Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

Pulisa, I've cancelled my future appointments.
It was someone private through a friend of a friend and I was keen, because of no contract and regular visits, but on the downside, it leaves the sessions wide open for abuse with the time factor and that is not a good thing.
An hour can be exhausting emotionally, but yesterday was just ridiculous.
I know how to 'Tap' and it can be a useful tool when you feel out of control or stressed and after 3 years of therapy, there is only so many times you can go over past events.

So, today I felt angry that I let myself be therapeed, (not a real word), for so long.
I should have said, "That's enough now, I can't take anymore". But I didn't and I feel a bit pathetic that I did not speak up for myself. And no, I don't want more therapy for not be able to say NO!
I actually took on this therapist so that it would help me with my confidence with my driving and monophobia. (That's being afraid of being on your own).
After 4 hours of therapy in two sessions, I realised very quickly that this situation was not going to work for me. And that experience has learned me a lesson and made me more confident now to say, "not for me!".

Now, despite all of that, I went out all day today, even though my mobile phone had packed up and died on me, which is definitely one of my safety tools.
I was determined not going to be beaten and become a victim and I am pleased to say that I was perfectly fine. Even had lunch without wriggling in my seat, hot flushing and stayed perfectly calm. Using my tools from Mindfulness, like looking around the room, out of the window, being aware of what I was eating and actually enjoying it.

I am also pleased to say that my stomach has calmed down massively.
Changing my diet for healthy stuff, has now allowed me to have a few naughty things.
I am very happy about this, because as I suffer from health anxiety, an ulcer did cross my mind. I've also found out since that there has been a tummy bug going around.
Whatever the cause, it is never a bad idea to eat healthier.

My tip for today is wringing your hands.
You may even do this already or unknowingly. Maybe at an interview, when you are cold or waiting in a queue.
It is a calming action and your body may do it voluntarily, but the centre of your palms is a calming centre.

I'm off tomorrow to hopefully get a new phone. Not my idea of bliss at all.
Waiting in a queue for ages, then fighting off an expensive piece of electronic equipment they want to try and sell me, being bamboozled with technology and probably being laughed at when ask them what the difference is between 3G and 4G.
Let alone ICloud. What happened to just making a call and receiving a call?

So, until next time...........

[pulisa]

I've got a Sony Ericsson "brick"-I'm a pay-as-you-go dinosaur!

Good for you for ditching the therapist-sounds like mental torture! I was never any good at saying enough's enough when I should have!

[Carnation]

Pulisa, If I hadn't had 3 of mine stolen and two dropped in the loo, the last one smashed on the bathroom floor, I would still have my brick T-Mobile.
I don't sit well with all the technology stuff, just need it for emergency situations.
Unfortunately all the lovely red telephone boxes have been removed. :(

I think you or I could do a better job at being a therapist as would a lot of members of here. I believe you have to live it, to understand it. x

[Buster70]

Yep definitely with you two on not being able to say NO! , life drags the confidence out of you and others just take advantage, it was discussed at my cbt but he over simplified it , he said just say no if you don't want to do somthing or are not happy with it but having family it's very rarely that simple , when I was younger I didn't have a problem with it in fact quite the opposite if I didn't like what my boss was saying I'd just say fu&k off and walk out ( there were a lot of jobs about back then ) nobody ever walked over me , it was also discussed about not saying when you are not happy about a situation leading to depression.
I couldn't do two and a half hours of therapy and hour seemed a stretch at times then I'd start talking crap because I hate awkward silences or I'd start looking at them thinking weird things like how small their feet are or why they were such dorky shoes .
We need to practice saying " nope sorry had enough you're boring me " ( don't say it to me I'll get a complex ) .
Felt much better today what ever it was passed , went to see an old chap in the city , he's 84 lives in the roughest part alone but is always happy , he goes out every day , goes sailing , travels to Italy alone to see his son and the thing I got from him today apart from an old bike is his acceptance of his own mortality he makes the most of each day because as he put it he won't be around for ever , we had a good old chin wag and a cup of tea , what could have taken ten mins took about an hour and a half , I learnt a thing or two and it was better than therapy for me , had a good drive back with oasis , live forever playing full blast and went to my lock up to work for a few hours in the sun , more therapy .
I think if you Google" therapeed " it probably is a word and might come under the heading of water sports not somthing you would want to get involved in

[Carnation]

Buster, I love your stories and the way you tell em'!

You sound so much like your old self; I presume that is a good thing?

I'm with you on the chats with the older and wiser and the better attitude to life.
I have a 75 year old neighbour that goes to rock concerts and festivals and all I could think of was how I would be crushed and trampled on and would want the ground to swallow me up for fear of people!
But we have a good chat about positive things and found that she has suffered pain and loss, but has adapted a 'live the life to the full' attitude and to be in a 'happy place.' If I had more confidence, I would probably be with her.

I'm more of a dozing off at 10pm in front of the TV and then moaning about the crap I have just watched and then reading in bed yet more literature about anxiety to find myself dropping off mid page like a worn out ageing woman.

Buster, I was doing that with the therapist.
I thought, "how dare you see me with dirty shoes , creased shirt and unshaven face and tell me that I have to take care of myself and respect myself.
With the charges they make, which is around £50 per hour, they could get their shirts ironed for them. It's that old saying, "Don't do as I do, do as I say".

[Buster70]

Somthing I struggle to understand about anxiety/ depression etc is how your brain just completely changes , how does the wiring or chemicals go wrong and is it reversible, when I was younger I went to see guns and roses at monsters of rock , I was at the front in the mosh pit when two people died in a crowd surge , I didn't lose any sleep over the two poor souls that lost their lives so young just carried on enjoying the weekend , same person same brain and I had to leave a post office queue because I was panicking, for gods sake what did I think was going to happen an OAP stampede because they were giving out free wurthers originals , and I'm pretty sure I could have crowd surfed out on a wave of silver hair , how do we catch the fear ? I've had a lot of near misses over the years is that the catalyst for the fearful thinking ? Maybe if I ever get back to a therapist I should ask instead of judging their shoddy attire .
Take care have a good ish weekend

[Carnation]

I'm a bit late posting today, but thought I would anyway, because you might think something is up.

I have actually had a busy day. Had to get a new phone and did. Had to go to the shopping centre, which I did and now after re-programming my phone, I find I am nearly into the next day!

I actually feel quite proud of myself, because I have to endure many things that could set off my panic. Large open plan shops with lots of scary isles and queues and people with trolleys and large car parks. Oh the bliss of a corner shop.
So, despite my fears, it went ok today, but it does tire me out.

Buster, who knows about the wiring and chemicals of the brain? Maybe the late 'Stephen Hawking' could tell you, but that's too late now.
I know that most of us only use about a quarter of our brain.
And cats and dogs live in the present, unlike us.

That's a good point Buster about panicking in the most unexpected places, especially when you have encountered much worse situations.
Strangely enough, the Post Office has got me in that way too.
I think it's more to do with what is going through your head while you are standing there. A past trigger can also do this.
You have to busy yourself with looking around the shop or striking up a conversation with someone near you. It makes a huge difference.

I'm sitting here yawning as I type, but yawning is good, so I hear.
It is supposed to be the quickest and easiest way to calm down and is completely harmless to us. So next time you find yourself yawning your head off, think of it as a good thing.

Until next time.......

[Carnation]

Well today I had what I call my 'space face'.
You know that thing where you feel your face go all funny as if you were being launched into space by a rocket. And if it wasn't for the fact that I have had this over the last few years, it would be really freaking me out!
Why it happens? Who knows. It's one of those unexplainable things that happen for absolutely no valid reason. It's weird, its freaky and it's not wanted!
I feel extremely tired today. (Maybe that's the reason). I could hardly put one foot in front of other, but had to go out and did, but was counting the seconds until I returned home.

My body feels exhausted and my Mind is racing. I can't seem to get the two to balance in harmony. Yes, I did overdo things this week. Just the therapy session was enough on it's own. Practically 4 sessions in one. That, I will never do again.
I know I have to listen to my body and if it needs rest then that's what I have to do.
The thing is about anxiety is that it is so exhausting!
It's like running a marathon every day.
I can say that, because I have run marathons in the past and actually, it was easier.

It's not all bad news. I managed to stand in one spot in the phone shop for an hour and a half! I managed to go in to the intimidating Supermarket, had lunch out, waited for my partner in another superstore for another hour while he pondered over what socks to buy and went through every article in the reduced section. I found the courage to end my therapy, even though I am desperate for any help I can get.
I even drove the car down the road and back and that is a major task for me since my PTSD after my car crash.
No wonder I am tired.
Tiredness you can deal with. You rest, relax and recharge.
Not being able to live the life you want, now that's just crippling.
Never doubt that you do not have the strength or confidence to do anything you want to do. The mind and body have massive resilience.
Hey, 4 months ago, I'd taken to bed thinking that was it for me for next 3 months.

I have a angel calendar that I turn the page every day to read inspiring messages and this one I wanted to share with you.
'As you start each new day, say to yourself, "Each step of my way there is a protector by my side, holding my hand like a childhood friend".
It's these sort of messages that give me the courage to keep going.

I will leave it on that note for today..............

[Buster70]

Big well done on getting back in the car I know you were really struggling with that one , I couldn't do without my van it gives me freedom and an escape , ok thanks roads are stressful but it's worth it to be able to get out and go places I've not seen before ok it's not the other side of the world but a change of scenery and faces is always good .
Take care space face .

[Carnation]

I only drove a few hundred yards Buster. Still a long way to go in that department.

Well today I woke up late and being an hour short, I had to play catch up with my meals. I absolutely hate the hour change. It really messes with my stomach and my sleep. I spend a least week saying, "It's really this time".
The cat has do idea either. He wants feeding according to his body clock.

Last night I had the pleasure; NOT, of going to bed with muscle twitching.
In a particular area near my shoulder blade.
I've had so many muscle twitches over the past 4 years, that it doesn't particularly scare me any more, but it is annoying and the brain likes to tell me, "Hey, your body's twitching, you should take note, something might be wrong". "Shut up brain", I think. "I just want to sleep." Sometimes that works.

I have felt this overwhelming tiredness the last couple of days. (Had this before as well).
So, just to play safe, I had a 'do nothing' day. I don't mean do nothing at all. I mean no rushing here and there, no particular plans or chores, just go with the flow.
I have also noticed that I have my 'rice krispie' neck back. (That's my terminology for the sound my neck makes when I move it. You put milk on rice kripies and that's the sound it makes. Had it before and I am sure I will have it again. Could be tension, sleeping strangely or looking at the TV sideways.

Well, that's enough about me.

What tip can I can give you today?
Not to watch TV sideways!
No, I want to tell about a couple of walking tips that I have used and still use to help me when I am struggling to get around, particularly out in the big wide world.

If you get a bit panicky and want to feel grounded with your walking, as you take each stride, say to yourself, "heel, toe, heel, toe, heel toe"; obviously while you are walking and put the emphasis on the points of the feet. It does work and after a while you can stop the emphasis and just carry on walking.

And when you have to stand on one spot in a queue or chatting to someone and you feel you want to run. Stamp both feet hard down on the ground. Several times if you want. It tells your brain that you are going nowhere and it should help to keep you in that spot. If anyone looks strangely at you or makes a comment, just tell them you have pins and needles in your feet. They will believe that and probably tell you, "Oh, I get that too, its' so annoying isn't it?"

Until next time.........