Depression due to making a huge mistake

[Badger74]

I've not been here for a while; things had been going really well for me.
But 3 mths ago, my husbands cousin moved over here from the States and we began spending lots of time together, as he didn't know anyone and is a recovering alcoholic and i didn't want him to feel lonely. However, i have started to fall in love with him and we started an affair (kind of/not quite at the physical stage). I was not looking for someone else, i love my husband and although we do have some problems, we're generally really happy and have a great life. We have spend the last few weeks trying to stay away from each other and then 2 weeks ago, my best friend told me she was starting to have feelings for the cousin herself and i just flipped. It totally thrown me and i'm so jealous and had no idea i felt so strongly about him. Its such a mess, as i can't encourage her to go for it and i can't tell her not to either. He is also not helping as he won't not see her for my sake. So now, we're not seeing each other and he has been on one date with my best friend and it's brought back my anxiety and such a huge depressive mood. I can't talk to anyone at all about any of this, as i don't want my husband to find out. And also i am having to avoid my friend and i feel terrible about everything. I have never done anything like this before and its v out of character for me. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get past all these overwhelming feelings. Plus,i don't deserve to be happy after what i've done, i've brought it all on myself, so how can i possibly get over this? Before when i felt bad & guilty about feeling bad, i managed to feel better by trying not to blame myself, but that isn't working. For the first time in battling with anxiety/depression for 25 years i've actually had suicidal thoughts and that in itself is scaring me. I know i don't deserve anyone's sympathy, but i just needed to get this out. And if anyone has any ideas of what i do from here, i'd really appreciate it.

[lior]

It is totally normal to occasionally have romantic feelings towards someone who isn't your partner. There are so many reasons why this can happen. It could be some underlying unfulfillment in your primary relationship. It could be that you desire more attention currently. It could be that at this time, you are attracted to what this man stands for.

Lots of people have polygamous relationships but I guess that's not something you want to do!

In more desperate times when depressed or recovering from a big shock, I have felt more strong romantic feelings to whoever was around at the time. I needed positivity in my life, and romance provides that. Feeling in love is a wonderful feeling. Obsession with another person is better than desolation that you might otherwise feel.

For example, when an ex broke up with me, I couldn't let myself feel devastated - it was too much. So I started to romantically obsess over a married man that I worked with. It was a distraction from my grief over my lost relationship. It was much better to feel those mixed hopes and fears about this unattainable man, than the tragedy of losing my boyfriend.

But this man for me was just a figure that I needed. It wasn't him, himself that was important. He just happened to be the nearest man around at the time. When he left the scene, it was fairly easy to get over him. I needed to transfix on someone at the time, and he fitted the bill. I was obsessed and overwhelmed and in the moment I couldn't understand what was happening, but it really wasn't about him.

I'm not sure if any of this rings true for you.

If it is similar to my story, please believe that soon your feelings will change about him rapidly. There might be something else going on that you are ignoring because it is too painful to confront right now. Soon, you will be able to confront it over time. Bit by bit. As your mind allows you to.

I might be totally misreading the situation, but it doesn't sound like you really want to leave your husband - these feelings about his cousin are mostly likely a passing, fleeting thing - certainly not worth your happy marriage.