pregnant, anxiety worse than ever, don't know what to do

[swgrl09]

Thank you so much, Pulisa, for your kind words. I needed to hear that. I always have struggled with putting myself before others.

I am home now. I was there for about an hour and spoke with my supervisor and the other woman on my team. I had a panic attack in the car on the way there and almost didn't go in, but made myself. The conversation went better than I expected. My coworker shared that she was very depressed when she was pregnant and felt like a different person, which helped to hear that somebody understood. My supervisor also shared that she has had anxiety and was off meds during pregnancy and had a really difficult time.

Right now I am home the rest of the day and tomorrow, then am to text my supervisor over the weekend with how I am feeling and if I will make it in next week. She said they want to work with me but they have to be able to plan for coverage and want to know if I will be back or not. My supervisor will be off 4 days next week and my coworker 1 day, which I always struggle with because I am not comfortable being alone there. But I have been off this week so I can't get upset about it. The problem is I don't know. I financially need to work and have to, but I can't predict when I will feel better or if I will be able to return to this job.

My husband wants me to do what is best for me, but I can tell he wants me to try to work next week. He said to just have a day or two today and tomorrow where I don't put pressure on myself, don't look for other jobs, just watch a movie. I have therapy later. I am trying to just focus on today, but that is very hard for me to do, especially now.

I hardly slept last night so my goals for today are maybe nap, try to eat a little, and get to my appointment.

[pulisa]

Just do the basics and don't put any pressure on yourself? You need to take things slowly but surely. Your husband is supportive but doesn't really get how distressed you are and what are the sticking points re this job..I hope you can offload a bit with your therapist.

Of course you don't know how you will feel next week and this adds extra pressure and uncertainty. Don't think worst case scenario but don't expect to feel "recovered" after taking it easy for a few days. It's understandable that they want to plan for coverage but it's not that clear cut for you so you need to make a decision based on your gut instincts.

I hope it helps to write it all down too? I was in a really stressful job when pregnant with my son (military Intelligence) and it all got too much for me so I was signed off for most of the duration. I'm like you and felt a failure but it was for the best.

[swgrl09]

Yeah, I had to tell him today that it really puts a lot of pressure on me when he mentions that this is a big decision for both of us. I'm just trying to get through the day right now.

It has helped to write it down. I feel like everything is spinning around in my head nonstop and getting feedback from people who know what it's like to suffer like this is so helpful to me. I truly have felt like I am losing myself at times and it helps ground me.

I didn't know that about you, Pulisa. The more I talk to women who have been pregnant, the more common it seems to be. I have to imagine the hormones, the anxiety I already had before this, and the stress of the job just magnifies everything so much. I wish there was more support out there for mental health.

I slept a little this morning, walked the dog a little further than yesterday but not far. I feel like I could fall back to sleep but I want to sleep tonight so I am pushing through. I am thinking about next week already and wish I wasn't.

[pulisa]

We are always advised to "live in the moment" but it's not that easy when faced with looming significant issues. I really don't think you should plan too far ahead today because you are quite understandably emotionally fragile and have more than enough on your plate to get through the day.

It's impossible to predict how you will feel by next week so maybe don't try and let your body tell you nearer the time? This will be very hard but may give your mind some respite?

To be honest I was always in the wrong job-just couldn't handle the constant pressure. It was a blessed relief to be signed off.

[swgrl09]

I agree, I am trying to get through the next day or two without thinking much about next week. The obsessive thoughts I get can make that challenging though.

I have wondered if I am always in the wrong job too. It can be rewarding and meaningful, but it gets to be very emotionally taxing. I may need to consider a change in the future but not right now. It's something I have thought about over the past year. I want to have a meaningful job, but maybe in the long-term I need to find something a little different and less stressful/emotionally involved. I was thinking that once I am on maternity leave, it might be a time to reassess things. I just have to get through until March when the baby comes.

My therapy session was helpful today. We are doing a lot of DBT and I am struggling with identifying when I need to move from emotion regulation and mindfulness to distress tolerance skills. I find when I am in a panic attack or anxiety that has escalated too far, I still am trying to rationalize and it's not possible at that point. I need to recognize when I am too far gone and need to use different skills. We talked about squeezing ice cubes, hitting pain pressure points, etc. Anything to kind of snap my body chemistry out of where it is currently. Then once I calm down I can use the other skills. It may help me get by the next few days when panicking. I'll try anything.

The therapist has a therapy dog that comes in sometimes. She's only a puppy so she is still in training, but is so sweet. That helped a little too.

[yvonne_uk_98]

Swgrl09,

Sent you a pm, thinking of you.

[Buster70]

Hi there , sorry to hear you are going through it again I seem to remember you were doing pretty well before but I know your job was a stress back then , I guess everyone is congratulating you and assuming you are happy as Larry right now it's a bitch when your brain won't let you just be happy and normal like others maybe it's partly the thought of change that's making you uneasy ( we don't like to much change or supprises do we ) babies are ok but toddlers are great fun , maybe having a baby will occupy your mind and be a good thing , I did worry with my daughters first but she is a good mum now and even after all day morning sickness for the whole pregnancy she still had another .
Maybe you should think about working for yourself , I do who the hell would employ me ?
Try and put yourself first , you have a job making a baby .

[swgrl09]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond, and Yvonne, I got your PM

Buster, you said it right - it's a bitch when your brain won't let you just be happy and normal. Change is hard for me and the job is always chaotic and unpredictable, so that is a tough daily adjustment. With the baby, there is definitely anxiety about adjusting. We are excited to meet her though. I just worry that I will be this anxious as a mother and I don't want it to affect her. My own mother had bad anxiety and I don't blame her for it, but I know it impacted me.

I actually have thought about working for myself. My only concern is that I am not 100% sure I want to stay in this field or not due to it being so emotionally taxing on me so I am hesitant about making that commitment if I am unsure. But maybe it would be less stressful.

Thanks for your support and your thoughtful response. I give your daughter so much credit for all day morning sickness the whole pregnancy. I had all day sickness that finally eased up around 17 weeks... I'm almost 20 weeks now, mostly the sickness has passed (other than from anxiety impacting my appetite) except here and there. I am so relieved it passed as my sister was sick the whole time too. I lost 15 pounds before I started gaining during the first trimester. I just get heartburn and acid sometimes now.

[pulisa]

It's lovely that you will be having a baby girl and you will be a great Mum, I'm sure! I think you will have your work cut out adjusting to her arrival because it's not easy but that doesn't mean to say that it won't be an incredibly special and wonderful time for both you and your husband. It may not be the best thing to make any plans re future work until after she is born because you just don't know how you will feel and how much you will be able to take on both practically and emotionally?

You're halfway through now but obviously have to face the challenge of negotiating the pathway to your maternity leave. Try to resist the temptation to put pressure on yourself-this has always been my downfall and has never really worked for me although I would like it does/did. Don't allow your work to pressurise you either-you are doing the best for you and your baby

[swgrl09]

I can't believe I am halfway through. We have our big "mid-pregnancy" scan where they look for abnormalities this week and I'm a little nervous about it, but everything so far has been good and healthy.

I agree, I have no idea how I will feel or what I will want after she is born. People have told me you change so much that it's not possible to predict. So my goal was to save money now to be able to take my time with it. We'll see how that goes, as I have to return to this job to save the money... I have to decide tomorrow if I will go in on Monday and even that decision is making me a little nervous. It's hard not to put pressure on myself when work is a bit. My husband says don't make the decision today.

I still haven't slept well at night and was up for hours last night for no reason just thinking. I tried some of the techniques we discussed in therapy and eventually something worked, I just don't know what because I fell asleep. Today I woke up and threw up. Not sure if it's from pregnancy or lexapro, but at this point it's neither here nor there. I am mostly past the morning sickness but it does show up once in a while and the lexapro has aggravated my stomach this week.