Is this hocd? Help me, i'm dying.

[marywithanxiety]

Hello, I need help. I'm 19 years old, I'm a woman, and I believe (in fact, I pray) that I have HOCD.
This might be unusually long so I ask for patience and empathy.
Ps. I have a record of an anxiety disorder, in which I took pills for no longer than two months and suspended them myself because my mother could no longer afford it.

It started late August, I was at a sleep over with my best friend, she, more drunk than I was. I don't remember the conversation or why she did what she did, but she kissed me withOUT my permission. (I've never kissed anybody except for child experimentation, which was a boy and a girl, but never really with anything sexual in mind). I was incredibly shocked, and was followed with a crippling depression. I wouldnt get out of bed and would spend all day looking for solutions to ungay myself. Such as: ovaries removal, i read that that lowers your libido, did research on asexuality, and even electroshock therapy, anything that could get me through the night. I would constantly drug myself with natural, earthy anxiety pills so I could sleep and wouldnt think about it.
I was terrified about becoming a lesbian, i would cry myself to sleep.
I would be agoraphobic because i couldnt be in the same room with a woman and id be desperate because i couldnt feel anything for guys like before, and that broke my heart, because i spent 10 years of my life being a hopeless romantic until that night.
I avoided books,movies, songs and literally everything. I wanted to kill myself and I even told my mother. I couldn't keep it to myself, it was too hurtful.
Then, fast forward to New Years, when I usually spend that time at my fathers house. The day after, 10 am to be exact.
I woke up after a night of worrying about the same thing for the millionth time.
I went to hug my father, who was still in bed. I dont know if he was still drunk or not, but he touched me over my clothes, and needless to say, I felt things that I've never felt with a man before. Things I only felt with lesbian porn years before (which is why I was already so paranoid), but I almost felt... okay with it? It's really, really messed up, but at the time, it felt like maybe I wasnt gay at all, and proved that i could feel things for guys sexually.
Few weeks later, the worrying and the obsession returned, whenever I even heard the word gay or that sexuality is fluid, anything would trigger me and make me cry until my head felt like bursting. I felt like being straight was wrong and i would scream quietly, making my veins to show, I would make myself think about men 24/7, and even looking at myself is really really uncomfortable.
Now, almost a month later,
I can't think about women, or gay men, or sometimes everyone in general, feeling like everyone is gonna suddenly hurt me or that I'll do something that I don't want to do.
My abdomen hurts because of so much pressure, anxiety and silent screaming to myself to stop everytime I think about women, even when it's not sexual.
I'm afraid of the women in my family and even drawings of women and I find myself holding my breath everytime I look at myself or any other woman.
I'm terrified of women and now, also men, and I can't even stand being with myself.
This anxiety is crippling and I don't want to die, but I have and I will consider if I can't go back to who I was.

I beg you to help me, I cannot afford help. I'm not even from England, that's how f*cking desperate I am. I am crying.

[Scaldris]

Hello,

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I know exactly every syptom you wrote about, because I had and now again have it all. You ned to know you are not alone. I'm a female as well myself, 18.

Mine started with a dream, there was nothing sexual in it, I still woke up soaked from sweat and panic awoke. I confessed to my best friend, and mom and felt soooo stupid afterwards. I would fall into full panic mode if I see or saw someone pretty , I would cry (I just don't let myself), I would rather kill myself than fall in love with another girl. No offense to the LMBTQ community.

Have you read the story "Happy Kevin? ". That guy has great advices, please give it a try, and feel free to message me. I'm here if you would like to talk.

[marywithanxiety]

Hello,

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I know exactly every syptom you wrote about, because I had and now again have it all. You ned to know you are not alone. I'm a female as well myself, 18.

Mine started with a dream, there was nothing sexual in it, I still woke up soaked from sweat and panic awoke. I confessed to my best friend, and mom and felt soooo stupid afterwards. I would fall into full panic mode if I see or saw someone pretty , I would cry (I just don't let myself), I would rather kill myself than fall in love with another girl. No offense to the LMBTQ community.

Have you read the story "Happy Kevin? ". That guy has great advices, please give it a try, and feel free to message me. I'm here if you would like to talk.

Hello, thank you for replying so quickly and actually being helpful. Although, I did some research about this Happy Kevin? guy you're speaking of and I started to read, actually feeling hopeful until I saw a link to figure out if you were actually gay or not, and what happened next was, I started panicking, and holding my breath, as if making pressure would make all those thoughts go away, such as: 'What if I find something that confirms it?' etc, etc, etc.

There was a time, when all this started, that I thought so much about men all day, trying to help myself as much as I could to forget about it, that I started to think about actually transitioning into a man (which of course, I could not allow it), and thinking that the only way I could be with a man is if I was a man myself. Which now I realize how ridiculous that sounds. Ergo, my fear of both men and women.

I cannot receive compliments from women or have any kind of friendship with a woman without thinking for a split of a second that I'll somehow fall in love with that woman. AND I CANNOT ALLOW IT.
My sister is studying psychology at university atm, and she somehow helped my bare my troubles, except for this one. She said that she thinks she's bisexual sometimes and that that is okay, but even thinking about myself being bisexual is insanely troubling to me.
If it's not worse enough, I read somewhere that anxiety actually lowers your libido and it's really awful because I feel all this anxiety for women and this... nothing for men? And when I do, my brain (who is no longer a part of myself since it makes it's own decisions, apparently) convinces me that somehow being straight feels like as if I was gay? filled with guilt, I sometimes feel like its better just being by myself forever. But that is also extremely sad and makes me afraid and anxious to the point of thinking that if I'm with a guy, I don't mean it, and if I'm alone, I'll eventually turn into a lesbian, and that, also, troubles me.

I know I'm an over-thinker which makes things worse, and I realize that I have adopted some behaviors that indicate O.C.D, such as flinching everytime I think about any woman for longer than 3 seconds or any other thought involving a woman, wasting my time counting coins, drawing men, or cleaning.
So, I was hoping it was some sort of mixed O.C.D-AnxietyDisorder-SocialPhobia kind of thing, because before any of this happened, I couldn't date guys, even when I really liked guys, because it made me insanely anxious, so I would most (if not all the time) reject them, and I would spend my days watching rom-coms and reading fanfiction. Things I no longer do out of fear and anxiety. Also, I'm a virgin, and before my father, I hadn't experienced any kind of arousal with a man (ew, ew ew, I strongly apologize), not even in fantasies, now I can say that I have that luxury. But it's really confusing.

If it isnt worse, I dropped out of high school about.. 4 years ago because of anxiety, so I have barely any social contact, and my two best friends are a girl and a gay guy, which doesn't help my situation.

I'm sure I have a lot more thoughts to put into this that I can't remember right now (every day is different and some days are better than others), and I realize this is long, but I hope you (or anyone) can answer me, with more information.

Thank you.

[Scaldris]

I'm glad if I can help.
Reading your last post is like reading my own story. I've always wanted a boyfreind, but when I got together with someone I was soo anxious that before a meeting I could run to the end of the world. So I was just stuck reading fanfictions. Also I am really uncomfortable in social situations, like, as you also mentioned, when another girl compliments me.
I'm also in a hard situation here, I have a great, girl, bi friend and it tries to convince me that I love her. Funny thing is that I have nausea and I also have these also false urges.. All in all, it tears me apart. I had a few clear weeks when I could talk to her wihtout getting any thoughts and now it ajust tells me I secretly love her.
But it's all really stupid. The closeted homosexual who is afraid of themselves or their real identity was all myde up by Hollywood. Real pscychologist on the OCD LA forum wrote that such things as "sleeping real me which I need to discover" does not exist. I'll link you the pages at the end of this post.

But for real, everything you wrote is the exast same as with me. The anxiety, the over-thinking, everything.

http://www.brainphysics.com/share/ho...pikes-and-lies

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=195010

These are all the great posts I could think of now, I haven't visited these in months, so sorry, if some other pages come to my mind I'll link those too.

All in all, you can't be afraid of who you are. For example there is a lesbian girl I know, she is afraid of what her parents would say but she dates who she likes anyway. SO I believe you get my point. It's terrible, we can't tell if it's real or not, but that's why it's called ocd. We would not fear our attractions. Just as we don't fear being straight.
You are not alone, don't worry.

---------- Post added at 17:54 ---------- Previous post was at 17:53 ----------

Plus being sometimes bisexual is stupid in my opinion, no offense meant.