such a desperately sad situation for you.
In answer to your question I think the better quality life would be living somewhere in between the extremes of entrenched HA and anxiety-free ignorance. Being aware but not too aware, attending regular screenings and doing all the sensible things about preserving good health without going over the top about it. Cancer can be so random anyway, as your husband's case has proven. It was the same for my Mother. We ultimately can try to protect ourselves but are at the mercy of fate.

Please keep posting on here if it helps you to write down your thoughts and fears and we will do our best to support you in any way we can.

[vicky23]

I'm so very sorry to read this. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
I've got to say your philosophy makes a lot of sense! like Pulisa said we can try to protect ourselves but if it's going to happen, it'll happen.

XXXX

[NervUs]

So sorry you are facing this diagnosis with your husband!

For me, I have often felt like ignorance would be bliss- the awareness that you are dying is the unbearable thing. You are right that the "right" thing is to find a middle ground between living without any concern for health and hyperfocusing on it to such a point that you are miserable and perceive every twinge as pathology. I don't know the magic bullet for getting to that middle ground, and it will probably be difficult in terms of HA as you care for your husband. I am thinking of you...