I am almost ready to give up

[missjosiemarie]

Got a feeling this is going to be a long post.
I am currently experiencing DP/DR (unsure which is which and what I'm even feeling tbh) and have been for two weeks yesterday. It seemingly came from nowhere, but when I think about it I suppose I have been experiencing high anxiety and low mood for some time now.
I have had an on/off relationship with citalopram 20mg for many years but came off totally last summer as they weren't affective on my mood any more. Dr prescribed sertraline so tried that for 6/7 weeks but that gave me the 'runs' and couldn't really deal with that all the time. Anyway had a couple of bad panic episodes but got over it and just took nothing for a while.
December I started citalopram again and Dr. said it may be effective this time around, apparantly once you've had a break from cit it can become effective again.
Was working fine for a few months but about early May time my mood became low, I had developed a weird phobia of food and allergies as I kept feeling dizzy and faint, somehow my wonderful anxiety filled mind linked this to citalopram so I came off it. I went down to 10mg for a week then my Dr. started me on mirtazipine straight away instead.
The DP/DR started within a couple of days of going down to 10mg citalopram so I know it cannot be the mirtazipine. Perhaps it is withdrawal from citalopram? Anyway I know I can't carry on like this.
I have seen posts from people who have DP/DR for years. This terrifies me as I have had it for two weeks and am just about ready to give up on everything. This has been the worst two weeks of my life. I can't focus, function, concentrate, my memory is ridiculously bad. I can't be bothered to wash/dress myself/brush my teeth because what's the point? I'm not even real. I cut my own hair off because what's the point in having nice long hair? I have the strongest urge to deface myself entirely to feel something because what's the point in living?
I am completely emotionally numb. I have been to hospital to see if they could help me, they just suggested I come off mirtazipine altogether and I am due to start duloxetine tomorrow after 5 days without any medication whatsoever. I can't see any end, any let up. I get the odd 5 minutes of what I think might be clarity and a break from DP/DR, but then as soon as I get up to do something like go outside, it comes back.
All I'm doing is running down the clock on my life at the moment, I'm not living. Just crying, panicking, then back to numb.
The last two weeks have been hell and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, I just don't know how much longer I can take this.

[missjosiemarie]

UPDATE
I was given 2mg diazepam on Sunday after not being able to calm myself down enough to sleep or cope. I took one at 2:30pm and one at 10:30pm and neither seemed to have much of an affect in terms of calming. However I slept that night, with a few wakings in between.
I was given propanalol 80mg slow release tablets yesterday instead of diazepam as my doctor is worried long term use with addiction. I took my first at around 2:30pm today and have felt ok up until I had a nap earlier. I woke up feeling incredibly dizzy, sick and as if I wasn't really here. I have just come back from a walk round the block with my mum but I still feel quite out of sorts. Worried it's a drop in blood pressure from propanalol and it's making my anxiety spike...

[TaraBrown]

I am new on here, please don't give up. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but you know someone out there is rooting for you.

[maianixon]

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. I would just like to add a side note that I myself was given propanalol when my anxiety first started and it triggered dp/dr for me looking back (I wasn't aware its even a thing yet at the time). I was incredibly hazy, dizzy and "in my own world", it felt like I was on some drugs and it made my anxiety much worse. So maybe its all just due to lowered blood pressure, but if you feel like it's making you feel worse, talk to your doctor about it. In my case it really wasn't a good experience with it.
I hope you find a way to feel better soon xx

[Bigboyuk]

Hi The good thing is here you have only just started to feel like you do recently not even a month probably easier to sort your self out before it gets a grip. With meds more often then not they have to be changed both in types of meds and dosage if it means keep going back to your dr then great, they are there to help you get through this. Have you asked about any therapy too? As often meds/therapy work together for the good. so I would talk to your dr about this don't let it take over your life. And don't give up how ever tiring it may feel I have been in this state many times, and now I don't feel like giving up as things are now looking up for me they can for you too Just believe it Cheers